MATTGiRAFFe

I Went AMERICA All Over Las Vegas's Ass

2007-10-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a weekend trip to Vegas with Joel, Joe, and Drew. Woo hoo! Our main reason for going was an outdoor concert festival called Vegoose. The headliner on Saturday night was Daft Punk, and they rocked. The cool thing about this concert festival is that almost half of the people go to it dressed in their Halloween costumes. We were no exception.

Here is Drew (fighter pilot), Joe (sailor), Joel (Captain Morgan), and Giraffe (Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia):

Here we are before the concert:

Another picture from the concert: Notice my jean jacket, american flag bandanna, and Farm Aid tshirt. I'm gunna rise up, kick some ass, drive a big truck, sew a flag, and go America all over your ass:

Joe, Joel, Giraffe, and Drew, the next day, after the concert:

Wildfires and Zombie Attacks

2007-10-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

The wildfires in southern California have been on my mind this week. It's hard for me to comprehend what a city goes through in a natural disaster situation, whether it's a fire, a hurricane, or an earthquake. The shock of destruction. The evacuation. The worrying. The lack of safety. The looting.

I have often felt fortunate to live in Portland. We don't have wildfires, tornadoes, hurricanes, flash floods, tsunamis, acid rain, smog, or major earthquakes. I'm trying to think what major disasters we do have...

We do get a tiny earthquake every now and then, but it's the kind that most people sleep through. (Then the next day at work, people talk about having a dream about an earthquake--oh, no way, you had that same dream too?)

We also get a volcanic eruption every 150 years or so, but we should be okay for my lifetime, because Mt. St. Helens has already happened. I'm willing to play the numbers on this one. (I did take three Geology/Rocks for Jocks classes in college.)

We get tiny mudslides when it rains too much, but they only affect a couple people's route to work in the morning. I really can't think of anything, on a grand scale, that's devastating to the whole Portland community.

My coworker, Ben, reminded me that Portland is still highly susceptible to zombie attacks. True, true.

Waiters and Water Pitchers

2007-10-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

Why do some waiters do the "side pour" with the water pitcher? Is it an ice thing?

If they're trying to impress me or work me for a better tip, it's not working. I repeat, it's not working. I'm not an "ice guy." The risk to return ratio just isn't worth it, in my opinion. There is a high probability for spilling, and I don't want a wet lap.

Abort the side pour.

Midweek Makeover

2007-10-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

What's the recipe for the new-look blog?
Stripped-down architecture, new color palate, bloodshot eyes.

I was going to write a new post last night, but instead, I decided to revamp the blog. It was getting a little too vamp. Hopefully this is a signal that I'll be blogging more often, hopefully...

And Show It Begins

2007-09-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

Fall is officially here. And you know how I know? Because new seasons of new crappy shows are on every network on every night. And I'm hooked.

I need two TiVos this time of year. Monday night at 8pm, I have one tuner on How I met Your Mother. I have the other tuner on Chuck. And I can't watch Monday Night Football. Luckily the score wasn't close.

The hardest part is figuring out which shows to commit to. I want to find the good ones, last year's Heroes and 30 Rock, and avoid the duds, like Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and The Nine, both of which got canceled last year before the end of the season. Coincidentally, both starred one of the Hackett brothers from the TV show Wings. Or maybe it wasn't a coincidence. Hmmmmmm.

Here are some quick comments on what I've seen so far (and to be fair I've only seen the early starts and Monday's lineup):

Kid Nation
It needs more "kid," less "nation." I like the premise--strand forty middle school kids in a deserted ghost town. They have to do everything for themselves. I was hoping it would be a little more like Lord of the Flies. More disorder, more arguing, less supplies provided for them. The biggest fights have been about washing dishes. Really? Rinsing dishes? These ghost town arguments sound like the same ones I had with my parents in a non-ghost town. The worst thing the bully of the show did was tag some "blue team" gang signs using chalk. Yeah, chalk. He should have pinched some specs. Verdict: I don't think I'm watching it again. I wanted to see some farming. I wanted to see some arguing. I wanted to see some crying. I wanted to see a nine-year-old fillet an armadillo for supper. This is just like a crappy, kid survivor.

Survivor China
Speaking of Survivor, season twenty three is taking place in China. The show has become repetitive and uninteresting, and that's why they moved it to China. Hopefully the can hook some of the 7 billion Chinese citizens into watching their show. Verdict: Dangit, it's still starving people competing for a stupid necklace and a pack of matches. If nothing else is on... maybe.

Chuck
I think I liked this show. It's hard to tell. This was the "pilot" episode, but I think I'm going to refer to it as the "spider bite" episode. This is a reference to the Spiderman (comic and tv show), or pretty much any superhero character, where they first have to explain how the powers came to be, before the show can get on a regular routine. Chuck's brain got accidentally overloaded with a bunch of government images from a government computer. The computer blew up. Now the government needs Chuck. He works at Best Buy, err... Buy More. Verdict: I want to see one or two more before I turn my thumb up or down. This show comes from the guy who wrote The OC (bitch!). It is produced, and the first episode was directed, by McG, of the Charlie's Angles movies fame and tv show Fastlane. So it will probably suck, but look actiony-good. This show might make it through this season purely based on the HCF (Hot Chick Factor). The blond CIA agent kicks ass and sports a nice one herself. Chuck has a brunette sister, just in case blonds turn some viewers off.

The Big Bang Theory
The cute ditsy girl from The John Ritter Show (that's not the name, but who cares or knows what it was called) moves in next to two uber-dweebs. Their interactions are awkward because they come from different words. Verdict: Nerds wrote this show. Nerds might be the only people watching this show. Nerds don't pull ratings. Their HCF cannot save them past episode six.

I'll blog again after I see a few more new shows. But I'll do some quick hits on returning shows that premiered a new season:

Family Guy Star Wars episode: Classic. Have watched it twice.

How I Met Your Mother: Ted's tramp stamp reminds me of my friend Nate's. Mandy more is a dirty ho-ma, which I like.

Heroes: It'll probably still be good, but I worry that their characters are too spread apart. Last year, each individual story wound together in an urgent way. The pace of the drama and the fighting drove us through the second half of the season to a big finale. Now, at the beginning of season two, everything is slow. Everything is disconnected. It doesn't feel as strong. But then again, it's only been one episode, and to be honest, I don't think they even thought they would make it to the end of season one.

WTF, Willy Wonka?

2007-08-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

The Willy Wonka Candy Co. and I do not think on the same wavelength anymore. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up. Willy Wonka has certainly gone off his rocker.

What the frick--Nerds Rope?

Nerds, Rope?

Nerds Rope.

Nerds. Rope.

For those of you who haven't tried this stupid candy, I'll explain it to you. It's a big Red Rope licorice with a whole blunch a Nerds glued to it. Yes a sugary, crunchy, candy whip of stupidity and insult.

And the sad part is that I like Nerds. I grew up loving Nerds. It was my favorite trick-or-treating candy--those awesome little boxes that I'd take down in one bite (drink?). I don't eat Nerds all that often nowadays, but I've always been Pro-Nerds. Never have I been Anti-. Always Pro-.

I've supported all Nerds-related choices: Splitting the box in two? Yes. Funny little cartoon drawings? Yes. Sour Nerds? Yes. Coating the Nerds with another Nerd flavor? Yes. Snoop Dogg? Yesizzle.

Nerds Rope is one of those candies that Wonka should keep in the factory. Like the gumball that turns you into a giant blueberry. Or the soda pop that make you burp/fly. The great thing about regular Nerds is that they're small. They're crunchy. They're pure sugar, in the most simplest form. They deliver two flavors in each box. They a solid candy, but they are eaten like a drink. Like a can of pop, they have the little mouth spout in the top and everything.

Now, all of the sudden, Nerds Rope comes along and kills this beauty. A Twizzler raped a box of Nerds, and now this monstrosity is what children will be eating? Not my children.

Vacation, Day 7 - Cicadas

2007-07-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

There are these weird, LOUD bugs here called cicadas.

Vacation, Day 6 - Shopping in Charleston

2007-07-12T17:23:00.001-07:00

We went to Charleston today and took a tour of the historical downtown. It wasn't as cool as Savannah. Savannah's tours kick Charleston's tours asses. But when we went shopping in their flea market, there was a cool hat shop that sold old-timey hats, like Dean Martin and my Grandpa Bob used to wear. Next time you're in Charleston, stop by The Charleston Hat Man.

Vacation, Day 5 - The Pig

2007-07-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

The most common supermarket in South Carolina has a cool name, Piggly Wiggly. I like to call it "The Wiggly Pig." Much like we in the Northwest may call Fred Meyer's, "Fredy's", my cousin says that the cool nickname for Piggly Wiggly is just "The Pig." And he knows it well, because he works there. At The Pig.

Vacation, Day 4 - The Cook-Out

2007-07-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today, the hotel provided lunch for all the guests.

Vacation, Day 3 - Hilton Head, SC

2007-07-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach today.

Vacation, Day 2 - Savannah, GA

2007-07-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

I took a trolley tour of Savannah and saw all the highlights.

Vacation, Day 1 - In Flight

2007-07-10T14:54:00.001-07:00

There was a seeing-eye dog on my flight.

June Ramblings

2007-06-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

I made up a new word: "debezzling." It's kind of like embezzling, but the exact opposite. Instead of slowly stealing money from your company, you slowly and secretively invest money without expecting to see a return. I'm not saying it's a smart practice or something you should do, I'm just saying it's a new word. (Also, embezzle just seems like a weird word to me. It's a very serious, negative action, but it's so fun to spell, with those double Z's. Fun to say to... embezzzzzzzzzle.)

If I ever make a movie, I think I am going to ad a secondary title to the movie. Like instead of calling it "Death Blow" I'd call it this: "Death Blow: The Sequel to the Prequel." The title makes you think. It's kind of a "back to the future" kind of thing.

What is up with mint gum? Have you noticed how many different flavors of mint gum there are these days? Spearmint, wintergreen, peppermint, bubblemint, mint chocolate chip... the list goes on. WTF, where did all these mints come from? As far as I know, there is only one mint plant. Is the gum market so specific that R&D is having them diversify their mint portfolio to capture a larger customer base?

Is anyone else pissed off by the "proud parent" identifier on MySpace? Let me explain. On your myspace profile, you have a couple options to identify whether you have children or want them... none, someday, never, and proud parent. They don't let you choose "yes, I have kids." Just "proud parent." Why do they assume you're proud? What if you're ashamed? Or regretful? Or embarrassed? I would love to see somebody with some serious baby mama drama choose "ashamed parent." Someday... someday.

There have been a lot of threequels in the movie theaters lately. Spiderman 3. Pirates 3. Ocean's (1)3. They aren't that good. I mean, they're entertaining, like it held my attention while I'm in the theater. And they all look good, with their CGI special effects and everything. But I'm just disappointed with all of them. I wouldn't pay to see them again.

And lastly, I just wanted to officially declare that the Spiderman series has lost steam. How can I tell? Because Lloyd, the mechanic from "Wings," and Eric from "That 70's Show" are the villains. Yes, the villains, not the sidekicks or supporting cast. The villains. Doesn't any good actor want to play a villain? These are the only two guys we can get? Really? The goofy guy from Sideways and the skinny guy who calls himself Topher? Who will the villains for Spiderman 4 be, Tony Shalub and Will Valderama? (Oh, snap!)

The Jetta Effect

2007-05-30T01:02:00.000-07:00

You may know that I like to invent words or sayings and then refer to them like people should know them. Like they are already common vernacular. For example, I invented the term “foaf” meaning Friend Of A Friend. Giraffe, can you please use that in a sentence? Yes. Last weekend, I went to a party at a foaf’s house and stole a chinchilla.

Anyway, back in college, I invented a theory or theorem (I never know the difference) which I named “The Jetta Effect.” It started because I have a habit of people watching, wherever I may be. And one of the most awkward times to stare at people is while they are driving a car. I tend to look at almost every driver that I pass on the freeway. And a lot of the time they will look back, and then we share awkward eye contact. Then I speed up and pass them.

I look for weird people, short people, hicks, grandmas, and most importantly, cute girls. After a while, I started to notice that cute girls drive Volkswagen Jettas. And I would get excited when about to pass a Jetta on the freeway. It is the single make and model of car that has the highest percentage of cute girl drivers. And so began The Jetta Effect.

The VW Jetta has all the right aspects that are attractive to girls that I am attracted to. It is small, but not tiny. It is cute, but still sporty. It is European, but does have room for junk in the trunk. It’s not too cheap, but not too expensive. It’s the baby bear—juuuuuust riiiiight.

The Jetta Effect has slightly higher than a 50% success rate in the target demographic, which tops all other makes and models of cars. Our demographic is 18-to-28 year old females, ranging from athletic to stuck-up. Most girls have shoulder-length hair or longer, mostly blonde and brunette or some kind of highlighted mix. Rarely black hair; I haven’t figured out why. Big sunglasses are common. So is rocking out to Top 40 radio. Don’t beat surprised to see rapping; this demographic likes their hip-hop. Some of these girls buy their Jetta with their own money, some are graduation presents, and some are just for daddy’s little girl.

So now that you are enlightened, next time you’re with your buddy and you pass a Jetta with a cute girl driving, you can say, “Jetta Effect.” And then explain my scientific findings, which actually aren't so scientific.

Oh, why The Jetta “Effect” you say? And not The Jetta “Rule” or The Jetta “Theory” or whatever... Well, “effect” just sounds better. It rolls off the tongue. I don’t want to get all grammatical on you, but the consonance and alliteration help it sound more awesomer.

Blazers for Free

2007-05-21T14:32:00.001-07:00

Brian Berger from Sports Business Radio posted a blog about Comcast and the Portland Trailblazers creating a new cable channel that will broadcast most of their games. Here is my response to the new Comcast/Blazer channel:

I am a huge Blazers fan. I watched almost every single game last year, but I never attended one in person. I was able to watch 75-80% of their games from the comfort of my couch and 54-inch TV thanks to FSN and KGW.

In recent years, I used to go to 10-15 home games a year. Like many fans, rising ticket prices and the actions of the "jail blazers" caused me to be reluctant to spend my money on this organization. Lucky for me, the Blazers started showing more and more games on cable, which I already paid for. It was like getting more Blazers for free!

I always wondered whether broadcasting all these games was a good thing for the Blazers organization. As a fan, they were keeping me satisfied, but I don't believe they were making as much money off of me as they could. They didn't receive my spending money, because I was getting "free" games on tv.

The press release says that 81 of the 82 games will be televised. Plus, a lot of them will be in high-def. Next year, I will be getting 98.7% of the games for "free," since I already pay for cable and do not consider this an extra cost to me. I am happy about this, because I love the NBA, and I love having a hometown team to root for. But it's looking like the Blazers, for the second year in a row, will not directly receive even a dollar from my wallet.

Giraffes and Beer

2007-05-21T12:52:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the First Annual Zoo Brew at the Oregon Zoo, here in Portland. It was a small-to-medium brew festival with maybe twenty local breweries. Most breweries came from Oregon, but a few from Washington, Idaho, and California (pretty much the states that snuggle up and touch Oregon).

Zoo Brew started at 5pm, and my ticket got me admission into the zoo, a special beer glass, and ten tastings. Additional tastings were $1 each. $5 gets you a full glass.

But the best part of Zoo Brew was that they let you leave the beer tents and wander the zoo with your beer. So what did I do? I spent five bucks, got a full glass of Moose Drool Brown Ale, and headed over to visit my homies in the giraffe pen. Here's a picture of me, my beer, and Rascal (he turned away, he's camera shy).

Matt Giraffe + Beer + A Giraffe = Happy Times

Summer's beginning, which means even more brew fests in town, the largest being the Oregon Brewers Festival down on the waterfront, July 26-29th. I hope you'll come and join me. And I hope they have giraffes there, too.

Lemon Your Widmer

2007-05-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

My buddies and I created a website for Widmer Hefeweizen. It has funny videos of us catching lemons in all sorts of crazy ways. Tell your friends at school. Tell your boss at work. Tell your priest at confession. Just tell somebody about it.

We will be adding at least one new video of our own each week. But it has a feature where you can upload your own video. So go be a jackass, film yourself catching a lemon in your Widmer Hefeweizen, and post it on the site.

LEMON YOUR WIDMER WEBSITE

Also, look for the videos submitted by both Nick and Jess. They are now weblebrities.

Hi, my name is… Entourage

2007-04-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is Entourage. And I’m a TV show that you used to like. But lately I’ve gone a little soft. Flaccid might be a better adjective than soft, because it more specifically describes what I’ve lost. My manhood.

Oh I used to be a show you liked. You watched me multiples times. You asked your friends about me. “Yo dude, have you seen Entourage? Oh, you’ve goootttttttaaaaa see Entourage.” I showed you the life you wanted to live. I had the characters that you wanted to be. You wanted to be Vince, the star. You wanted to be E, the buddy in charge. You wanted to be Ari, the smooth-talking asshole. You might have even wanted to be Turtle or Drama, the sidekicks. My guys lived out your dreams. Not just living in Cali, but living it up in Cali. The parties. The mansions. Escalades and Maseratis. And the ladies, the chicas, the honeys. Ooooooh man, the honeys. We’re on HBO, and we can show some T and A. Tits and ass, fellas. You’re welcome.

But these days, I seem a little weak. Like I’ve lost my game. Something’s not right. For some reason I’ve abandoned all those things you loved about me. So what have I been doing? Well, I’ve created a whole bunch of problems and have all the characters worrying all the time. (That’s some complex drama.) I created some awkward hetero male remorse and yearning between a fired agent and his former client. (Male tension, yes.) I’ve also hidden the hottest supporting character on the show, Sloan. (Wait, I do show her on the other end of a phone call once every four episodes.) But to be fair, I haven’t really shown any sex scenes. Off the top of my head, the two most recent sex plots featured 1) Turtle groping the girl from the Wayans Brothers' movie “White Chicks” and 2) the fat guy from MadTV trying to date rape Lloyd.

Guys, I need to know what you want from me. Are you looking for a fun show that makes all your wildest dreams come true? Or are you wanting a frustrating cock-tease show that resembles a shell of what it used to be? Are you looking to vicariously live through me or vicariously worry through me? Do you want to have fun? Do you? Because I am having an identity crisis. I’m confused.

I need your help. Seriously, I do. Please email me. I'm Entourage. Sunday nights on HBO.

Sun Sneezing

2007-04-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

Every Spring, when the sun starts coming out again, I'm reminded of a seasonal affliction that I suffer from. No, not allergies. I suffer from sun sneezing. Or more scientifically, "photic sneeze reflex."

Never heard of it? Well, it's real, and here's what it is: I walk outdoors into direct sunlight. One to three seconds later, I sneeze once.

Sound weird? It is. 15-25% of humans have it. And it is more common in caucasians. Guess what? I am a caucasian human. Scientists haven't figured out exactly what causes it. Apparently the scientists have bigger issues to fix, like cancer and time travel. But one of the theories is that tears created to help adjust to the bright light leak into the nostrals and tickle some nerves, causing a sneeze. Another is that it is caused by a malfuction in the fifth cranial nerve, the trigeminal nerve. Yeahhhhh.

And another weird thing is that photic sneeze reflex is hereditary. Only one parent can have it to pass it along to the children. It is a "autosomal dominant trait." I have it. And my sister also has it. I'm not sure if my brother has it.

Weird stuff, this science.

Yo, Plait?

2007-03-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

Yoplait yogurt is by far the best yogurt at the grocery store. This stuff is legen-dairy, and here is why.

Reason One: Flavors
They have the best, most fruity flavors. I want a yogurt where I can distinguish between strawberry and cherry--not just different hues of pink. To be honest, I want big hunkin' chunks of strawberries and cherries in my yogurt. Yeah, hunkin' chunks. I want the raspberry seeds caught between my teeth. I want the options of creative flavors. Harvest Peach. Lemon Burst. Strawberry Cheesecake. Cherry Orchard. Mixed Berry. And not to mention Key Lime Pie. KEY LIME PIE!!! End of story. Done deal.

Reason Two: Stirredness
Pre-stirred, baby. The fruit is mixed, spread, permeated, and dispersed. Why the heck would I voluntarily want to exercise my yogurt? I am not paying for a workout. Yoplait is the cliff notes of yogurt, it cuts right to the point. Jump on in, the water's fine.

Reason Three: Foil Lid
Yeah, that foil lid IS a little cocky, isn't it? It ticked me off a little at first, but in time I've grown to like it. I like my yogurt to have an edge; yogurt with a 'tude. As far as packaging goes, the foil lid makes little sense compared to a plastic lid. Yogurt is a viscous, sugary, sticky semi-liquid that spoils. To me, a thin, easily puncturable barrier makes little sense. It's like selling gasoline-filled water balloons or Dixie cups full of Brut cologne.

But I've seen the light. The foil lid and tapered shape are what visually distinguish Yoplait. It's like the yogurt with bling. And here's something I learned about the foil lid: You can use it as a spoon! In times of need (I don't know, camping? hiking? soccer camp?) you can fold the lid into a scoop shape. A plastic lid can't do that. Just be careful with your fillings.

Have Some Pride

2007-03-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I saw a commercial for a movie that is in theaters soon. I’ve never heard of it before—“Pride.”

Its formula is a little “copycat”—black and/or inner city high school sports team overcomes the odds, when nobody believed in them. Oh yeah, and it’s based on a true story. Remember the Titans. Glory Road. Coach Carter. Mighty Ducks. Miracle. There are ten or twenty others in recent years.

But this one is a little different, because of the sport it is based on. Not football. Not baseball. Not basketball. Not even hockey. This movie is based on… swimming? WTF? Swimming? Really?

But don’t worry. Just because the movie is based on a non-contact water sport, in Philadelphia in 1974, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t lack the drama and emotion that all the other movies based on real sports have. Just take a look at these emotional quotes from the trailer:

“You need to leave the swimming to the experts.”
“So you the expert now?”

“Remember, if you walk out, you are walking out on your life.”

“We’ve been chasing dreams for many, many years. Tomorrow you’ll all get an opportunity to fulfill some of those dreams.”

“This is our house coach!”

So go see Pride, in theaters March 23. Oh yeah, Bernie Mac is the pool/rec center’s janitor. Classic.

www.pridefilm.com

Thoughts in the shower...

2007-03-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

Here is what I thought about in the shower this morning:

Girl Scout Cookies
What are the first things that immediately come to mind when I think about boy scouts? Um, whittling, tying knots, and helping old ladies cross the street. What are the first things that immediately come to mind when I think about girl scouts? Cookies. That's it, nothing else. Just cookies (which I recently learned are made by Kellogg's). Every year I feel worse and worse about girl scout cookies, with their high pressure selling tactics and mega-corporation cookies.

Samoas
I think this type of girl scout cookie has crack in it. They are that good. Not that I've ever had crack before, but I imagine that crack tastes like caramel and coconut topped with chocolate. No wonder it's so addicting.

"Just To Be Fair..."
If you're in an activity/event/competition with somebody and right before the event starts, they say to you, "Just to be fair, I should probably tell you that...," that's not being fair. It's more like saying, "I'm a cheater (or a professional) but you just don't know it. And to rub it in even more, I wanted to be the one who told you five seconds before you compete in this contest. Good luck, you have no chance."

Daniel Heder, Jon Heder's Twin Brother
It probably sucks to be the twin of a famous actor. And it's probably hard to tell a fan that you're not Napoleon Dynomite, you're his twin brother, when you look and sound exactly the same as your brother. "Ihaveatwinbrother, gawwshhhhhh."

Lever 2000
There was this soap that existed back in the '90s called Lever 2000. I don't know if it exists today. But their slogan/tagline was "Lever 2000, for all of your 2000 body parts." I'm calling BS on that advertising. I started counting in the shower today. Ten fingers, ten toes, okay that's twenty. Arms, elbows, armpits, chest, belly, rump, hips, thighs, knees, shins, calves, ankles, feet, neck, ears, cheeks, forehead, nose... That's like, 65 parts. Where the heck do they come up with 2000 parts? Am I supposed to eat this? Mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, large intestine. Okay, now we're up to like 71 parts. Even if you did open-chest surgery with this soap-- heart, lungs, liver, pancreas--that's like 141 parts. WTF? 2000? Plus, if they wanted to come off looking legit the shouldn't use a round number like 2000. Lever 1267 is more believable.

American Leprechauns
Why doesn't America have any cool magical creatures like leprechauns? I don't mean specifically leprechauns, but just some sort of magical fairytale creature. I know we got a late start as a country, but were all of the magical creature stories already taken by then? Like Ireland has leprechauns, Scotland has the loch ness monster, Eastern Europe has vampires, and China has dragons. What do we have? Do we have Native American stories, I guess? Maybe. But no offense to Native Americans, but a baked, vision quest coyote telling me what to do is not as cool as a dragon or a leprechaun. It's not as cool, that's just a fact.

Running Diary: The Oscars

2007-02-25T22:41:00.000-08:00

I'm keeping a running diary during the 2007 Academy Awards, a la Bill Simmons (and Nick, although he only did it once). I probably won't comment too much on what I think of the movies, but more on what I think about what's going on during the awards show. Let's do this.

5:30 Alright, here we go. The show is starting. A couple days from now, I’m probably going to forget who won what. But here is something the Academy Awards will do that will last a lifetime. The awards received today will decide the adjectives for future movie trailers that we will all see. They decide whether credits for The Italian Job 2 say “Academy Award Nominated Mark Walberg” or “Academy Award Winner Mark Walberg.” Good luck tonight, Mark.

5:31 Wasn't Ellen DeGeneres supposed to be hosting? I think I’m watching a really long, unfunny Apple commercial or something. Five minute of closeups, a white background, and baby piano music. Mac and PC do it better.

5:36 Okay, here’s Ellen. She’s wearing a maroon, velvet pantsuit. Why not wear a dress, Ellen? What are you, gay? Come on, I'm just joking. You know I love Ellen. I like her stand up, all of her tv shows (mostly based upon some character named Ellen), and also her talk show. I wonder if she’ll dance around and rap like she does on her talk show? Fingers crossed.

5:38 Penelope Cruz is hot. No sign of Scarlett Johansson yet.

5:44 Ellen is dancing around and tamborining in the aisles with a gospel choir. Classic Ellen.

5:45 Other than the host, the first two people to speak at the Academy Awards are a British dude and an Aussie Chick. I just think that it’s weird, being an American Award. Great national pride, Academy. Also, I think it’s funny how Australians talk sometimes. Nicole Kidman says “America” like “Ameriker.”

5:49 Cutting away to the first commercial break, we see the voice announcers for the show. Bamm. It’s Don Lafontaine. The guy who has the job I want. Coolest movie announcer voice ever. I know he’s done over 5,000 movie trailer voiceovers (seriously, he has), but man is he blowing up lately or what? First, he was on Family Guy, then the Geico commercial, and now face time at the Oscars. Pretty soon he’ll be starring in movies! Which might clear up space for me to voice over some trailers.

5:53 Will Ferrel, Jack Black, and John C. Reily sing about how comedians never win Oscars. And the whole time, in my mind, I’m critiquing their singing. “Will, you were a little pitchy in the second verse, and Jack, you were singing through your nose. John, the vibrato was a little overpowering for a group performance. I’m going to have to say no to Hollywood.” Can you tell I’ve watched all six seasons of American Idol?

5:55 Be careful Hollywood, Mark Walberg will kick your ass. He was arrested 25 times as a kid.

6:00 Abigail Breslin, that little girl from Little Miss Sunshine, is presenting an award along with Will Smith’s son, Jayden, from that music video “Just the Two of Us.” First Abigail was in the Apple commercial intro, then Ellen talked to Abigail in the monologue, then she was clapping in an audience shot, and now she’s presenting? We’re only a half hour into the show and I’ve seen this little annoying girl six times. Stop shoving her down my throat. I wonder if she’s been in any other movies? Or will she be in the future? Any future role that she does that doesn't get nominated for an Oscar is a letdown, right? She's peaked at ten years old. And now, every movie she's in will say “Academy Award Nominated Abigail Breslin.” What about when she’s in high school? Does she turn in reports with a title page that says “Global Warming and the Effects on the California Coast by Academy Award Nominated Abigail Breslin?” I wonder if she is going to be a child actor who grows up to make halfway watchable romantic comedies like Drew Barrymore. Whatever the case, just stop showing her during the awards show. By the way, I hope she loses.

6:01 Will Smith’s son reads a wrong line from the teleprompter and brushes it off with style. It was actually pretty cute/funny. Which means it was probably scripted.

6:10 Ellen apologizes and clarifies: Penelope Cruz is a hot Spaniard, not a hot Mexican.

6:12 The Hollywood Sound Effects Choir performs. It’s a pretty cool performance. Scenes are shown without sound, and this choir of people makes all the sounds with their mouth. Cars, rainstorms, alomst any and every sound you can think. It’s pretty much the same thing that this group did in that car commercial. This wasn’t as cool as the car commercial, but still pretty cool if you’re seeing them for the first time. Also, it appears that Howie Mandell’s brother is the director.

6:17 Hey, there’s Jessica Biel. Still no sign of Scarlett.

6:22 Ladies and Gentlemen, Academy Award Nominated Mark Walberg.

6:26 Ellen introduces another performance. It’s the rolling-on-the-ground shadow artist troupe from that other car commercial. On one hand, I think this is cool, even cooler than the sound effects choir. But on the other hand, I’m thinking WTF? Is the Academy just watching NFL commercials and saying “Hey, we should get those guys for our show?” Presenting the next award, Jay Mohr and a can of Diet Pepsi.

6:28 Apparently, Dove did a viewer contest for their Cream Oil Body Wash. And the winning commercial was just aired during the Oscars, much like the viewer-submitted NFL and Doritos commercials that aired during the Super Bowl. We in the advertising industry are screwed if this trend continues. We’ll all lose our jobs to horrible, but zero-cost, viewer-produced commercials.

6:32 Randy Newman and James Taylor perform some song from Cars.
I fast-forward the TiVo.

6:34 Melissa Etheridge performs some song from An Incovenient Truth.
I fast-forward the Tivo.

6:42 This is how Cameron Diaz was announced: “The voice of Princess Fiona from the Shrek movies, Cameron Diaz.” Ok, it makes a little sense because it was the animation award, but still, to me it seemed like she could take it as an insult to not mention any other role she’s ever had. They said, “Cameron, you’re hot and a talented actress, but in our opinion the only good thing you’ve ever done is talk in those green monster cartoons. That’s all we’re going to mention.” “You mean you can’t say Being John Malkovich, The Gangs of New York, Something About Mary, and Shrek?” “Ummm, I think we’re just going to say Shrek.”

6:46 I always forget what Ben Affleck won an Oscar for. Forces of Nature? No… Changing Lanes? No… Daredevil? No… Gigli! It’s gotta be Gigli, right? Then what is it?… oh that’s right, he allegedly co-wrote Good Will Hunting.

6:47 All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

6:50 Borat is nominated for something! Oh no, I wonder what scene they’ll show! I’m worried that Borat will embarrass the Academy if they show the clip of him running naked through a hotel. Whew, dodged a bullet on that one. They chose to show the clip of him shitting into a bag at a dinner party.

6:54 Heading to commercial, we meet our backstage reporter, Chris Connelly. Yes, the same Chris Connelly from Yo! MTV News, MTV Rock N’ Jock Basketball VII, and RetroSexual: The 80’s. Okay, I know that this guy did some real MTV News specials about voting and the war overseas, and he also does human interest reports for SportsCenter sometimes, but I just can’t take him seriously after eight years of Rock N’ Jock. Apparently he’s legit, though, because Tom Hanks knows who he is.

7:11 Ellen goes into the audience and gets Steven Spielberg to take a picture of her and Clint Eastwood for her MySpace page. And then she continues to give Spielberg composition instructions to make the snapshot look better. So far Ellen is doing a good job hosting.

7:20 We come back from commercial. Naomi Watts is presenting. But still no Scarlett. I’m starting to think she didn’t show. Or maybe she didn’t get invited! She’s never had the best attitude, and lately, she has been skanking it up a little bit.

7:30 Two foreign people are presenting the award for Best Foreign Language Film. The Academy is finally taking my advice.

7:32 The German guy who won had a long speech and the orchestra started to play him off. He said, “No I have to say one more thing…” Good for you man. Don’t let some band director tell you when to stop talking. You just won the biggest award of your life, but they want to cut you off so that they can air one more Chevy commercial. He said his last thing, which was short, but I wish someone would just continue until they get physically yanked by a bouncer. And then when they do get yanked, let their body go limp like a ragdoll, all non-violent-protest style.

7:35 Congrats to Jennifer Hudson, whom I did not vote for on American Idol. Also, ladies and gentleman, Academy Award Nominated Abigail Breslin. You lost little girl. You didn’t cut it. Better luck never.

7:44 Jerry Seinfeld is presenting an award by doing a 2-minute bit on movie theater snacks. Classic Jerry. They showed him in the crowd a couple of times earlier tonight. I was wondering what he’s been up to lately. I know he doesn’t need to work; he has, like, 50 Ferraris. But I always hope he’ll do something else in tv. He’s too funny to quit. Maybe he could host the Oscars next year?

7:47 They’re naming the documentary award nominees. I don’t know who’s won yet, but if you haven’t seen it, rent An Inconvenience Truth. I haven’t seen the other nominated movies, so I can’t say anything good or bad about them. But I also order you to rent When The Levees Broke. You NEED to see these two movies, NOW. Spike Lee’s When The Levees Broke couldn’t even be nominated for an award because of some strange rule; it aired on HBO before hitting movie theaters. Lame, Academy. Lame.

7:56 Celine Dion is singing. This is so 1997. I fast-forward the TiVo.

8:00 Clint Eastwood translates Italian for Ennio Morricone. Wow, this is a random and awkward scenario. Who knew that Clint spoke Italian? And is this a special occasion, or does he do this all the time? Like a side job, for the UN?

8:06 Hot Spanish (not Mexican) actress Penelope Cruz is presenting an award. I’ve given up on Scarlett.

8:06 Another funny word in Australian; Hugh Jackman said “roster” but it sounded like “rasta.” Yes, Rasta, like the Jamaican religion. Big ups and irie to Hugh Jackman, mon.

8:16 Chris Connolley’s nasally voice greets us once again as we’re heading to commercial. Why is he even here? Twice in three hours—do we really need a backstage reporter if we’re only going to use him for a total of 35 seconds out of three hours? Sorry Connolley, you’re gone next year when Seinfeld hosts. Ray Romano, you’re in as backstage reporter, and we're giving you a total of five minutes.

8:19 Despite Sawyer’s advice, Kate is going back for Jack. Oh wait, it’s just a commercial. Lost. Wednesdays at 10pm.

8:21 Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, and some other people from a movie I didn’t see sing a lot. I fast-forward the TiVo.

8:27 I am getting worried. My TiVo is saying I have three minutes left, but the big awards haven’t been given out. Crap I think the show is running long and my DVR can't account for that. Damn you, technology. I might miss the ending. Why didn't I watch it live?

Yeah, I missed the ending. I don't know exactly what happened. But I went online to do a litte research. It turns out that Scorsese finally won. He has deserved this for years. He’d been previously nominate for Raging Bull, Last Temptation of Christ, Goodfellas, Gangs of New York, and The Aviator. He finally got it. Marty, call me in the morning. Congrats buddy.

DV-ARRRRRGGGGGGG!!!

2007-02-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

I’m a little mad at my DVR right now. When I woke up this morning, all of my shows had been erased. Gone. Completely deleted. And I had no explanation why.

(Sidenote: A DVR is a Digital Video Recorder. Sometimes referred to as TiVo. TiVo is the Kleenex of DVRs. A DVR is like a magical VCR recorder that doesn’t need tapes--it’s all elecronical. If you are reading my blog, you are a person who should know what a DVR is, but then again sometimes gypsies and my mom read my blog. Okay now everyone is on the same page.)

I have Comcast’s Motorola DVR for HDTVs. It only costs $5 or $10 a month, sweet. It records HD channels for me, sweet. I can fastforward through commercials, sweet. I can rewind and watch funny parts again, sweet. It was a pretty sweet deal actually, until today, not sweet. I sat down to watch a recorded show while eating breakfast, and I see that I have no recorded shows and 100% memory available. What?!? Something is not right!

I do a little research on the world wide internets and find that this has happened to other people, too. Same service, same Motorola DVR. Some of those people got mad. And blogged in SCREAMING ALLCAPS. I don't blog in allcaps. I am somewhat relieved when I find that some internet geek found that the majority of these random erases can be fixed by calling Comcast. The Comcast person will send a reboot signal to my DVR, it will restart, and everything will be fine.

I called in, the lady tried it, and it did not work. The lady said to unplug it and replug it. Then, if that didn’t work, I was shit out of luck.

I was shit out of luck.

During my lunch break I called Comcast back to try and figure this thing out. I wanted to know why it erased all my stuff. The Comcast dude says that they at Comcast don't know what causes it to self erase. And that's what it really is, a self-erase. Had it just been a menu glitch or something else, their over-the-wire reboot would have fixed it. He didn't give a definite answer and passed the blame along to Motorola, saying that sometimes the machine has a perfect storm of computer code that tells it to self-erase. And Motorola is working on it. They will send out a firmware patch if it ever gets fixed. The good news is that this problem shouldn't happen again. It's not a hardware problem, just a random software glitch.

The good news is that the guy gave me a free month off of my Comcast bill for the trouble.

The bad news is that all my stuff is gone. Hours of comedy specials. A documentary or two that I wanted to backup on tape. Some episodes of Modern Marvels, Myth Busters, and Dirty Jobs that I hadn't watched yet. Hours of cooking shows that had recipes I was trying. Luckily I'm all caught up on Lost, 24, and American Idol.

Cyber Stung

2007-02-12T23:09:00.000-08:00

I’m a little overwhelmed with all the news programs catching online predators. The one’s that set up sting operations and trap the perverts who try to have sex with young children. It’s becoming a little much.

Let me state that I’m not against local and national police doing these sting operations. I’m Pro-Sting. I don’t want these pedophiles out there prying on the innocence and/or ignorance of young teenagers. I think that this is an okay step in policing online communication. Currently, the mode of communication is MySpace or Facebook. But it seems like this problem has been around forever. It’s just the digital medium that’s changed.

These are concerns that people had with bulletin boards, then chat rooms, then instant messaging, and now online social networks. The only worrisome thing is that each progressive step in online communication reveals a little bit more information about the user, like a MySpace page providing information like the user’s age, high school, and pictures. Before these sites, a user could hide behind an ambiguous chat name.

So there, that’s said. I’m Pro-Sting. But I’m not Pro-Media-Blitz-The-Shit- Out-Of-The-Sting.

I can’t escape hearing about Operation Cyber Sting, or whatever that particular channel is calling their story. First there were national news shows, and now there are local news shows. And then there are all the fake news shows like Hollywood Access and Outside Edition. And the satirical news shows like The Daily Show and The Soup. And then talk shows like Leno and Conan. And I haven’t checked Univision or Telemundo yet, but I’m sure they’re covering it too.

And when the straight news isn't enough, the shows twist the angle and show the silly and stupid predators. I’m hearing about the stupid guy who gets caught twice in the same week by the same sting team. I’m hearing about the guy who gets caught and wants to know when the segment will air on tv. And so on and so on. Enough.

The sad thing is that these local news channels aren’t airing these segments for social justice. They’re airing them for ratings. If they continue to run this into the ground, the online pedophiles are just going to change up their tactics. They’ll talk amongst themselves or whatever they do. I don’t know if they have meetings or host a chat room, but they will get wise if we keep showing it to them at 11 o’clock every single night.

Why can’t the local media just let these stings happen in the background so that they continue to work for a longer period of time? Wouldn’t that seem like the most logical, most effective, most socially just thing to do? Yes, but that wouldn’t get the viewers ratings in, now.

Always Sunny in LOST

2007-02-08T11:45:00.000-08:00

So, new episodes of Lost started back up last night. I'm not going to use my blog to talk about plot/hidden meanings/conspiracies. There are hundreds of Lost blogs that already do that (Lost + blog = Llog? Loblog? Stlog? I like stlog.). Anyway, there was one moment of the Lost episode that really shocked me: Seeing Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia standing in the jungle as an Others prison guard. He even had a rifle. This threw me off for the rest of an episode.

If you haven't seen the show, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you should. It's a comedy show on FX. It's been described as "Seinfeld on crack." It's about four not-too-intelligent friends who own a bar in Phily. Hilarity ensues. Episodes tackle subjects like underage drinking, birth control, firearms, national pride, but in a funny, entertaining way. Just watch it.

Well, the show's creator, Rob McElhenney, is also one of the show's writers and one of the four main characters, Mac. This guy, Rob McElhenney, is living the dream in my opinion. He created and wrote a comedy show. He got it made and run on an edgy cable network. And he acts in it, too. I would love to do this as a living. Write stories, act them out, and get paid. He's living the dream.

So WTF is he doing as a bit character on Lost? See, to me, I envision a struggling actor taking any supporting role he can get, and in his spare time he writes and pitches his comedy show to studios. But Mac already has his show. Why does he need to be an extra on Lost?

I did some research on the world wide internets and found out the story. Mac was in a restaurant and got approached by two fans who like Always Sunny. Turns out they were writers for Lost. Mac is a fan of Lost,wanted to see how a "real" show was run, and got invited to their set. They said hey dude want to be an extra. He said cool, no way. Done. People helping people. Scratching backs.

So I guess it turns out that he did it just for fun, because he loves Lost. I guess people guest star on other shows all the time. The cast of 24 is all over other shows. I mean how don't the guys on Heros recognize Sylar from CTU? And how come President David Palmer is trying to sell me car insurance?

Maybe the reason it felt so awkward to see Mac on Lost was because he is a writer/actor on a comedy show. Lost is a drama, a weird, fantastical drama, but serious acting nonetheless. I was just hoping to have Charlie pop out and go America all over the Others asses.

Celebrities Alergic to Couches?

2007-02-06T16:05:00.000-08:00

It hurts my feelings when a celebrity is a guest on a late night talk show and then leaves when his or her segment is done. It hurts me as a viewer.

The guest might be an attractive model in a short dress, or maybe a politician who I want to hear more from, or just a funny comedian. Regardless of who they are or what they do, guests should be forced to sit on that side-couch to the left of the interview chair. They should not be allowed to leave when their five minutes are done.

The major reason I say this is because of the potential for awkward and/or unique interaction between dissimilar guests. I want to see what the comedian says to the Victoria Secret model. I want to see how the violin virtuoso compliments the metal guitar rocker on his new album. I want to see how Barack Obama reacts to Paris Hilton's idiotic comments.

This is my favorite part of the talk show setup. The first guest scooting over, and the second guest sitting next to the first. Usually celebrities have an agenda while on the show--to promote a new album, movie, charity, or whatever. But when their five minutes are done, and they are sitting on the side couch, they can just be themselves. Real. Natural. No agenda. I don't like it when a guest is "too busy" and has to leave. I get the feeling they came on the show just to shill their crappy tv show. But if they stick around, I know that they care, or at least are good sports and act like they care.

Comedians are probably the best side-couchers. They sit over there and interrupt with a relevant joke. Ha ha, people laugh. The host says a joke too. Ha ha, more laughs. And back to the interview. I like this. I smile. Veteran actors are good, too. They are confident and don't mind interrupting/joining in/sharing. Models are also good, because everyone wants to talk with a model. Some rocket scientist could be explaining solar physics to Conan O'Brien, and he would pause to see if Heidi Klum had some funny story that even partially relates to anything.

Sometimes the side-guest main-guest relationship doesn't work out. The people are just too different, one guest is shy, or one is really creepy. This isn't always a bad thing. As a viewer, I enjoy conflict as well. This week on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, Jimmy kicked Andy Dick off the side-couch for fondling Ivanka Trump. I wish there had been more kicking and fighting, but I'll take what I can get.

So, I propose a new ultimatum. All guest on late night talk show are required to stay until the credits roll. No exceptions. Except for models, because, I mean come on, who wouldn't bend the rules for a model?

Original, Groundbreaking Sports Headline

2007-02-05T14:31:00.000-08:00

I haven’t blogged about sports in a while, but today I have something special. I have a hard-hitting, groundbreaking, monumental headline that I have seen no local or national sportswriters cover since Superbowl XLI ended yesterday.

And I can’t figure out why nobody in the media has covered it. My best guess at an explanation is that this story is being swept aside by these two major stories:
1. Peyton Manning finally succeeding in winning “the big game.”
2. Tony Dungy being the first African-American coach to win the Superbowl.

And those two things are great. They are big headlines. But every, and I mean EVERY, newspaper/news website/blog has something to say about those stories. I am providing you with a new headline/story/teaser that I guarantee no one else has.

And on top of discovering this story, I’m giving this one away. I want a professional to do some further research, add a little finesse, and then publish this story for all to read. If some national or local writer wants to take this and run with it, I’m giving him or her full reign. Write away. John Clayton, Peter King, Bill Simmons, Peter Hockaday, heck, even John Canzano, I allow you a crack at this headline.

Are you ready? Here is it:

Lovie Smith, the first (and only) African-American coach to lose the Superbowl.

I Feel Like A PC, Not a Mac.

2007-01-22T12:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if it's a virus, or the flu, or some sickness with flu-like symtoms, but something kicked my ass this weekend. From 5pm Friday to 9am Monday, I rarely left my couch. Multiple times to the bathroom. Once to the store. I was congested, sniffly, coughy, rumbly, and weak for more than two days.

My buddy Mike suggested that I might be sick from karma. He mentioned that less than a week ago I renounced the "bless you." Yeah, it might be karma and not a cold or flu. At this point, I'm not ruling anything out.

I'm headed on the right track to healthiness, though. Today I feel only half as bad as I did on Saturday and Sunday. I went into work for about an hour before I was told to go home. To be honest, I didn't want to be there, but I had some things that needed to be sent out quickly. It was much easier for me to just do them than to tell someone else how to do them.

Right now, I'm just pumping my body full of as much medicine and good things it can take: Tussin (not Robitussin. What, you think I'm made of money?), Vitamin C, Electrolytes, Sudafed, Ibuprofen, Halls with Menthol, McAffe, and Norton. Hopefully I'm on my way to feeling like a Mac again.

Relax. You're at Great Clips.

2007-01-18T20:58:00.000-08:00

I just watched a commercial for the haircutting place, Great Clips. And it scared me. Not in a “scared for my life” kind of way, but in a “oh shit, they are going to screw up my hair” kind of way. I truly believe that if I go to Great Clips, I would leave with a worse haircut than when I entered. I would bet money that the people in the Great Clips commercial don’t get their hair cut there.

It’s no secret that I get my hair cut at SuperCuts. I’ve been going for years. Yes, it’s a low-budget chain, but they have some positive qualities. First, they are all educated at a SuperCuts school. So, their terminology is universal (like “a number two on the sides, blended, finger tight…”). Second, I can call ahead and not wait in a line. And third, I don’t like to put my name in the hat and get a random cutter. I try to request someone who I like and trust. Right now it’s Megan, aka “Snips,” at the Hollywood SuperCuts in NE Portland.

But I’ve always been hesitant of Great Clips and Precision Cuts. I had one bad experience at Great Clips (just bad in general, not worth mentioning). And my old roommate, Drew, had a bad one at Precision Cuts. His story goes something like the lady was mean, gave him lip, and half-asses his hair. But then when he went to pay, and she saw some twenties in his money clip, she started chatting it up like they were old friends. Nice, way to work for that tip.

I guess the reason I write this post is that these chains market themselves as shitty places. I’ve never seen a commercial or print ad talking about quality or service. It’s always about low prices and half-off coupons. And I guess that’s not wrong. It’s what they are, cheap national haircut chains. But that still doesn’t make me feel good or confident in going to their stores. I feel skeptical and unsure. A haircut is a service that I buy that directly affects my appearance and self-confidence for the next month. If it wasn’t for Megan aka “Snips” or the good SuperCutters in my past (January and Rick, what what), SuperCuts would not get my business.

And does anyone else find it funny that the shittiest, most low-budget national haircut chains have such lofty names, which do nothing to describe their product or service. Super Cuts. Great Clips. Precision Cuts. No offence, but super, great, and precise are probably not the adjectives that come to my mind. It’s more like, cheap, convenient, and adequate.

Lastly, I’m glad that Great Clips understand the hesitancy and nervousness I would experience while getting my hair cut at their stores. Because their tag line for their commercial promoting their $6.99 special is “Relax. You’re at Great Clips.” That’s the equivalent of “What’d you expect? Alberson’s soda.” And “Hope you’re not allergic to dog. Taco Bell.” Seriously, relax, take a deep breath, and we’ll try to not mess up your head. And if we do, you can’t blame us, because it cost you less than seven bucks. Great Clips.

Snow-Ho-Ho

2007-01-16T22:48:00.000-08:00

Wow, it’s been a while. I appologize. I’ve been so busy with work and sleeping that I haven’t found time to write. But I'm back with a January update. So, let’s do six quick hits, then I’m out. You ready?

1. Homeless guys and urban raccoons. These are the things in my neighborhood that scare me at night. Let’s just say I’ve recently had small run-ins with both of these things after midnight on the way from my car to my apartment. I am not injured, but I am a little traumatized.

2. I’m sick of all the sniffling and sneezing at work. It always happens every winter. And all of the people saying “bless you” every five minutes is even worse. I have officially renounced blessing people. No more blessings from me, especially in a public setting. If you and I are alone, I might let a “bless you” slip accidentally, but I’m really trying to quit.

3. I am really excited about 2007. Not because there’s anything special happening this year. Just that I like the way I write my sevens. I totally have a kick-ass seven in my handwriting arsenal. You know the kind, right? The seven with the horizontal line through it. Kind of like a seven with arms. It might be my favorite numeral. Either seven or five.

4. Has anyone even seen a glass break while clinking during a “cheers.” I think that it would be cool to see. Would it be because the person aggressively clinks too hard? Or maybe because of a weak or cracked glass? And are there negative effects? Like dealing with shards of glass all over the table, possibly in people’s food. And what do you do about the karma? Breaking a glass during a cheers or a toast seems like bad luck to me. (These are things I think about…)

5. I think I want to invent a stroller with a gun rack attached to it. Not that I’m in to hunting or that I have any children. But I totally see the potential market for this product. I can easily imagine the type of mother who A) wants to accompany her husband on hunting trips and B) doesn’t want to pay for a babysitter. (Again, things that I think about…)

6. It snowed today here in Portland. Boo-yeah. About f-ing time. But I still had to walk to work. Dang.

Back to the Furniture, Part II

2006-12-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Nick blogged about a promotional opportunity he missed out on. A local furniture company said they would refund your $2000+ furniture purchase if UCLA beat USC. And UCLA did end up beating USC. Looks like the promotion backfired on them.

My advice to Nick is this: Nick, follow a similar action to that of Biff in Back to the Future, Part II. Buy a "2006-2007 Furniture Sales and Promotions Almanac," travel back to last weekend, and slip it to the "November 2006" Nick.

I guess it doesn't really matter when you do it... today, tomorrow, fifty years from now... the older and creepier you are, the better. And while you're back in the past, slip one to the "November 2006" Giraffe as well. I won't recognize you because you'll be old and creepy and have a hover-wheelchair, but just mention that it's like Biff in BTTF2, and I'll know what you're talking about.

I guess this somewhat general advice really applies to all of you readers. In the future, when we get to the point where we have flying cars, hover skateboards, automaticly drying jackets, 3D hologramic Jaws movie marquees, and most-importantly time machines, you should look for obsure almanacs to give to your younger self. And a younger Giraffe.

Seven Thoughts

2006-12-01T20:59:00.000-08:00

Seven thoughts to think about this weekend:

1. I live in Northwest Portland. The sanitation truck that picks up the recycling in my neighborhood is from “Eastside Recycling.” Eastside Recycling. Northwest Portland. Way to have neighborhood pride, Northwest Portland. Way to keep it local. I’m going to try and see what company picks up my garbage, but if it says Salem Sanitation, I’m going to move.

2. My dogs don’t understand holidays. Last week, Barkley was playing with a Halloween-themed dog toy. Come on Barkley, totally wrong holiday. Ghosts are October. Turkeys are November. Santas are December. Get it straight.

3. As much as I would like the job, I don't think I could ever be a SportsCenter anchor. I just don't think I could handle wearing a jacket and tie, every single day.

5. Do FedEx delivery drivers hate UPS drivers, and vice versa? Like, is it like a gang war? And where does DHL fit into all of this? Nobody likes their stupid yellow trucks anyways.

6. Is it wrong that I want to be in the New Jersey mafia or maybe even be a drug dealer in Baltimore?... Can you tell that I’ve been watching a lot of DVDs of The Sopranos and The Wire.

7. You know that guy with the movie trailer voice? I mean, the guy with the voice? He does all the good ones... “In a word without hope... One man... One chance... Against all odds... ” You know, that guy? Well, when is he going to die? I really want that job.

HeliChips

2006-11-29T16:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I came up with another invention. You can't steal it though. I'm moral trademarking it right now. If you steal this idea and make tons of money, you will pay with your soul. Or stock options. I accept both.

So here's the idea...HeliChips. Bags of chips that are packed in helium instead of...air? or whatever they normally have in them. But it's a bag of Tortilla chips, Sun Chips, or Doritos that has helium in it! Wouldn't that be freakin' awesome?!?!

Just think about ripping open a bag and then huffing chip vapors and talking like Simon or Theodore. "Meeee, I wannnnnt a hoooooola-hoooooop!" Oh man, I'm so excited just typing about it.

There are so many kinds of chips you could helium! (<---notice that I used "helium" as a verb, to helium something) Of course, we could do it with all the "itos" (Doritos, Fritos, Tostidos, Lays with Rigiditos). We could even do it with Cheetos! (another "ito.") Each different chip could have its own heliumed name, like Cheetos HeliCrunchy and Cheetos HeliPuffs.

Okay, time to wrap it up and get serious. Potential financial investors, here are the top three selling benefits of HeliChips:
1. Freaking awesome product. Unique. Funny voice alterations. Shared experiences. Smiles all around.

2. Huge target audience: Childen, Adults, College students, Stoners... the list goes on.

3. Cuts down on transportation costs. By packing our product in a lifting gas, our semi trucks will be lighter, and use less fuel. Another option could be delivering it in a blimp!

Investors, contact me.

What? of the Loom

2006-11-28T20:24:00.000-08:00

I saw a Fruit of the Loom commercial and was puzzled by the characters. If you are unaware, Fruit of the Loom, the underwear manufacturer, has mascots. In their commercials, grown men dress like giant fruit, and interact in daily social situations as the fruit. It’s unclear to me if they are “guys dressed as fruit” or if they are supposed to be magical, mythical, giant walking and talking fruit.

What is really puzzling to me is the specific fruits that the guys are supposed to be. I’ve always understood the guy dressed as a red apple. And the two guys that are dressed as grapes, green and red (purple grapes?).

It’s always the fourth fruit guy that confuses me. What the hell is he supposed to be? He looks kind of orange/brownish and kind of spikey/leafy. WTF are you, dude? Are you a clump of spaghetti? That’s not a fruit. Are you Animal from The Muppets? Again, not fruit.

And recently, the weird orange guy has been replaced by a weird leafy green guy. That's very confusing. Did the orange guy die? Did he get cut from the group? Was he rotten, but now he's in season?

It turns out that after a little internet research, the fourth fruit is supposed to be a fig leaf. I’m assuming that the internet is referring to the green guy. I know nothing about figs or fig leaves, but I think Adam and Eve had green bikinis on.

In conclusion, I’m confused why this company chose to associate fruit with their underwear. And secondly, why include a crappy fruit like a fig or a head of lettuce with cool fruits like apple and grape. I guess that choosing a banana is just a little too suggestive.

Lord of the Ring

2006-11-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies who are in long term relationships (LTRs) should be required to wear some sort of long-term relationship ring. It has a similar function as an engagement ring--to alert and deter. At bars and house parties, it would help single guys avoid wasting time on ladies who already have a man. I won’t waste time on you, and you won’t get approached by single guys trying to hit on girls.

This is probably a win-win situation for both people in the LTR. I’m sure girls wouldn’t mind receiving this jewelry gift from their boyfriend. And I’m sure most guys would be willing to spend a few bucks if it keeps sketchy dudes away from their girlfriend.

I think this is a modern version of what they did back in the fifties and sixties--pinning. Am I saying that right, pinning? To "pin" a girl? Like after the sock hop, you "pin" her jacket or something, and then she uses her rotary phone to tell her friend how "dreamy" you are? And then together they sing a two-part call-and-response song ending in dancing and jazz hands. I think this is right. I'm pretty sure something like this happened in Grease or Bye Bye Birdie.

Oh, one last note. All of us single guys got together and approved one exception to this new LTR ring policy. If you’re one of those girls who is in a relationship, but is actively searching for a better boyfriend, then you are allowed to leave the ring at home. But only if you are serious about cheating on your boyfriend. Slutty girls can do this to, just as long as your boyfriend is not at the bar/party and has no chance of kicking my ass.

Evesgiving

2006-11-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

Why don't more holidays have "eves"? There are some good ones, like New Years Eve, Christmas Eve, and even Halloween is technically an eve. All usually have good parties, good food, and sometimes presents. I think that there should be more eves. Flag Eay Eve... President’s Day Eve... Evester...

I even want to have an eve for my birthday. I think that would be a good one. Kind of like two birthdays. Like a preparty and then an afterparty. (Then after the party?—The Hotel Lobby... Six in the Mornin’, Six in the Mornin’.)

Thanksgiving is this week, but so is a new holiday. And I think that the new holiday, Thanksgiving Eve (aka Evesgiving), should be a little bit different. Like instead of being thankful, you get to demand that others be thankful of you. Kind of like calling out why people should thank you on the next day (Thanksgiving).

“This Evesgiving, I want you to be thankful of me. I totally saved your ass by paying rent that one month. And what about when I picked you up from the airport? And you didn’t even offer to pay for gas? What was that? I need double thanks for that one…”

Happy Evesgiving.

Things I Think About When I See a Homeless Person

2006-11-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a homeless person pushing a cart down the street. He had all of his belongings in his shopping cart, and it was a little chilly outside. And this made me think.

Do grocery stores get to write of the stolen shopping carts on their taxes? Like, is that a "charitable donation?" Or can they put stolen carts in the "net loss" category? Do they buy 200 new cart with the foresight that 10-15 will get stolen?

If they see the act of stealing, do they chase after the getaway cart?

Do grocery stores file police reports for stolen carts? “Hello, 911? It’s Safeway. We just got cart jacked! Yes, again!” Cops would then pull over a homeless guy and search the VIN number of the cart? "So, buddy, you just found the cart in a ditch, you say? Likely story. We're taking you downtown and putting you in a lineup. Book him, Murphy."

Homeless people are getting free reign here. Stealing carts when and wherever they want! They’re getting away with murder! Well, not murder. It’s just an expression. But I’m sure that some homeless people have gotten away with murder, but that’s another blog.

Trick or... Frozen Stuffed Sandwich?

2006-11-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

I had an uneventful Halloween day this year. I didn't go to a party or to a bar. I had a new costume that we made a work, but I didn't wear it out. The past couple years, I have had a run of some good ones--a toilet, UPS delivery man, "From Corvalis" (pretty much a hunting hick). I did go to a buddy's housewarming/halloween party last weekend and saw some good costumes.

But for the actual Halloween day, I just stayed in and watch the NBA openers on TNT and did some reading. I wasn't really feeling "Halloween-y" this year. No pumpkin carving, no fake spiderwebs, and no candy. I didn't buy any. So I tried to avoid trick-or-treaters. I closed the blinds at my apartment and turned off the lights. And this actually worked.

The whole night, I only got one doorbell ring. When I answered it, I was greeted by a brother-sister trick-or-treating duo. The were probably 5 and 7 years old. One was a ballerina and one was a turtle. (Guess which was which? Hint--if the boy was in a tutu, I would have said "One was a ballerino.")

Well crap, I didn't have any candy, so I improvised... HOT POCKETS! Yes, the ballerina and the turtle left my apartment with nutricious, delicious Hot Pockets. If only I were that lucky as a child! The only thing I can remember getting that wasn't candy was a toothbrush (the dentist in the neighborhood), and a toothbrush is no fun.

Grammer-B-Gon

2006-10-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

I'll be upfront with you. Sometimes I’m a grammar nerd. I mean, I’m not perfect. I do occasionally end my sentences with a preposition. Or maybe I start a sentence with a conjunction. But for the most part, I identify dependant clauses. I properly set up my indirect appositives. Even using a gerund is commonplace for me. But one thing that has been bugging me lately is corporations intentionally misspelling words.

I recently noticed a bottle of weed killer in my mom’s garage. The name of this product is Weed-B-Gon. Just the name of this bottle pisses me off. Doesn’t it piss you off, too? It pisses me off. First, it is misspelled. Second, it is hyphenated to make a single word. Actually, it is an attempt at smashing a full sentence into a single word. A better attempt at this would be “Weeds-will-be-gone.” Or “Kill-weeds-with-this-chemical-spray.”

I am trying to find the reason for the improper spelling and hyphenation of this product. Are they marketing to illiterate yard workers? Do complete sentences turn away consumers? Is there research that proves that hyphens increase sales volume? Are they trying to piss of grammar nerd bloggers with journalism degrees?

Another example is Toys”R”Us. I can’t even type the name of the store, because my keyboard does not have a backwards R key. (Dammit, where is the backwards R? Control-function-F4? Nope. I give up.)

Like Weed-B-Gon, Toys”R”Us likes to mash an incomplete and incorrect sentence into a single word, this time using quotation marks. Just in case you were wondering, it should be Toys”Are”We. I wonder if there is a study that proves how many cases of dyslexia are even partially influenced from that damn backwards R. I know that it set me back a month or two in Forth”Grad”English”Klass.

In conclusion, just name your company or product with a short name. Maybe just a word, maybe two. People will figure out what kind of product your selling. The first word in Toys”R”Us is toys. We get it; you sell toys. Weed-B-Gon is in a similar shaped bottle (with the handle and the pump-spray nozzle) and on the same shelf in the garden section as all the other weed killers.

And please, if you do need to have a long name, take a look at the positive example executed by the fine folks at "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!"

Footnote: Geoffrey the Giraffe, I do not like the way you spell your name. I'm more of a "Jeff" fan than a "Geoff" fan. I feel like I should pronounce your name "Gee-off." We can work through this in the meantime. I'm a Giraffe. You're a Giraffe. It's cool. But be warned, if I see you on the street and I'm with people I know, I will not talk to you.

The Apple iTree

2006-10-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

(This blog may or may not be relevant by the time this is posted to the internet. The products mentioned in the blog will probably be already out of date.)

Dear Steve Jobs,
First, let me say that I like your work. I like Apple. I like your products--the simplicity, the functionality, the sleek design. I own a couple—-a laptop, two iPods, and some smaller peripherals. I’m a repeat customer, and I’m mostly pleased.

That being said, I am frustrated. Why? Because five minutes after I buy one of your Apple products, I feel that the new product is obsolete. The joy and excitement I had for owning this cool, new, top-of-the-line Apple product disappears. It happens every time. And do you want to know why? It’s because you release a newer, slimmer, faster model right after I’ve broken the seal on the shrink-wrap.

I have to hand it to you. Your company seems to know what you’re doing. I am still satisfied with the product, but just disappointed that it isn’t top of the line anymore. I keep coming back to Apple. Nothing is wrong with my product-—it still functions well, looks good, and does what I bought it to do. It just isn’t as... new. All of your upgrades are significant enough to diminish the last version, but not large enough for me to trash it. You seem to be walking this thin line of almost pissing me off and getting me excited for the next generation of Apple gizmo.

For example, I bought an iPod Photo almost two years ago. It was the first iPod with a color screen, and I paid extra for that feature. I had what others didn’t have—-a color screen. And I was happy. For about three months. Because then the iPod Video came out. All the new iPod Videos have color screens now, and they are slimmer, and they play video, and they cost less. Well, shit! I wish I had known that three months ago!

Another issue are my laptops--12” G4 Powerbook at home, 15” G4 Powerbook at work. They are pimped out with software and ramm. They are good computers, but not great anymore. They aren’t a G5, or even an MacPro Intel Duo. I don’t even know what version of OSX we’re on anymore...Panther, Cheetah, Orca, Grizzly? My laptops suit me fine. They get the job done. But Apple has me wanting the newer, faster laptops.

What prompted me to write this blog is the latest fiasco. I just bought an iPod Nano last month. I was psyched. This is my first mp3 player upgrade in two years. The Nano is so small, lightweight, and just plain cool. My old iPod Photo feels like a brick compared to the Nano. But gosh darnit, what’s this? What’s this new commercial? New Nanos?!?! That have brighter screens, longer battery life, and double the storage capacity for no extra cost? And they come in five or six different color choices?

Apple just shat on me again.

This is my diagram describing Apple’s product strategy. I call it “The Apple iTree.” At the bottom of the iTree stands me and all the other Apple customers. Notice my hand picking a product off the the iTree. Within arm’s reach grows a 4GB iPod Nano. Unbeknownst to me, halfway up the tree, barely out of sight and barely reachable grows an 8GB Nano in five new colors. Soon it will grow closer to the customers. It makes my 4GB Apple not as sweet (get it? sweet? like fruit? it's a pun. i'm sorry). Lastly, at the top of the tree, way out of sight, is the new 15GB iPod Electron (or some other cool name that suggest it’s small size). Right now it's just a prototype, but just wait, because the iPod Electron is going to blow the socks off of the Nano.

DOLLAR TREE I$$UES

2006-10-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the local chain of discount "dollar stores"... you know the ones... The Dollar Store. The 99-Cent Store. 98-Cents Or Le$$. I'm just making up names here. But I'm sure there are ones with those exact names. Anyway, there's a chain here in Oregon called The Dollar Tree. I've never been. Actually, I've never been to any of the "dollar stores." I think I'm subconsiously scared of them, or something.

Issue #1.
I was a little T-O-ed to find out that The Dollar Tree sells items for MORE THAN A DOLLAR. What? Huh? That's bogus! They are still in whole dollar denominations, like $2, $3, $4, but that's BS. That's misleading. Everything should be a dollar. I'm told that some things are 2-for-$1 or 4-for-$1. That's fine. Less than a dollar is okay, but over a dollar is not. I think there is a law against that. Or at least there should be.

Issue #2.
If everything in The Dollar Tree is a denomination of a whole dollar, do they keep change in the cash register? Theoretically, they don't need any coins. Are the coin slots just kept empty? Do they make special register trays for "dollar stores" that don't include coin trays? What about the 99-cent stores--do they have absurdly large penny trays? If it is a regular cash register tray, are the tellers allowed to keep other things in those slots? Personally, I think they'd be perfect for candy. Great way to have a little snack in between breaks, you know. Like Skittles or MNM's. Or Neccos! Neccos even look kind of like coins! Or maybe even dog treats (not for the teller, but for a customers dog). The options seem endless.

I might have to ask my friend, Bryan, about these issues. He used to work at "The Tree." I might also ask if employees referred to it as "The Tree."

Cheap Labor Depot

2006-10-06T00:20:00.000-07:00

A few weekends ago, my sister and I went early in the morning to the Home Depot by the stadiums in downtown Seattle. There is only one entrance/exit, and it had tons of migrant worker guys hanging around in the parking lot. I’m not saying that I’m ignorant about the whole day laborer concept. I’m just saying I’ve never seen it so blatantly out in the open. Surprisingly, they don’t have day laborers at my Home Depots in Beaverton and Hillsboro.

Maybe the one in Seattle is like a Mega-Home Depot with a larger gardening section, premium lumber, and also... day laborers. It was just weird to see. It was 7am in downtown Seattle. More than sixty Hispanic guys. Standing around, eager—no, primed and ready—to jump in our car. They were waving and yelling and advertising themselves as we drove in.

One guy held up two fingers and yelled, “Dos!” Sorry buddy, we already got dos. Me and my sister, and all we’re doing is hanging rods in the closet. Maybe next time.

Hush 'Lil Jon, Don't Say a Word

2006-10-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

Can Lil Jon tell secrets? I imagine him leaning in closely, looking left and right to make sure no one is eavesdropping, then yelling "I'VE GOTTTT A SECCCREEEETTTTT. YEAHHHHHHHH!"

JINX!!!!!!!

2006-09-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

Tell me you don't beleive in superstition. Tell me you don't fear black cats, or walking under a ladder, or breaking a mirror, or appearing on the cover of a Madden NFL video game.

Shaun Alexander has a broken foot and will be out for a couple weeks.

Bad news for our northwest team. Good news for fellow Duck Maurice Morris. Or MoMo as his friends call him. Right Jones? Tell him that I say, "Sup?"

The Fishbowl of Righteousness

2006-09-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm not sure if righteousness is the correct word. Actually, I don't think righteousness is anywhere close to the word I'm searching for, but The Fishbowl of Righteousness just sounds so cool.

Okay, so here's what's up. I got this vase that kind of looks like a fishbowl. It's clear, spherelike, and hollow. That's pretty much the requirements for describing a fishbowl. But it's not a fishbowl, it's a vase! But it's one of those vases that you aren't supposed to put flowers in. Instead, they're always being displayed filled with things like potpourri, dried leaves, or colored rocks with sticks coming out the opening.

I think that's bullshit. And I'm taking interior decorating into my own hands. I'm bringing it back to "realness." No dried leaves. No potpourri. Just bottle caps.

That's right. Bottlecaps, what. Beer bottle caps! Let the collection begin! It might take a few years, it might take the help of friends, it might take a bunch of houseparties, but I vow that the The Fishbowl of Righteousness will overflow with beer bottlecaps.

THE RULES:
1. Only beer bottlecaps.
2. Only beer bottlecaps consumed in my house or apartment.
3. Upon entry into the fishbowl, the beer drinker must declare the words "The Fishbowl of Righteousness!"
4. A party will be held to celebrate the overflowednessousity of the fishbowl. The title of this party shall be known as "The Celebration of the Overflowednessousity of The Fishbowl of Righteousness." That sounds a little long; it's just a working title for now.

Business Trip Knowledge

2006-09-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

My co-worker/buddy Ben and I just got back from a four-day business trip in Phoenix and San Diego. Here are some notes from our trip:

I was in San Diego for three days, but I never put even a toe in the ocean. It wasn't because it was cold. It's just that I'm scared of sting rays, mate.

Rental car quote of the trip: I drive a Dodge Stratus. I'm a division manager. People respect me. (Guess what kind of rental car we had for two days?)

This is Ben. This is the Dodge Stratus.

The heat in Phoenix is unbearable. While visiting Arizona in the summer, every single time you walk out of a restaurant/bar/store/car/anything that has air conditioning, at least one person in your group will say "Damn it's hot." And it is.

The brunch at the hotel in Phoenix had this cool semi-suspended Belgian waffle maker contraption. The customer gets to pour in a small cup of batter, squeeze the lid down, flip the device, and set the timer that alerts you when the waffle is finished cooking. That being said, I had Frosted Flakes.

When placed in the same pocket of a backpack, an ipod, an ipod charger, a bunch of loose change, headphones, a digital camera, four granola bars, a couple of dvds, sunglasses, and a deck of cards dramatically resembles a bomb. At least that's what five Phoenix airport security officials determined after two minutes of examining it on the x-ray conveyor belt.

Hot girls from Burbank are stuck-up beeotches. This stereotyping statement is based upon one thirty-second interaction in a hotel elevator.

The Oregon Duck football team is losing players to injury at a rate of one player per quarter. At this rate, by mid-season Mike Belloti will be handing the ball off to the Donald the Duck mascot for the running plays. And we'll still beat the Huskies. Hi-oooooo. (Rimshot.)

"Animal Style" is way better than regular onions. And I have never been disappointed with In-N-Out's customer service. Always friendly, helpful, and hard-working. And they wear funny hats. I like that place.

Every time I see a dog missing a leg, I assume that his name is "Tripod." It's just my human nature to think that. But I've never seen a dog with two legs, or even just one. Is there a similar naming process in these circumstances? Bipod? Dipod? Unipod? Monopod? Pod?

Remember twelve years ago? When asked, you would list rollerblading as one of your hobbies. We all did! But today, I never see any rollerbladers. I had assumed they went extinct. Well, a few of them survived, and they live along the California boardwalks. They also wear headphones and sweat a lot.

The girl in the BMW with the California license plate "CUTIE 5" is accurately referring to her cuteness on a scale of one to ten.

Nick, who we met up with in San Diego, agrees that the correct pronunciation of the city of La Jolla should be "La Jawl-la," not "La Hoi-ya." Man Law!

Hotels should make all second-story hotel room balconies closer to the swimming pools that they overlook. Mine was pretty close, but just far enough to not jump--about six or eight feet. I think I could have made it.

Bob, the security checkpoint guy at the San Diego airport determined that my Nike running shoes do not have traces of chemicals used to make bombs. I told him that when he "randomly" picked me. I'm not sure if he believed me, but he had to swab them anyway--it was his job. I got searched at two of three airports this weekend. I'm starting to think I'm getting racially profiled.

I Am Not A Snake

2006-08-17T09:46:00.000-07:00

You've changed, change.

2006-08-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

What am I talking about today? I'm talking about Currency. Coinage. Money. Cash. Chips. Cabbage. Green. Tender. Notes. Dough.

Quarters
So I'm paying for some fast food at the drive thru window, and I notice two new state quarters that I hadn't seen! One from 2006, the other from 2005 (Nebraska and Kansas). Not only have I stopped noticing the new quarters, I have also stopped collecting them. And I assume that you have too.

Do you remember those chart-like booklets/posters made out of cardboard that we all got a couple years back? The know the one. Where you push in the quarter so you can display the unique side for everyone to see its collecting splendor. (Except that you keep it in your sock drawer or in the back of the hall closet where nobody can see it.)

Who would have guessed that three years later, we all got ADCD (Attention Deficit Collecting Disorder) and forgot all about the quarters. Did we even make it halfway through? I don't think so. It sucks that I quit before my home states got their quarters. (Sorry Cali and Oregon, I tried.) (No, I didn't.) Damn the western states for waiting so long to join the union. I blame Meriwether Clark and his frequent rest-stop bathroom breaks.

Dimes
I have nothing bad to say about you, dime. Some might comment on how small and thin you are, but size doesn't matter little buddy. Keep on doing your thing.

Nickels
I think it's a little odd that nickels are twice as big as dimes, but worth half the value. That's a little messed up in my opinion. Shouldn't the coins size reflect its value? Like the bigger it is, the more the coin is worth. So in size it should go Quarter-Dime-Nickel-Penny. Maybe back in 1776, the Chief Officer of Coinage read the work order wrong and switched up the casting sizes and then tried playing it off as that's the way Ben Franklin wanted it. "G.W., I agree with you. There should be an orderly system, but you know B-Frank, he's one zany dude. Let's just go with the way the molds are now."

Also, I have here three new-ish nickels and all three of them have a different picture of Jefferson on the front. WTF? Are we doing pictorials on our coins now? So here's the rundown. There's the normal one where T.J. is facing the left. (This is the Old School T.J. coin.) Then there's this new one where he's facing to the right. (I don't understand why? Is this his "good side?") And then there's another new one where he's staring straight into my soul! (Also it looks like somebody or something is lurking the the background! Look out T.J., it's a ghost! Oh no! Maybe if you weren't so fixated on me, then you wouldn't have gotten attacked by a ghost with your back turned.)

Pennies
I hate to say this, but you need to go. You have no use. You take up space. You don't match the color of the other coins. You're all up in my grill, and you need to step off, holmes. Step off. You're only real purpose is to help distinguish between the Dollar Tree Store and the 99-Cents Store. Even Walmart rolls back in larger incredments these days. Seriously, you don't even buy a gumball or anything. All the people who could tell me stories of what you used to buy are dead. It's not just me, the other coins are talking, too. Sacagawea's been talking trash behind you're back since she got on the scene. I'm sorry to say it George, but you need to go. You're still on the dollar though, and that should be a relevant denomination for at least another ten years. Before we switch to the Euro.

Sacagawea
Nobody uses you. Nobody likes you. There is no secure space for you in my wallet, and I don't want you jingling and jangling in my pocket. You're not socially accepted. I feel like you were a clever idea our government had after looking at coins from other countries. And I'm not buying it. You're a knock-off. The only things that dispense you are stamp machines, which are pushers for the government. I vow to do everything in my power to reject your use.

Oh, and I noticed your ploy of showing a baby on your face side. That's pretty low. What's next, a puppy on the tails side?

Silver Dollar and Two-Dollar Bill
Just saying "Hey." Sup, guys? Haven't seen you in a while. Man, we had some good times. Birthdays! Remember my birthdays. Cards from Grandparents and other family members. Good times, good times. Yes, I started getting more money as gifts as I got older, but I would have happily accepted ten $2 bills instead of a $20. When I get older, I'm totally giving you as gifts to the next generation. Payin' it forward.
Half Dollar
Let me break it down to ya. This isn't easy to say, because I like you, but it needs to be said. You need to lose weight. You're just too big. You look like a quarter, which is cool, quarters are all the rage. But you're obese. You're like Quarter's fatter, older brother.

You don't carry well. You clog up vending machines. You are too hard to flip when calling head or tails. You're like the coin version of Jared from Subway circa 1999. I tell you this because I like you. You still have time to win me over. I'm not writing you off like the penny and that cocky bitch, Saca. You have some worth, especially as inflation goes up and we eventually drop the penny and the nickel. (Sorry nickel, you're next.)

So Halfy, eat some six-inch subs, man. Walk instead of taking the bus. Get your face on a tv commercial. Shed those fat pants. Do these things. Seriously. You're so money and you don't even know it.

Who could hate Shaun White? Me.

2006-08-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

How good is it to be Shaun White right now? This kid is blowing up. He’s not even 20, and he’s at the top of his game. He’s bigger than Jack White, bigger than Barry White, bigger than Reggie White, and even bigger than E.B. White (Shout out to Templeton: What up, rat!). He has mad endorsements. I’ve recently seen him on two commercials: HP laptops and SportsCenter. He’s in video games. He has a clothing line. He has eight X Games metals and an Olympic Gold Metal (2006 Winter Halfpipe). He’s a hero, or at least a roll model, to today’s youth. And on top of all this, he seems like a genuinely nice and grounded kid.

So is it wrong for me to hate him? Why do I ask? Because I do.

I hate his hair. I hate his smile. I hate the way he spells his name Shaun and not Shawn or Sean. I hate his clothing line. I hate his myspace page. I hate when he rides switch (goofy if he’s snowboarding). I hate that he listens to music while he does halfpipe. I hate that he is trying to one-up Tony Hawk’s 900 by attempting a 1080 in competition. I don’t hate his voice, but I do hate his post-competition interviews. I hate his nickname “Flying Tomato,” but I hear that he hates the nickname too, so maybe I like it, not sure on that one yet. I hate that he probably doesn’t hate me. I hate his sponsors, unless they want to throw me some free gear. On second though, I do hate his voice.

Why do I hate Shaun White? I don’t know. I don’t think I can give you a definitive answer. Maybe because he is successful at such a young age. Maybe I’m jealous because I never made it big in extreme/alternative sports. Maybe because I think he looks weird. I remember when he was cute little kid. Now he has Olsen Twin Syndrome, where puberty kicks in and you aren’t that cute anymore (sorry Mary Kate, but it’s true). Right now, I might have a hard time picking him out of a police lineup with Carrot Top and Rocky, that guy from the Cher movie, Mask. Yes, that’s mean, but it’s true.

I guess I just feel that it’s wrong that he’s on top of the world. Shaun White can do no wrong. Everyone loves him. Think of the worst thing he could do, and he wouldn’t get in trouble. The worst thing ever. He could like, skate up to the Vatican, stab the Pope in the back with a pocketknife, do an ollie, skate away, and not get in trouble. He’d probably even get a new sponsor out of the event, like Leatherman or something. In fact, they’d probably name a trick after the whole thing. You’d see highlights on SportsCenter later that night: the “Backside No-Pope,” invented by Shaun White. Scott VanPelt says, “Shaun White, with powers comparable to Wonderboy!!!” and then Stu Scott throws in a “Boo-yah!”

I wonder if I’m the only one who feels this way. Maybe so. I might search to see if there is a anti-fan page, or a hate site or something. And Shaun, don't worry. I'm not crazy or a stalker, and I would never "Backside No-Pope" you. The whole blog was a little cathartic, and who knows how I'll feel about you in a few years (when you stop winning metals). And seriously, Burton, Birdhouse, MountainDew, Sony, Oakley, T-Mobile, if any of y’all want to send some gear my way, I might consider changing my beliefs and/or opinions on this blog subject and maybe other topics, too. The Giraffe can be bought.

Ghetto Big Mac

2006-07-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

How to cheaply assemble your own Ghetto Big Mac using items off the Dollar Menu. The Giraffe says, "Save some moneys!"

Vegas Twice in One Month?

2006-07-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

As much a I tell my friends (and myself) how much I should quit poker, it's hard to follow through when every once and a while I win a large poker tournament (okay Hellmuth, at least large in my eyes). Poker takes up time that I wish I could spend reading, drawing, hanging with buddies, working on advertising projects to further my career. There are only so many free hours in a day.

Poker is streaky, and during the months when I am not winning much, I feel that maybe this is a bad, time-consuming hobby. I made a lot of money my senior year in college, but haven't made very much comparitively in the two years since graduating. I've recently reevaluated my playing style, what types of games I play in, and things like that.

I realized that in college I would play more large tournaments (5+ hours online). Nowadays, with a job and other activities, I haven't had many 5+ hour stretches of time to set aside for poker. But I'm trying to play more to where my strengths are, and I feel my game is on the upswing.

JJ introduced me to a local bar's tournament (40 or so person tourny where 5 make the money). I've only been five times, but I have made the money every time (1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 5th).

So, right now I'm feeling good. But the big question is this... Do I hop on a plane and play in The $10,000 Main Event of the World Series of Poker, which starts Friday-Sunday? Or do I take the money and pay off every single ounce of credit card debt?

As much as I would like to go to Vegas, the responsible side of me chooses to pay off my debts.

The Honey Bucket Burgler

2006-07-17T00:52:00.000-07:00

Can I be honest? Good. I’m going to reveal a little secret, a personal pet peeve of mine. Something I’m not sure whether I should be proud of or ashamed of, but here it is. I hate buying toilet paper. Not the physical act of purchasing toilet paper, but that fact that I have to pay money for thin sheets of paper to wipe my ass.

Why do I hate buying it? Because it’s paper. It seems like I shouldn’t have to pay for it. Free paper is everywhere. Community newspapers on the street corner. Restaurant napkins. Junk mail. Parade confetti. All of this paper is free. I guess I’m just too overexposed to free paper.

I know that compared to the other items I buy at the grocery store, toilet paper isn’t that expensive. Like, oven pizza, a jug of milk, toothpaste--each of these things is probably more expensive than toilet paper.

But for some reason, I feel more inclined to steal toilet paper from work, a port-o-john, or a public restroom than pay for it at the store. And I have. Yes, I know. I am an adult, with a job. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. Mine is stealing toilet paper in times of need.

Here’s a realization: Maybe we’re not paying for the actual toilet paper; we’re paying for the process of wrapping it around the cardboard tube.

Hit me baby one more time

2006-07-06T00:48:00.000-07:00

Ashlee Simpson got rid of her parrot nose and all of a sudden, she has jumped from a solid "8" to a debatable "10." We can even argue that she has usurped Jessica as the hottest sister. If Ashlee was in the NBA draft, we would be discussing her "upside"--younger, sluttier, writes her own songs, doesn't lip sync...wait was that her or Jessica? I can't even tell them apart these days.

Okay, let's try to figure out which Simp this is here... Blonde hair... Exposed cleavage... Wait a sec! Hold on! Black fingernails! Okay, that's Ashlee.

I saw her new video "Invisible" where she plays the most convincing boxer to ever where full makeup, high heels, and hair extentions in the ring. (Watch out Swank, if lip syncing pop stars could win Oscars for music videos, you'd be neck and neck in a catfight.)

Ashlee is totally stealing Jessica's signature moves. Blonde hair. Bad dancing. Singing against a wall and turning her head away to do a "side-pose" kind of thing. I wonder if the Simps all had a family dinner, and dad broke the news that Ash is the new cash cow. But Jess can still do chores to earn money, like mow the lawn, reply to Ash's fan mail, and maybe back up dance on the tour.

I always liked Ashlee before, because if I was ever in a bar/club/los angeles, I'd have a better shot with her than Jessica. Like a .0001% chance rather than a .0000% chance with Jessica. I'd totally go up and be all "Hey, do I know you from somewhere? Jesuit High, Portland, Oregon? Class of 2000? No? Hmm, you look really familiar, though... anyways, why don't you buy me a beer, babe. And none of that domestic shit. Microbrew me."

So what I guess I'm saying is that the times are changing. Be ready Jessica. If I run into you, you might just be lucky a get approached by me. Maybe.

GrapeNuts and Bird Piss

2006-06-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

They might as well call GrapeNuts cereal PixieGold, or UnicornFarts or RainbowFruit. Because those words are just a descriptive of the cereal as are the words "grape" and "nuts."

I was very dissapointed by the lies that Post Cereal includes in the naming of its cereal. GrapeNuts tastes neither like grapes, nor nuts. I don't think grapes and nuts are even ingredients in the cereal, which is total BS. A proper description of GrapeNuts cereal is this--CrunchySawdust. Taste and texture. CunchySawdust. I heard that is was the healthiest cereal, and now I know why. Because there isn't much fat, sugar, or any other "bad things" in sawdust.

Hey! Here's an idea! What if there was a cereal like Lucky Charms except instead of sugar marshmallow shapes it was different colors and flavors of jello jigglers? That would be awesome. And we could call it Jigglers. But we would have no affiliating with Jiggles Exotic Dancing in Wilsonville, or any strip club named Jiggles for that matter. It's a children's cereal, come on now. But wouldn't that be a fun cereal? Little jello cubes!

Do birds pee? I thought about this after a bird shit on my windshield. I've many times had birds shit on my car. But I've never seen a bird pee on cars.

I've seen a bird shit on a person while we were all standing outside for a fire drill in high school. I've killed two birds with the throw of a single rock, true story. But I've never seen a bird pee.

Spiders

2006-06-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

I hate them. I want to kill the little bastards. Two legs, good. Four legs, good. Eight legs, bad. I don't think I've ever met something with eight legs that I've liked. It just seems unnatural. And they are vengeful mofos, you just wait and see. Piss off a spider and you're in for it.

Can I admit something to you? I'm a little bit afraid of spiders. I can handle most of them. I'll naturally stomp or squish with the best of them, but there's a point where that confidence and hunting instinct turns to fear. And that point is when the body of the spider gets to the size of a nickel, not the whole spider with legs, we're just talking the body. That's when those things, at least in my instinctual mind, turn from insects into animals.

And then they fight back. Spiders have big spider teeth that leave bites that bleed, that bleed badly. And they can climb up walks and jump like little ninjas. And I'm scared of little spider ninjas. At that point, maybe the spider and I can come to an agreement and share the apartment. But I will not do its dishes. Or laundry.

I don't like killing a spider that crunches when I squish it. Not the best feeling. You can kind feel and hear it at the same time, a weird mix of the senses. Not pleasant. Also, what about the sprinting spider that runs from the kleenex of death. And when you do kill him, he leaves a huge smear mark of guts and green spider blood. What a little f*cker. Now I have to clean the wall, you little bastard. Told you they were vengeful.

And you want to know what is the worst? When a spider is just chillin' on the wall, and you go to squish it with toilet paper, and just as you're about to get the bastard, he jumps. He supermans off the wall and falls behind the dresser in your bedroom. Shit. Now you have to worry about spider revenge. That's like doing a driveby and missing. Now you have a pissed off wall crawler in your bedroom. And he knows you tried to kill him. Now you have to worry about him rapelling down from the ceiling onto your bed at night. You'll wake up with you legs looking like chicken pox from all the spider bites you'll receive while you sleep. Damn spider vengence.

And what about the people with those spider vacuums. (Tangent: "Vacuum" is such a weird word. I misspell it almost every time. Doesn't it seem like it should be spelled "vaccum?") Spider vacuums--what is up with these? You're so afraid of spiders, that you're willing to drop eighty bucks on a hand-vac with a spider tray. I imagine the spider vengence in this situation is pretty high. Like if the vacuum doesn't kill them, they just live in the vacuum bag, waiting until you go do dump them in the garbage. But all the spiders in there have devised a plan. They've been waiting for the bag to open, and now they all jump at your face and bite your eyes. Or what if you get a nickel-body spider and he plugs up the vacuum hose because he's so big. And he's staring at you, like "you're so dead if I get out of this hose." That's why I don't have a spider-vac. I don't want to piss off the nickel-spiders.

The movie Arachnaphobia sacred me as a child.

Remove the Lens Cap

2006-06-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I drove up to Tacoma for a wedding, and to Seattle to help my sister move back from college for the summer. Over the next few days, I’ll post some quick hits/random thoughts from the weekend:

What qualifies you to be a wedding photographer? From what I can discern, it doesn’t take much. You must wear your hair in a long ponytail. You must wear your sunglasses on top of your head while inside the church. You must wear sandals. You must hire your semi-hot girlfriend/wife as your assistant (who knows if she’s getting paid for this?).

(Sidenote: I thought she was pretty good looking. Dark hair, black shirt, tight black pants. One of those really tiny, but extremely sparkly nose ring stud-things. That lets you know she gets down.) Back to photographer requirements...

You must wear a very large hip bag/fanny pack with what I assume is extra film, batteries, and business cards (that’s called networking, bitches). You must squat/lay/kneel in the church aisle while taking pictures from every angle imaginable. No standing and snapping photos allowed.

So I think that’s it. Let’s review:
ponytail
sunglasses in hair
sandals
girlfriend assistant who is a “7” or an “8,” nosering recommended
fanny pack
squat and shoot
Now you are a professional wedding photographer.

If you follow these guidelines, I am pretty sure that you will get tons of work. Don't worry; people won’t request to see your previous work, because look at you, you are clearly an experienced wedding photographer.

Oh, Mitch

2006-06-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

Ninja News

2006-05-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

First, let me state that I have been hot on ninjas for a long time now. Years even. Like middle school when my friend Michael Yasumoto brought me back a throwing star from Japan. Yeah Japan! Can't get much more authentic with a last name than Yasumoto. And he even owned authentic swords, granted they weren't Hatori Hanso swords, but still. And I can sing you the Sifl and Olly "Ninja of the Night" song from 1998. That stated, I'm not following the "Ninja Trend" which is booming since the recent decline of the "Pirate Trend." Remember 2007--MotorTricycles! They're going to hit on the radar right as "Ninja Trend" falls.

Anyways, that stated, I want to share these funny videos. I feel like Nate Jolly posting these YouTube links. I'll post in order, but they get progressively funnier. Enjoy:

Ask A Ninja
DoogToons

Dust in the Wind

2006-05-15T22:53:00.000-07:00

I have a serious announcement to make. Um, I don’t know how to put this, so I’m just going to say it.

I sold Blue. You know, the giant 60” Mitsubishi tv I bought from Nate and Peter. I have no clue how old it was. Ten years maybe? I think I might have been the fifth owner. All I know is that he was named after the old guy in Old School. “You’re my boy, Blue!”

I know, I know. How could I have sold a family member? I mean, it even had a name. Let me explain myself. I felt I needed to play moneyball. You know, sell while the stock is still good, and then rebuild with new players.

I felt that Blue was going to die in the next year. There were signs. Little signs. Little tint quirks every now and then between reddish and blueish. Yellow banding on the right side of the screen on the s-video input. It was small, but I could see it. The remote that requires tape to hold the batteries in.

And not to mention how huge it was! I moved it from Eugene to Beaverton to North Portland to Northwest Portland to the NW Hills in Portland. That’s four moves in two years. I was not moving it again. It took four guys, and stairs were a bitch.

(( Oh, also I’m moving back to NW Portland this weekend. That’s the reason I decided to sell Blue. I’m moving into a one bedroom near NW 23^rd. I will be able to walk or ride a bike to work. Cut down on the commute. Save some gas. I'm excited! ))

Back to the story. So two years ago, I bought Blue from Nate and Peter for $500, and this week, I sold it on craigslist for $400. Within an hour. And by noon, I had 13 offers of varying degrees (anywhere from $400 cash that night to $350 but I had to deliver it to $200 and a used blue ipod mini). I think I could have sold it for $500 if I had reposted it, but I was fine with $400. That means I payed $100 to use it for two years. And the guy who picked it up had a pickup truck and was like an NFL linebacker, which made it easier when carrying it up the stairs.

Now here’s the shocking news. I already bought a new tv. Yeah, I know it was soon, but this particular tv and I had a connection. And it was on sale. Don’t judge me. And, oh yes, it’s hi-def. (I feel like I broke up with a long-term relationship and eloped with a stripper.) Well just in case you were wondering, it’s name is Sammy, the 46” Samsung DLP widescreen tv. And we’re happy together.

Do the Dew

2006-04-21T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if the Easter Bunny reads my blog, but he (or she) heard my calls. I am happy to report that I did not receive Peeps! Or for that matter, one Peep! I got the standard Easter basket contents: Cadbury egg, egg-shaped gum, a giant hollow chocolate bunny, robin's eggs... But one odd thing I also received in my easter basket was this:

Axe "Recovery" Shower Gel. Not sure if the Easter Bunny thinks I need to control my B.O., but it was a nice gesture whatever the intention. What I found interesting was the particular scent of "Recovery" Axe Gel.

It smells exactly like Mountain Dew! Seriously, it does. It actually even LOOKS like a gel Mountain Dew hybrid. I checked the back to look to see if Dew was a direct ingredient, but no luck. The coloring chemicals in Axe are Green 3 and Yellow 5... was that the "Yellow" all of us middle school boys feared? Maybe it was Yellow 4? Anyways...

Axe's advertising has always been the "sex sells" strategy. You remember, "THE AXE EFFECT"--the whole "Call me Bonnie--Axe isn't responsible for your girlfriend's friends, girlfriend's mom, girlfriend's mom's friends, or any other combination of the words girl, mom, and/or friend..." thing. Axe is the spray-on hot chick magnet, blah blah blah. So this gets me thinking--
What is up with this Mountain Dew Smell?

Look at this image. Step 1: Shower. Step 2: Hot chicks. Plural. Two. Two hot chicks. It's that simple fellas.

Have hot chicks liked this Mountain Dew smell all these years, and nobody knew? Maybe a select few dudes did know, but they held onto this insider info for as long as possible? Should I stop ordering Jack and Cokes at the bars? Should I switch to Jack and Dew? Maybe the female readers of this blog (if there are any?) can help us out? Please explain this primal scent attraction to The Dew? And is it ALL women, or just HOT CHICKS?

Radioactive Bunnies

2006-04-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

Easter is coming up, and I have a statement to make. Ah hem. Ah hem.

I hate Peeps. Neon marshmallow animals are nasty.

Crystal Ball

2006-04-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone else is interested in futures bets, but the Oregon Ducks are blowing up at 80-1 odds to win the 2007 BCS Championship. That means that my $6 online sportsbook bet could net me a cool $480 come January.

I also have 15-1 odds on Elliott Yamin to win American Idol, although I hedged it with a 5-2 bet on Katharine McPhee.

Just FYI.

True Giraffe Stories: Fish Punching

2006-03-23T01:09:00.000-08:00

(No fish were harmed in the typing of this blog story.)

I remembered another story from BITD and thought I should write about it before it too is lost forever. This story involves two sports/activities in which I have very little experience. Snorkeling and Boxing. But my lack of experience did not prevent me from entertaining myself by combining the two into an obscure and seldom-performed sport: Fish Punching.

It’s a pretty simple story, actually. During the summer of senior year in high school, my family vacationed in Hawaii for two weeks. We went with our old neighbors, who have a son my age. He and I did typical Hawaii vacation things--hike, kayak, bike ride, beach, pool, and snorkel.

Now snorkeling is kinda cool. It’s not that cool. I mean, it doesn’t suck, but it gets old after a while. Especially when you have a crappy rental mask that leaks or fogs up and a snorkel that likes to force you to swallow saltwater. A week later I went SCUBA diving, which is way better. Anyways, back to fish punching.

The coolest thing I learned about snorkeling was that fish like bread. They love the stuff. It’s like underwater crack or something. We took a loaf of bread from the kitchen, ditched the twist-tie, and took the bag into the ocean with us. We were in eight feet of semi calm water, twenty feet from the shore, and no fish were around. It was kind of a bummer, until we got out the bread. We kept it in the bag and took out one slice at a time to prevent the fish from stealing the whole loaf at once. (And be warned, they will, the bastards.)

While underwater, we crumbled the slice into little flecks and within ten seconds, fifty fish were swimming all over us to get the flecks. The fish came from nowhere. (I think this is why fish tank food is in flecks as well, rather than balls or donut-shaped. Something about the flecks.) Now understand that here I am, feeding the fish. Breaking bread with the fish, if you will. And three or four fish start pecking at my hand/the bag of bread. And they wouldn’t go away. I compare this situation to the velociraptor scenes in Jurassic Park. They look prehistoric, but they’re smart and they work in teams. The fish knew where the bread was stored and were determined to get it.

So maybe I panicked, maybe I got a little water down my snorkel. Whatever the reason, I punched a medium-sized fish that was trying to get the bag. He kinda flinched, shook it off, and went back at the bag. And that’s where fish punching began--that brave, determined fish. I then tried punching the fish that were going after the bread flecks. It wasn’t necessarily hard to hit a fish, because it was like a school of fifty was swimming in my face when the flecks were flying, but one-on-one, mono-a-mono, the fish can dodge a jab. Maybe they can sense it coming, or feel it in the water, but the buggers are quick.

Now I haven’t mentioned my friend/old neighbor’s name in this story because I don’t want to unrightfully incriminate him for something he did not do. I honestly cannot remember if he did or did not punch a fish. I did. I punched a couple of them. I don’t even know if it’s illegal, but I did it. And it was a long time ago. I feel I’ve matured since then. I haven’t done it since. And you might argue that I haven’t had the opportunity, but I have. I was on vacation in Mexico two years later with the same families, and did not punch one fish.

I now wonder what would have happened if we ventured into deeper water and used larger foods, like a sheet cake or pizza. Like would dolphins come out of nowhere and swim with us? I’m not saying I want to punch a dolphin. I’m just saying it’d be cool to swim with dolphins. But be warned dolphins--Do not try to steal the pizza out of the bag!

Microwave vs Oven: Round One

2006-03-14T23:53:00.000-08:00

A couple nights back, I was preparing to cook dinner, and before cooking, I double checked the directions. I then noticed that the recipe had two available options for cooking: Microwave AND Conventional Oven, and I thought this was weird because who in their right mind WOULDN'T microwave a Hot Pocket???

And then I studied these alternate cooking instructions even deeper. Not only would I have to wait for the oven to preheat, but the cooking time was thirty minutes! 30!!!

Everyone has a microwave. Who wouldn't just zap it for two minutes? Why would someone spend an extra forty minutes to cook a Hot Pocket. That's almost like really cooking. There must be some superior result in using an oven. So I set out to find the answer. A taste test. A comparison like no other:

MICROWAVE:

versus

OVEN:

Actually, it turns out that the Oven Hot Pocket tastes much better.
Oven positives: Evenly heated. Crisp exterior. Completely melted cheese.

But was the taste worth all the extra time???

No. The winner is Microwave Hot Pocket.
Microwave positives: Two minutes. Can't burn it, because the microwave turns off and beeps when it's done. Easier clean-up. Just throw away that little pouch thing.

Just after Joey and a little bit before Kellen

2006-03-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

He lives. And he plays. And he starts. Check out NBC and OLN this Spring to see the quarterback for the AFL's Las Vegas Gladiators.

Fife-Dogg

Shots and Tots

2006-02-21T22:40:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was Drew’s birthday. Zorgo turned 24! So us guys met up at The Blue Moon, a McMenamin’s establishment on NW 21st to celebrate. The night consisted of our standard joking, BSing, trying to get ladies phone numbers, and eating some fabulous food.

I got there a little late, so while I was eating my food, Lighthouse was ordering some drinks for he and Drew. I had my “usual” at McMenamin’s— cheeseburger with a side of tator tots. As I was eating my “tots,” John ordered some “shots.” And my mind went to work: "Hey, these words rhyme. Both are being consumed here at this table. Maybe these two items should be introduced to each other." And that is how I invented the newest and coolest bar drink:

SHOTS & TOTS!!!

Left hand: Shot of your favorite liquor.
Right hand: Shot glass with a single tator tot, dipped in a small amount of a condiment.

Step One: Pound the shot.
Step Two: Pound the tot.
(Step Three: Chew. Do not attempt to swallow the tot whole.)

Advantages:
1. The tot makes an awesome chaser. It’s a potato, a starch, which absorbs the bad taste.
2. It a fun group event at the bar.
3. It fun to order. Try explaining it to the waiter.
4. It attracts attention. You can talk to all the people at the tables around you about this awesome drink that your friend, Giraffe, invented.

The combinations are endless. We started with a Nate Jolly Special: Jagermeister and a tot in ketchup. Then we moved to a Tim Messa Surprise: Whiskey and a tot in ranch. Y’all need to try this at your local pub and start naming some new combinations.

This is gonna be big.

0 in 4 is a Winner!!!

2006-02-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

While strolling down the refridgerator (beer) isle at Fred Meyer, I viewed a rookie item hanging with the big boys. New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. You might remember my post from last year commenting on the discontinuation of Vanilla Coke.

Well New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke has arrived, and I was forced to try it. I have to say, it's not that bad. It's actually kinda good. You have to understand that I have always liked Cherry Coke. It is Coke with a sugary-sweet, syrupy cherry aftertaste that is amazing. And I liked Vanilla Coke for it's smooth entrytaste and its slight "bite." So I didn't know what to expect when these two tastes combine.

My initial reaction was that this new Coke tasted okay, but not great. The flavor was a consistant solid flavor from beginning to end. It lacked the great aftertastes that I liked from the others--the sweet cherry taste that lasted and the smooth bite of vanilla. Unlike Captain Planet, their individual powers did not combine to make a greater flavor.

Now understand that I've only had one bottle. Maybe I'll be converted, and I'll later sing the praises of this drink from the highest hills in Oregon. Maybe not.

Three observations:

1. I think that "Black Cherry Vanilla Coke" is too long of a title. Especially when you throw in a "Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke" in the mix. Or what about "Black Cherry Vanilla Coke Zero." Or "Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke with Lemon." Even "Coca-Cola" got shortened to "Coke." Maybe they'll shorten it to BCV Coke. Or BCVC. Or DBVCw/L. Who knows.

2. Where is the contest? This is bullshit. When they introduce a new flavor, there should be one of those "1 in 4 wins a 1-Liter" contests. Even though I don't want a 1-Liter, I still want the satisfaction of winning every now and then. And the contest gives me slight justification for buying a pop that I don't need.

3. Lastly, I don't understand Coke's math. Cherry Coke + Vanilla Coke = Black Cherry Vanilla Coke? WTF is the "Black" cherry? Where did that come from? Why do they have to get all racial over a drink? It's just a f-ing drink. All I can guess is that they're trying to increase Coke's street cred.

True Giraffe Stories: Snoop-a-Loop

2006-02-09T00:08:00.000-08:00

My life is so colorful, so full of exciting tales and adventurous stories, that I often forget some of these events. Today, I had a flashback. I remembered a crazy night from college. I thought I'd share it with you and also forever document it into the internet.

This crazy night took place near the end of my freshman year of college. Be warned—this story does not involve nudity or promiscuousness, but it does involve underage drinking, Mini Snoop Doggy Dog, getting kicked out of three house parties, and two handguns.

This story begins at the U of O Delta Tau Delta (DTD) fraternity house on a Friday night, February 2001. My friend and dorm neighbor, Tyler, belongs to this frat. Think of Tyler as Fred Durst’s beefy twin brother, except with way too many visible tattoos—arms, shoulders, flaming monk on one calf muscle, giant spider on the other. So I’m with Tyler and a couple of his DTD brothers shooting pool, drinking, talking about chicks—what every college freshman does.

Tyler’s DTD brothers are a seedy bunch. Now, I partially associate this with the fact that they occasionally do drugs. And I don’t, never have. Maybe they just smoked pot, maybe more, I don’t know. But the reason I tell you that they did drugs is because I need to explain how we met this next group of fellas.

El (short for Elliot) was a middle school advisor. He helped 6th to 8th graders not only with school problems, but with family and social problems, too. He seemed like a cool guy. Relaxed clothing, dreadlocks. He was in his thirties, but that’s okay. He was a smooth speaker. Got along with everyone. Told stories. Told jokes. He was the social leader of his group of friends. Seemed like a good guy.

He brought two friends with him. One was a tall guy, Ben Wallace-ish, but no ‘fro. I don’t remember much about him. Maybe because I drank too much that night, and he didn’t do anything memorable enough to stick out. The second friend looked EXACTLY like Snoop Dogg, if Snoop Dogg was four-foot-eleven and resided in Eugene. Both were pretty much quiet, but chimed in during laughing and giving someone shit.

Let me just say that these three guys were black and looked borderline normal-borderline thuggish, like they could “turn it on” if they wanted too. I am not racist. I am just explaining a visual observation. We were judged multiple times that night. We crashed a lot of predominantly white, preppy, Eugene parties.

So now you ask, “How did these DTD guys know El and his crew?” Oh, I didn’t mention? El was a drug dealer, and sold pot to these guys. That’s right, advisor to your youngest child by day, selling pot to your oldest child at night. This guy was one heck of a role model.

So we decide to go to some house party up in the hills. We don’t know anyone there, but heard of it though a friend of a friend… We a rolling in one of the DTD’s black BMW sedan, and El’s old school VW van. Cause that’s how WE roll. We finally find this place. Looks small from the street. Looks too quiet to be the bumping party it was hyped to be.

The note on the door reads “Party is downstairs. Come on in, unless you’re the cops.” Alright. Nice. This is the place. Now this house was built on some kind of a vortex on a hill, because it looked like a peaceful 500 sq ft house on the street level, but led into a 1500 sq ft party basement, with a full bar. I mean 360 degree bar. There were more than 100 people. Music turned up loud. Good times. I ran into an architecture friend, Andres, and also Jones. I don’t know what I said, but I remember thinking that I made a fool of myself. I remember Andres motioning the “he’s been drinking” hand signal to Jones.

(Sidenote—earlier on this Friday, I went off on a verbal tirade to these student representatives of this summer “internship” company that had set up shop in the atrium in the EMU. Their “internship” was a semi-pyramid scheme/cult involving selling educational teaching books door-to-door in a city across the country. Also, it’s paid on commission. They wind you in their web, and I’m glad I didn’t get sucked in. Long story short, guess who was hosting this party? One of the two people at the cult that I bitched out, of course.)

So the party is going along fine. People are dancing, drinking, socializing. So Mini-Snoop starts impressing the ladies with his dancing skills. So he’s doing the “Crip Walk” (A dance that you shouldn’t try, Nate. I know you saw them doing it on BET, but seriously, don’t.) And while he’s crip walking, not one, but BOTH of Mini-Snoop’s handguns fall out of his track-jacket pockets!!! (Note—I do not, nor did I at the time, believe these concealed weapons to be registered. They were most likely being carried illegally.)

We left the party. (Got kicked out.)

So where to next? Another friend of a friend’s party. Let’s roll. We hopped in the pimpmobiles and we were off.

Of the next two parties we got kicked out of, I really only remember one of them. It was a snazzy appletini cocktail party, maybe 20 people. Maybe. And we roll in. Fred Durst. Mini-Snoop. Dreadlocks. Ben Wallace. And three or four white guys (me and the other DTDs). One of the DTDs knows ONE of the preppy people.

Now some of these people looked scared of us. We did not fit in. We left the party shortly. (Got kicked out.)

So now it’s been three parties we’ve gotten kicked out, only one for gun possession, although he still concealed the guns the whole night. Three and out, what are we to do at 1am on a Friday night? Beer run at Safeway!!! How logical. We roll. Now the only people of legal age are El, Snoop, and Ben Wallace, so they’ll have to buy.

Progressively through the night, my judgment returned slowly:

“Where are we going with these sketchy white guys AND sketchy black guys?...”
“Oh shit, that’s a gun! What should I do? If I leave, how will I get home? Well, at least it didn’t go off when he dropped the gun, or the other gun…”
“Hmm, we keep getting kicked out of parties. And I NEVER get kicked out of parties. I wonder why tonight is so different…”
“How sober is the guy driving this old VW van? And when the buckle doesn’t work, does wrapping around and sitting on the belt really work…”
“I need to get out of this car and away from these sketchy guys before we all get arrested! NOW!”

So when we stopped at Safeway, I waited for El’s crew to go inside, and then I made up some “tired” or “too drunk” excuse. They offered to drop me off, but I didn’t even respond. I just walked out of the parking lot, at least a mile, to get home. What a sobering walk…

So… Lessons learned?
1. Stop hanging out with Delta Tau Delta brothers, even if they are Tyler’s friends.
2. Stop hanging out with dreadlocked drug dealers, even if they are nice and their friends are miniaturized versions of famous rappers and basketball players.
3. Don’t drink and drive or be a passenger in a similar situation.
4. Don’t drop your gun while crip walking, or any other dance for that matter.
5. When your child is in school, pay for private therapy; do not use the school’s counselor.

Componé Mi Coche

2006-02-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here, getting ready to go out for a drink, and I'm flipping channels. I come to a show on CMT, called "Trick My Truck." It's literally Pimp My Ride for Semis...or in the auto fabrication world "4 Semiz." The first show's truck had a propane bbq, a queen pillowtop bed (for the guy and his wife), and fireplace. This second truck (for a retired marine) has an eagles and ripped waving flag paint job, neon underneath, a boot knife stick shift, and a webcam. I don't know how I feel about shows stealing another shows premise (ie Meet Your New Mommy on Fox). But if this trend continues, soon we'll se on the Spike Channel: "Bling My Bus," on the Lifetime Network: "Makeover My Minivan," and on Univision: "Componé Mi Coche."

Did I mention that while I wait to go out and get a drink, that I'm drinking a beer. It's been a long week. I couldn't wait.

Coming soon to the Giraffe blog... True Giraffe Stories. I was watching the special episode of Chappelle dedicated to Charlie Murphy True Hollywood Stories and thought I need to document what happens to me before I lose my memory. My stories don't involve Rick James or Prince, but I will try to make them entertaining, at the least. First up will be the time I hung with gun-toting, drug-dealing Snoop look-alike.

A Declaration

2006-01-16T12:32:00.000-08:00

Today is a holiday, and I want to make a declaration. Just get something off my chest. I’m just going to put it out there.

There is only one good type of peanut butter and it is CHUNKY.
If you like creamy, then you suck. There is no good reason for creamy to exist.

Here are some excuses that Creamy supports might try to argue with, but don’t be fooled. These are not valid reasons for Creamy.

* I’m using it for baking
* I recently had my wisdom teeth removed
* I’m an old person, with dentures, and I can’t chew those crunchy little peanuts

Note that these aren't reasons, these are excuses. And it sounds like a bunch of bull to me.

For those of you believers out there, I want to not only show support for the Chunky community, but also lead you down another path. Yes, some say it’s a little too radical, too extremist, too controversial, but I’ve been doing it for years, and I’m doing just fine.

There's a whole world out there you have yet to experience, but don't worry. I'm here to open the door. These four words will probably change your life:

EXTRA CRUNCHY SUPER CHUNK

Resume Attached

2006-01-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

Most of you know that I am currently unemployed and looking for work. After spending hundreds of hours of the past few months watching DVDs, I’ve found a new calling. I recently sent out a resume. Here is a copy of the cover letter.

Dear Dan Glickman,
President and CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA):

We have never met, but I am writing you today to express my great interest in working for your organization. In this cover letter I want to call attention to some unique characteristics that I believe immediately qualify me for hire at the MPAA.

I have included two lists of references on my resume. The first list is of the standard style, including former teachers, coworkers and employers who will say nothing but praise about my work ethic. The second list contains friends and internet forum buddies with similar tastes in movies. I have included this second list because people say that I can rate movies with extreme accuracy—G, PG, PG-13, parents strongly cautioned, everything. No joke! Just yesterday I was commenting to my brother that the movie Kill Bill Volume 1 should probably be rated R. He checked the box, and it WAS rated R. Incidents like this have led me to apply for a position on the Ratings Board of the MPAA.

I believe that I am very qualified for the job of sitting in a private air-conditioned theater, watching a movie, and then discussing what rating it deserves with colleagues possessing similar skills. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am very good at identifying the reasons for a movie’s particular rating. I am skilled in identifying swear words, violence, drug use, and nudity to name a few. Especially nudity. I was just joking about that last one. But seriously, I can identify nudity. And WILL identify nudity, when rating movies for your organization.

When you scan my resume, you might notice my lack of work experience in the movie industry. While most of my previous work experience is in the advertising and electronic production fields, I do have experience relevant to the MPAA. You might also notice the gap in employment during the second half of 2005. To the naked eye, this might seem like a hindrance in hiring me, but I assure you I have used this time to practice my rating skills. For the past couple of months, I haven't considered myself unimployed. I have considered myself Movie-Watching Enabled.

Attached to this cover letter, I have included the lists of movies I’ve rented using my Three-At-A-Time Blockbuster Online subscription. As you see this includes the 103 movies I’ve rented online and the 29 I’ve rented at actual Blockbuster stores. I want to clarify that these are only the movies I’ve rented THIS YEAR, and those figures do not account for movies seen at the theater or DVDs borrowed from family and friends. This intensive movie-watching regiment has helped sharpen and polish my rating assigning skills ten-fold.

Lastly, let me say, that I personally think that your 1994 decision to split the Parental Guidance category into PG and PG-13 subcategories was a great move. I believe that this amplified revision of the ratings system has helped parents and legal guardians make better decisions in choosing acceptable movies for their children. Many friends and acquaintances of mine doubted the decision at the time, but I strongly lobbied for the PG split. When hired to serve on your Ratings Board, I want to speak with you about another PG split. I believe that here in 2006 we need to subcategorize again to PG, PG-11, and PG-14, but that’s a discussion for another time.

In conclusion, thank you for reading my resume, and I hope to speak with you soon. You can always find my contact information at my newly revised website MattGiraffe.com (a mirror of MattGraff.com).

"You know what this is?...

2005-12-31T17:20:00.000-08:00

It’s a celebration BITCHES!!!!”
(“Celebration” is a seasonal beer we all drank a lot of, plus it’s a Kayne lyric, and we all know how much I love Kanye. He’s my boy.)

Okay so, Pedro blogged about International Get Jolly Kicked Off His Flight Day, but I thought I’d put in my two cents and a few key memories. First of all, to explain, this was a reunion of sorts--five college friends who haven’t all seen each other in a year and a half. Well that’s only half-true. Some have seen others since graduation, but the gist of it is that we were all meeting up for a late lunch and tons of drinking--enough to try to get the airline to ban Nate from getting on his flight. And I should mention that this was on Tuesday Dec. 27th, starting at 2pm. I think it officially ended at midnight. But on a Tuesday, in the afternoon? Yep, that's just how we roll.

First of all here’s a picture of us all drinking at two in the afternoon.
From left to right:
Jeff aka Smitty aka Hakuna Matata.
Andy aka Holland aka A-Hole.
Matt aka M Grizzle aka Giraffe.
Nate aka Jollymon aka The Rancher.
Peter aka Pedro aka SanFran Sports Man.

Jeff Smith Shining Moment of the Night #1:
After a failed attempt to get our waiter’s attention, we decided to try to yell out his name. Not knowing his name, we all put in our guesses. I think Nate said his name would be Brian, I voted for Ken, but it was Jeff who correctly guessed Steve. His was so confident in his guess that he just yelled out “Hey Steve” and the waiter turned and gave us a surprising look, for his name WAS Steve. Bravo Jeff. (Steve in the orange shirt.)

Jeff Smith Shining Moment of the Night #2:
After hearing the Andy Holland “Tiff(any Amber) Theisen Story” Jeff decided why not try to look up her number by calling 411, or information, or whatever in Los Angeles. Andy had Miss Kelly Kapowski’s old cell number, but I guess she changed it recently (without calling Andy). Jeff could only get a listing for “S. Theisen,” decided that was close enough to T.A. Theisen, and left a message telling “Sarah” to tell “Tiff” to call Andy on his new Seattle cell phone number. Bravo, again, Jeff. Bravo.

Gotta love the random people you meet at a bar.
This is Frank aka Frank the Tank. A random old dude who hopped into a picture, chatted with us for an hour or two, played some competitive darts, and had a grand old time. Jolly gave him his business card from D.C. Frank and his wife are going to be visiting the nation's capital soon and might spend a night or two on Nate's couch. Or at least go out for a beer. Nate, let us know how that turns out.

Random people, part two.
This is Susan aka Suze. She is also a UO Alum, just like the five of us. She fancied Peter, although she thought he was a little young. Peter fancied her although he thought she was a little too much like his Aunt. Despite their differences, Peter got a hickey. (First Suze with Nate, then with Pedro.)

Theivery.
Later in the night, we ran into Kristin, a friend of Peter's, who was with a bachelorette party. Well of course we went with them when they left Kells to go to Ringlers. But I was unaware that Peter was holding a pint glass as we left. I’m not sure he remembered stealing it either; he was a little bit intoxicated. Long story short, I now own a Kell’s pint glass.

More pics of the night:

Saturday Night Lame

2005-12-21T11:28:00.000-08:00

So, Jolly posted a clip from SNL on his blog, and I was going to make a quick reply, but it got too long. So I am making in a blog post here.

Is anybody else a little disappointed with newer SNL cast members? I loved watching the show in recent years, but a couple things make me not that worried when I miss an episode.

I hate the guest hosts reading from the cue card. Especially the famous actors. You demand $10 million per film, but you can remember your lines for a four minute sketch?

The show gets less and less funny every year. The funny male cast members have left the show, and the male cast has always dominated the comedy of the show. Since Sandler, Spade, Ferrell, Fallon, Meadows, Morgan and Kattan have left, there isn't a strong cast to hold it up. Fred Armisen, Will Forte, Chris Parnell and Seth Myers are the main cast in my opinion, but none of them has that demanding feature about them. I think Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler are good, but not great. Horatio Sanz is lost without Jimmy Fallon (Gobi without Jarret). And if Darrell Hammond leaves, then they lose they're only veteran with real talent (record-setting 11 SNL seasons).

I feel that this Andy Samberg guy was brought in to be the next Sandler--being kookie, a little aloof, singing songs. Bill Hader is brought on to do impressions and be the next Fallon. Hader nailed an Al Pacino voice in an early episode this season, but looked nothing, NOTHING like him. (Speaking of Fallon, on his "Best of Fallon" SNL dvd, there is a 5 minute montage of his best impressions. Truly amazing how many voices/personalities he can do. Robin Williams, Chris Rock, Seinfeld, Sandler, Gilbert Gottfried, many others, not to mention singing like other people.)

I think they only keep around Finese Michell to do impressions of Denzel and Donovon McNabb. And only keep around Keenan Michell to do impressions of Donovon McNabb's Mom and Bill Cosby (wait, he can't do Cosby anymore since he did that Fat Albert movie). Ratchel Dratch just plain isn't funny.

Back with a Vengeance

2005-12-12T22:44:00.000-08:00

Three topics for you today.

Rhymefest
First is an advance warning on a cd that doesn’t come out until March. The rappers name is Rhymefest. He’s friends with Kanye. I downloaded his single off of iTunes called “Brand New.” Listen to it. It’s similar to Kanye’s style. Sampled, light (not aggressive rap), clever rhymes:

Now some women hit the mall and some shop at the thrift store
Some of 'em mix and match and make it look like they get more
Some of y'all know you wear a sixteen - squeezin' into a six
Damn - what you make them jeans rip for?

He actually wrote part (most?) of Kanye’s “Jesus Walks,” which was arguably the hit off the first cd that sent ‘Ye into every white boy and girl’s mp3 collection. (Yes there were a few white boys like me who had him back in 2003. Jolly, too.) But I just find it odd for a rapper to have a ghostwriter. I mean, I know that Whitney, Mariah, Britney, heck even The Spice Girls didn’t write all they’re lyrics (Ashlee Simpson does, which is why her lyrics are trite, but that’s another blog). But most rappers have the whole “feat. Jay-Z” thing where they let the other guy have a verse on the song. But Rhymefest hid in the shadow on a huge song and let Kanye sing and take credit for the rhymes. I mean Ryhme got a Grammy and didn’t sing or even have a recording contract! Ah well, now Kanye’s hooking him up. S’all good as long as everyone gets paid.

#64
Hey guys I don’t mean to brag, but I’m the 64th best blog in Portland. Or maybe I do mean to brag. Ha, anyways, I have no idea what this site really is, but JJ found it searching for me on google. Maybe a better question is why my roommate is internet-stalking me…

Drink it Down
Okay so I have a business proposition. Although I have no market knowledge, no funding, and no bottling/distribution/promotion connections, I want to create, bottle, and sell a new specialty liquor. I’m thinking a very high end, smooth whiskey. What’s the name of my whiskey you ask?… Confidence. Confidence in a bottle.

So next time you’re at a bar, and you’re eyeing an attractive lady but you're a little too timid, walk up to the bartender and say, “I’ll have a shot of Confidence!” Pour it. Pound it. And go talk to her, Andy.

What's new pussy cat?

2005-12-07T00:15:00.000-08:00

Woah woah woah woooahhhooooahh.

I'm still alive. I've just been busy/lazy/haven't found something to blog about.

Soon. Soon.

Not-So-Supercut

2005-11-14T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have been getting my hair cut at Supercuts for more than a decade, and I am almost always satisfied with their service. I have liked them for numerous reasons, some being:

1. They have lots of locations.
2. I can call in advance so that I don’t have to wait in line.
3. All of their employees know the same lingo and jargon (ie a #2 clippers is 2/8ths of an inch, #3 is 3/8ths, “scrounded in the back” is a mix of a square and rounded neckline trim). You might know what I’m talking about. You might not. All that matters is that the person cutting my hair does.
4. Lastly, all their employees are trained the same way at a Supercuts University (or something). They all have little degrees with their names posted next to the mirror in front of you while you sit.

For these reasons, I have been happy with my haircuts and with Supercuts in general.

That being said, I had the scariest haircut of my life on Friday. No joke. The end result was a normal haircut, but the means to the end were horrific. My blood pressure was the highest its ever been. I actually ran out of adrenaline. She seemed normal enough at first. The only employee working in an empty Supercuts on a Friday at 7pm.

She was polite enough, but I should have seen the little clues. Forgetting to put an apron on me before she almost started buzzing my hair. Losing the scissors twice. Asking me questions, only so she could jump in and tell me her answer. Apologizing for missing some spots and saying she’ll go back over them a second time. Flipping out/spaz-answering the phone when a customer was calling. Attacking my hair with her scissors, using what I have named the “swoop and clip full-arm cut” instead of a gentle squeeze, as the scissor manufacturers intended. Turning the chair so I was not facing the mirror. I COULD NOT SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING!

Near the end of the cut, after several panic attacks and a mild heart attack, I saw her Supercuts Diploma. First, let me say that I saw it because the chair wasn’t pointed at the mirror, but at a ninety-degree angle. Second, and most importantly, the date on the diploma was October 21, 2005. Yep that’s right. I got a rookie, two weeks out of school. Maybe that’s why she was working the crappy Friday night shift. I should have put all the pieces together quicker.

You know how in movies they say “the names have been changed to protect the innocent?” Well, I’m not changing her name. I want to help protect the innocent. Her name is Karolyn Jones. She cuts in the back left corner of the Beaverton Town Center Supercuts. She has squiggly brown hair. Beware.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a sketchy cut at this specific Supercuts. I’ve only complained about this location. The other location in the area (185th and Walker) is excellent. Never made a complaint. Maybe they recruit the good hairdressers to the 185th store? I don’t know. Another weird coincidence is that the Burgerville one hundred yards from the bad Supercuts also has a bad track record. They are a Burgerville that trains new employees for the Portland area, and consistently takes forever and messes up orders. Long story short, stay away from Beaverton Town Center for all food/shopping/service needs.

4 Facts You Need to Know to Survive

2005-11-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

Coca-cola is the puppet master and I am their puppet. Coke is discontinuing Vanilla Coke in the next few months (I think by the end of 2005!). How can they do that to me?! They introduce a flavor I like, that I love, and then snatch the bottle away from me. No more Diet Vanilla or Diet with Lemon, either. Corporate bullshit if you ask me.

They are going to replace Vanilla in the spring with New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. So I guess that okay, combining the forces of Cherry and Vanilla to make a new super cola. But I don’t like the arrogance and authority they nationally exercise.

And here’s another thing. The most recent Coke contest rewarded one in four bottle caps with a free liter bottle of Coke. A liter. A LITER. Think about that---a liter. How cocky is that? They give away a prize that A) no store carries in stock B) doesn’t fit in your car cup holder and C) is too bulky to carry around. Plus, who the hell drinks a whole LITER at once?

Those one in four contest are the devil. They could introduce New Broccoli Coke and I’d try it, as long as I was told that it was NEW, that it tasted good, and that I had a one in four chance of winning another New Broccoli Coke.

Anyway, New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke will soon be released with some type of sale or contest… one in four wins a free coke, or a trip to the final four. And I won’t want to, but I will try it. Dance, Matt, DANCE!!!

Being called by your given name, instead of your common name, sucks. Being called by your given name nine times within one minute by a complete stranger sucks forty fold. It angers you, it frustrates you, and it makes you want to yell at the person speaking.

Apparently this is the goal of the Wells Fargo branch located on NW 185th. They are trying to lose customers by over-personalizing the banking process. Every sentence the girl said to me either began with Matthew or ended with Matthew. Or both began AND ended with Matthew. (Grandma Giraffe doesn’t even call me Matthew. Nobody does. Seriously, nobody.)

I was a little T-O-ed when Safeway started ending the checkout process with “Thank you Mr… ahhhhh… Graff. You saved… ummm… 11% today.” Now I only wish, hope, and pray that Wells Fargo reverts to this single-name-identifying strategy. From now on, I’m using the drive through ATM for all banking needs. No more humans.

Alarm clocks are not your friend. I’m working again. Well, I’m freelancing, actually. This is kind of a good way of easing myself back into the working world. But let me tell you, sleeping in almost every day of the week is something that I am going to miss. Unemployment does have an upside, and it is called Sleep. I can’t even begin to find the value of planning to wake up “oh I don’t know, some time between nine and noon, probably.” Stupid alarm clock.

Motor tricycles are going to be all the rage in 2007. Don’t ask me why I know. Don’t ask me how I know. Just know that I know. And remember 16 months from now, that you read it here.

Gross!!!

2005-11-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

So last night, JJ and I were waiting to turn left at a stoplight, and the girl in the car next to us totally picked her nose..... AND ATE IT! She dug deep. She really got in there good. She picked, then she licked. She picked and licked. And let me tell you, JJ was grossed out. Seriously sickened by the whole event. I wasn't as disgusted, but then again, I was driving and wasn't right next to her car.

And I thought, why didn't she disguise it? She could have covered with the other hand, right? Why didn’t she wait until she got somewhere more private, like at home or in a bathroom? Maybe she thought she WAS safe in her car. I mean I’ve gotten caught singing in the car, and that’s a little embarrassing. Being caught gold-mining must be ten times worse. But you dig your own grave. (Pun alert—DIG your own grave. Get it? DIG! *insert rimshot*)

So I did some quick research, I mean I am working right now, but I found this site that has some stats from two studies of “rhinotillexomania,” the fancy name for nose-picking. 8% of people say they’ve never picked, those liars. And 8% admit to the pick and lick. So now you know. Every time you’re at a stoplight, look to the car next to you. There’s an 8% chance that they’re a picker/eater. That means you’re idling next to a picker/eater once every twelve lights. One in twelve. Now all you have to do is wait, watch, and catch them in the act. And then honk honk honk point point point.

Slicing and Dicing

2005-10-31T11:57:00.000-08:00

So I carved some pumpkins with my brother Chris. Here's how they turned out. We have Pocket Aces, Mike from Monster's Inc. and, what else, a Giraffe.

Let's play Dress-Up

2005-10-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Halloween is coming up in a couple of days, and I'm trying to figure out what costume to wear this year. Last year I was a toilet.

Here are some ideas on my list so far:

1) A U of O Graduate--pretty much a hippie with a tassle
2) Foosball (Table Soccer) Player--one of those small red or blue guys attached to the pole
3) A trucker--mullet, Ashton hat, and a cut-off flannel shirt
4) UPS Delivery Guy--I did this one five years ago, but I would add the tight brown shorts and thigh-high socks this time

So, what are your thoughts? Or do you have any other ideas? Or cool ones you've seen at a party?

Flat Tire Blues

2005-10-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

No “flat tire” story ever goes this:

“So I was driving on a mildly warm Saturday afternoon, when I got a flat. I said, ‘Gosh darnit. Fricken A.’ Luckily I was next to parking lot, and I pulled in. By pure luck, a AAA truck guy was eating lunch in his truck, I waved him over, and he happily agreed to help me. Whole thing took five minutes, tops.”

Not that there’s anything over the top about that story. No Playmates were involved, no findings of a fifty-dollar bill or winning scratch-it tickets.

It’s just that in my experience, changing a tire doesn’t involve sunny weather (or daylight for the most part), quick response of AAA (if called), or an adequate shoulder to pull off a freeway. It is a time-consuming process that happens at the worst time and gets your clothes dirty. And it usually involves a small amount of swearing.

I’ve had a few bad ones:

1) The time back in high school when I got a flat on the first day of owning my car. And having learn how to change a tire for the first time, on gravel and on a hill nonetheless.

2) The time I had a blowout on I-5, pulled over to the gravel shoulder, had a RATTLESNAKE greet me while I was lying on the ground! Yeah that was fun. Not to mention semi trucks blazing by at 70 mph three feet from me. Always a safe feeling.

3) The time we were driving to our Wednesday night poker game on a rainy night in Eugene. I pulled into a Red Lion parking lot to change a tire in the rain and got drenched. Had local rent-a-cops, Securitas, question what I was doing. What does it look like I’m doing at nine at night in the rain under my car with a jack and a lug wrench? F U Securitas. Oh and having Kirk, Jolly, and Hocka watch me change the tire in the rain. I don’t know if I ever thanked you all for your help.

4) So that brings us to last night. JJ and I drove to our casino, Chips Casino, up in La Center, WA. (Talk to Will, mention our names, and he’ll hook you up.) Anyways, it’s 2am and we’re on the highway a quarter-mile heading out of town and we hear “that noise.” Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Awwww fuccccckkk.

Nowadays, I have AAA, for situations just like this. We call and then say they can probably be there in an hour. I decide that I’m too tired and impatient to wait that long, turn them down, and try a go at it myself. After getting out the jack, cranking down the spare from under the car, and all that stuff, I find that my new Explorer has independent rear suspension, not your regular wheel-and-axle setup. Well crap, I don’t know exactly where to put the jack, and I don’t want the car crashing down on me, so fuck it. We drive back a quarter-mile to the casino, park in front, and wait an hour for AAA. Didn't get home until after 4am.

But there is some good news to this story I guess. JJ went back into the casino to play Pai Gow for that hour, and won back most of the money he lost earlier playing poker. And today, Les Schwab Tires didn’t charge anything to fix the hole in the tire. Les Schwab rocks.

Giraffe. What.

Hoop Dreams

2005-10-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

So I started a basketball team at my family's athletic club, the SAC. The team is composed of JJ and Terry (my roommates), Brian (college roommate), Houston and CD (old co-workers), Bryan and Jack (highschool friend and his friend), and myself. The eight of us are LOS WOMBATS.

Last night was our first game. This week, some people had some conflicts. One had to work, one had family in town, one was on vacation, and one had concert tickets. That left only four of us to play the game. Terry, Jack, CD, and I were ready for the challenge.

Not only was the other team younger than us (young college-aged guys), but there were nine of them. We played them four on five AND THEY HAD FOUR SUBS. This didn't phase us. After some positive thinking, strategizing, and successful practice shots, we were ready for them.

Two minutes into the game, we let 8-5. That's right youngins, you are about to get whooped by four random dudes.

Long story short, we lost 95-42. In a 50 minute game, we couldn't compete with one less man and no subs. I was happy with my playing. I made some good shots, some good passes. I made 3 of 4 foul shots. I decided not to dunk this game. I didn't think it would be the right thing to do at a family athletic club. Maybe next game. I pretty much played my ass off and carried this team.

The other guys on my team played well too.

Also, we have sweet green and white reversible jerseys.

I like cookie dough

2005-09-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

#1. They are making an OC video game. Repeat: Attention Jolly, Attention Pedro: AN OC VIDEO GAME. No more waiting for Marissa to hook up with her girlfriend. No more waiting for Seth to sail to Portland on the Columbia. No more questioning if Ryan is the father; you can create the baby's mamma drama with the new OC video game! The article says that it will be like The Sims. Bonus-- you can create your own character! I'm making my character look like Jolly, giving him a nickname "The Falcon," and seeing how the OC treats him, bitch.

#2. Phase one of DeckFest 2005 is done. I will be staining it tomorrow, and then ripping apart the other side on Thursday. At least it looks like a deck now. And look at that kick-ass bench I made. Easy on the eyes, easy on the ass.

#3. I forgot how much I like eating cookie dough. Back in college, Kirk and I would buy those Tollhouse ready to bake cube cookies, and then just eat them. Ahhhh, soooo goood.

All Decked Out

2005-09-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

Oh man. Building a deck by one's self is a long, hard process.

Seriously, I've put so many hours into this deck, and all it looks like is open and airy framing. Tomorrow morning I start laying the actual cedar decking that goes on top of all the digging, leveling, measuring, cutting, hammering, and framing. I've done 80% of the work, but the last 20% is the part that makes the deck look like, well, a deck. Here's what I have so far...

And that is only the first half of the project! I have 500 sq feet down, 400 sq feet to go.

So, if anyone who lives in Portland wants to lend a couple hours of help in the next couple weeks (this means you--Brian, Andy, CD, Kool-Aid, Houston), my mom said she'd make some spaghetti or order a pizza. Beer could maybe be arranged with ample notification.

Four-Day Weekend Randomness

2005-09-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a busy weekend. Went to Salem on Friday and went golfing. Went to Corvallis on Saturday to the OSU-PSU football game. Went up to Washington to go golfing on Sunday. And then stayed in town today and helped demolish my parents deck today. Anyway here are some random thoughts...

Two words I realize I say incorrectly, but do nothing to correct them:

TENNA SHOES-- Tennis shoes. I guess the "S" at the end of tennis gets lost in the mix? And I use this term for all athletic shoes. I don't think I own an actual pair of tennis shoes, but b-ball shoes, running shoes...

McMINIMUM'S-- McMenamin's. A local family chain of cool restaurants, movie theaters, and bars. We actually know the McMenamins, but I always say it wrong, and Houston has called me on in, multiple times.

So I went to QFC, a grocery store, around midnight and bought a) a 12-pack of Pop-tarts and b) a 20-oz Vanilla Coke, the Coke to drink now and the 'tarts for breakfast in the car early in the morning. The check out girl Jacqui, a blonde ditz, asks if I found everything okay, I say "yep, just the essentials." And then she scans the 'tarts and says in a loud, disgusted valley voice, "Ooo gross, Pop-Tarts are soooo disgusting." What? Since when are the grocery checkers told to give positive and negative feedback about customer purchases? It just ticked me off. I am thinking of saying something to the manager.

Lastly, OSU might not have a winning football program this year, but they finally have a real football stadium. And not one made of metal bleachers! Not saying I jumped ship, I'm a duck goddamnit. But Reser Stadium finally looks good. Luxury suites, two levels of seating, and the student section running the entire length of the field.

...okay and I know that unimployed people don't really have weekends, let alone three-day weekends, but this one felt like a four-day weekend.

Lightning Striking Again!

2005-09-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

Did ya see it? Did ya? On ESPN2, "The Dos"? Did you see it? Cause I did. I saw hope. I saw the hope of a winning season. So you did see my boys, the Ducks, out there whooping some tail in Texas.

Did you see my boy, Martinez, and his golden foot? You know I've always been talking about how reliable he can be in the clutch, don't you? Well, did you see how his right shoe kept the Duckies in the game the first half? How he scored five field goals, tieing a school record? Heck, I think he hooked that one just so that he could share the record. That's how nice a kid my boy Marty is.

Did you see my boy, Stewert, straight outta middle school? The kid's so young he has to drive with a parent sitting shotgun. Yet he hoists up three linebackers up on his shoulders, carries them downfield, and turns a 5 yard push up the middle into a 33 yard strongman competition.

Did you see my boys, the receivers? My boy, D-Will, getting 130+ yards, but come on we all expected that. My boy, Colvin, stepping up as a sophmore. That's De La Salle High School for ya, they teach them boys how to play. (By the way, he's my boy also cause we both were born in Pittsburg, Cali. Pre-school in Oakland, represent, what.) And my boy, Dante, caught a TD. He stepped up from the backfield to a tight end in this new offense (really? okay, i guess everything is a little wierd with nine receivers lining up at once).

And I know you saw my boy, Clemens. Did you see his 348 passing yards? And his team leading 72 rushing yards? His two TD passes sans interceptions? Seriously, zero INT-s, none. Heck, he even let his little buddy Dixon do the QB dive from the 1-yard line for the touchdown. That's just how my boy, Kell, is--unselfish. The only thing he didn't do was receive a TD pass, and I could swear I saw Bellotti trying to put him in as a wideout while Dixon was snapping. But Kell, you know him, he said, "Put J-Kent in. Coach, let's get Lil' Ernie a pass."

I've always said that Clemens kid was something special. Last year, every time he threw an interception (10) or got sacked (40), I would reassure whoever I was with not to worry, this kid still has a good year in him. Have faith, cause this he has vision. He can run. He can throw. He can lead. I've been saying all along, he's the next Joey Heisman.

(btw, what ever happened to my boy, Jason Fifeman?)

Blaze, Laser, and Blazer....

2005-08-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

Okay so there's an article on today's ESPN Page 2 by Kieran Darcy about how he is fed up with reality television. He's sick and tired of the Corals and the Trishelles and watching them compete. When all he wants to see is a new version of American Gladiators. And I agree. I loved, LOVED, that tennis ball game, Assault. Contestants running, using the crossbow and the Nerf-zooka. Oh man. And a couple years back, USA would run repeats during the lunch hour. (Now, semi-unimployed people like Holland and I are left with only Dawson's or Charmed to choose from.)

So read this article on ESPN.com

Then sign this petition to bring American Gladiators back.

And then maybe post some of your fondest memories of the Gladiator Games. I know Peter loved The Gauntlet, and Jolly, do you remember the game where the crawl-raced upside down on that winding track thing? Ah man, that was great.

A Change for the Better

2005-08-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

Due to recent comments and concerns, the GiRAFFe blog will no longer be a personal documentation to my weekly thoughts and actions. In sponsorship with National Geographic Northwest (NGNW) and cooperation with Wikipedia, this blog will now feature weekly postings of pictures of and facts about giraffes.

The Giraffe (Giraffa camelopardalis) is an even-toed ungulate mammal, the tallest of all land living animal species. Males can be 4.8 to 5.5 metres (16 to 18 feet) tall and weigh up to 900 kilograms (2000 pounds).

Native to Africa, the Giraffe is related to deer and cattle, but is placed in a separate family, the Giraffidae, consisting only of the giraffe and its closest relative, the Okapi.

Giraffes are famous for their long necks which allow them to browse on the leaves of trees, and elongated forelegs (which are much longer than the hind legs).

For more information about giraffes, this week's links is Wikipedia, the online community's free encyclopedia.

Giraffa camelopardalis. What.

I FUCKIN need you more than evvaaarrr!

2005-08-07T15:20:00.000-07:00

Oh Dan Finnerty, how we love thee. To catch everyone up, The Dan Band is a professional cover band that only sings songs originally sang by women. They have been in Old School and Starsky and Hutch as the wedding band and the bahmistfah (?) band. And when I say professional, I mean professional. This is no rag tag group of karaoke wannabes. We’re talking full band, backup singers, audio/visual presentation introduction, special effects (well it was just a smoke in a hairspray-like can, but still), and choreography, oh the choreography! And quite a few “fuckin!s” and “shit!s” thrown into the songs.

My roommate JJ and I met up with Andy and one of his ladyfriends. Now I was fortunate enough to buy the tickets early and JJ and I sat at a cabaret table in the front row right next to the stage. Oh how I wish these could be my seats for, I don’t know, a Brittney concert, a Spice Girl concert, hell even a Hillary Duff concert, but still, these were prime seats.

So Dan interacted with the crowd in between medleys, and at one point came over and talked to JJ. Asked his name, where he was from, and then dedicated the next set of songs to JJ--and then they starting singing some Salt n Peppa songs “Shoop” “Whatta Man” and so on. (Can I get some fries with that shake shake booty, if looks could kill you would be a FUCKIN cutie, your a shotgun bang, JJ what's up with that thang?")

Now Dan is a very good singer, he can easily carry a tune. But what is awesome is all the sexual gestures he does during some very innocent love songs. Crotch grabs, hip thrusts, the whole lot. His two backup singer guys were dressed like accountants--glasses, suits, looked very boring, but they were doing the cheesiest “backup singer” moves behind Dan. Whatever was appropriate to the song, like during “I’m a slave for you” there are two accountants trusting and acting like seductress slaves in the back, and during “Geenie in bottle” doing harem belly dancing.

This show has to go down as one of the best I’ve seen. Yes, I’ve been to a lot of concerts, with big name bands. But this low-budg, let’s have some fun, make some sex jokes, sing women’s songs, and make everyone laugh style was ridiculously awesome. I’m going to tell everyone I see in the next three weeks about this concert. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to share a concert experience so much.

They have a live cd out that you can buy from their website. I don’t recommend it though. The site says they have a dvd coming out this fall. You really need to experience both the visual and audible performance to enjoy the whole package. Go to the website, and there is an “extras” page with videos, watch them.

“Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m FUCKIN falling apart, nothing I can say, total eclipse of the heart.”

The reason...

2005-07-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

Got a new driver's licence today (it looks much better in person).

Just Call Me Tony MoHawk

2005-07-24T18:22:00.000-07:00

So today was the big huge 10k Nike Run Hit Wonder in Portland! I was joined by Mike "Speedy" Houston, the Tim "The Cheetah" Messa, and Andy "Mac Truck" Holland. We all ran, we all lived.
Here are some images:

Because I've got a Golden Ticket...

2005-07-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

I've got a golden chance to make my way. And with a golden ticket it's a golden day!!!!

So Drew and I just got back from the new Wonka movie. Go see it. It's good. Anything Tim Burton touches is gold, gold I tell you! Depp was pretty good. Maybe his character just seemed odd, but I guess he was good at being that odd character. He was better in Pirates, and Sleepy Hollow, and Fear and Loathing, and Donnie Brasco, and Eddy Scissors. But he was still good in this.

The umpa lumpas are way different. There songs are all modern and produced. I kinda like the old songs better. And not just the umpa songs, but the golden ticket song, and the way Gene Wilder was freaking everyone out with his song on the boat...Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing?

Okay but here are some thoughts on the trailers that we saw right before the new Wonka movie.

#1 STEALTH. This movie will suck. Oh no, the plane with the most destructive weapons ever has a mind of it's own! This is crazy. Good idea on paper, bad movie on the screen. It has Jessica Biel in it. Since she left Seventh Heaven, she's done what?--Blade 4? And Jamie Foxx filmed this before Ray, I heard. He should take his Oscar money, and pay for this movie to not be released. And back to the plane--How does it refuel? Can artificial intelligence apply for a Visa card and then use it at the pump?

#2 THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED. Golf movie from Disney, based on a true story. A child plays in the US Open. Preview looked good. Good date movie. Good family movie. This will probably go with Disney's list--The Rookie, Remember the Titans, and Miracle. My boy Shia LeBeouf plays the main character, and let me tell you, this kid is good. He played Louis Stevens, from the Disney Channel Series "Even Stevens." I loved that show, seriously. They shouldn't have cancelled it. Also, he was in I Robot, and my brother and sister said he was good in another Disney movie called "Holes." I never saw it, but I trust the sibs.

#3 WALLACE AND GROMMIT, THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT. New claymation movie. Same old great cast of Wallace, the inventor dude, and his trusty dog sidekick Grommit. Trailer looked awesome. If you liked their show, you'll like this movie. Shout out to my buddy, P. Dudd. This movie is for you.

And last but not least....

#4 Wanna Fanta? Dontcha wanna? Wanna Fanta. Wanna Fanta.

What did the Giraffe eat today?

2005-07-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

That's the topic of discussion all around the jungle. Hyenas are asking. Lions are asking. Those deer-like things with the pointy horns are asking. So, what is The Giraffe eating?

A whole lotta tortilla chips, top ramen, and PB+J (I think that's how peanut butter and jelly would be spelled if they opened an ad agency: PB+J).

So what is new in Matt's CD player?

"Be" The new CD from Common. If you've never heard of him, he's a Chicago rapper. Very lyrical, about real issues. His newest CD is produced by Kanye, so if you like Kanye-type beats, then you'll love this CD.

"Monkey Business" by Black Eyed Peas. Don't Phunk with Hockaday's Heart is a classic. There's a song where they sample Jack Johnson, kinda works, kinda weird, because it's a song from like two years ago. There's a song with a James Brown hook, very groovy. Buy this CD, it's good. Here's something I've wondered about BEP now that they have massive success: What do Taboo and Apl feel about their roles in the group. Will is the main singer/rapper/producer and dominantly raps almost all the songs. Fergie sings on all the tracks. So the other two rappers sometimes don't even get their voices on all the tracks. And if they do, they go "Baby girl you make me feeelll. You know you make me feel so reallll. I love you more than sex appealll." And Taboo, those are your only words in the single off the new album. I'm not knocking him, but back in the day he got one third of the rhymes, now he gets to rhyme Real with Feel and Appeal.

"Demon Days" Gorillaz. Feel Good Inc. is a good single. All Alone is another one. What I like is the idea that The Gorillaz is an animated band. All the music is made by Damon Alburn, former frontman of Blur, and the band and all visual materials are animated by Jamie Hewlett. Watch the video, seriously.

Hey Rancher, you ain't the only one who learned how to read. I recently finished "The Green" by Troon McAllister. It's a fictional golf story about the American captain of The Ryder Cup picking a golf hustler to play on the team. It's written very well; it's a fast read. If you liked any of the Rick Reilly golf books, you'll like this better. I'm buying a copy for my dad for his birthday next week. And Nate, unfortunately, the only picture is on the cover.

Onward and Upward

2005-06-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

So last night I met with my buddy and advertising guide, Mike, and we had a good conversation about what I need to do to land the art directing job that I want to get. (You might have heard Mike's "Turtle Song"...he's kind of a celeb within the Portland ad community.) We looked at everything I already had in my portfolio, decided what worked and didn't work, what needed revising, and what needed to be removed. I really respect what Mike has to say, because he went through this whole process a year or two ago.

What it seems like I need to do is totally immerse myself in improving my book by reading layout and typography books, cutting out cool illustrations in magazines and pinning them up on a wall, thumbing through the advertising annuals, people watching, and just overtime-working the creative parts of my mind.

You may be asking, "But Matt, how will you be able to make car payments, college loans, and rent without having a job?" Well, starting in a week, I will be collecting unimployment checks. This last for up to six months until I find work. The checks are not quite, but almost enough to cover most of my monthly bills, so while looking for work, I'll use the next few months to remake my portfolio. I also might be able make a couple bucks from my parents by rebuilding their deck. And then there's always online poker. So we'll see how the next few months go.

Sleeping in and then playing some X-Box

2005-06-23T00:06:00.000-07:00

So, guess what?

I ain't got no job. As of Monday, I was "let go" from the ad agency I was working for. Financially, it sucks because I need to pay bills. Job-hunting-wise, it sucks because the market is hard to get into.

But I'm keeping a positive outlook for now. I wasn't doing exactly what I want to be doing in my career. I was doing more execution and production work and not the more creative and problem solving part of the process. But I was learning. This was one of the reasons my boss decided to let me go. He didn't want me getting stuck and trapped doing the production role.

We'll see what happens. Right now I'm evaluating what I want to do. I'm going to talk with all my contacts at different agencies and then take it from there.

Also, I'm running a lot lately. I need to train for the Run Hit Wonder. Already lost seven pounds. Boo yah!

More to come about the job later....

I'm on holiday

2005-06-11T19:20:00.000-07:00

Going for a week with The Fam to Eagle Crest, a SunRiver-ish / Black Butte-ish resort out near Redmond, Oregon. I hope to get a lot of reading and writing and running and golfing done while I'm there. My dad and sister are bringing their laptops, so hopefully I can get a few posts in. Hope there is a ethernet hookup somewhere there. Maybe one about my one year anniversary since graduating--a year in review as a real adult.

Happy graduation Andy. Sorry I couldn't come down.

Run with Sporks pointed down

2005-06-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm sorry that I didn't post the next day. (And I thought the useage of swear words was a little harsh.) Apart from my brother's middle school graduation, my sister's high school graduation, a whole bunch of family stuff, my first advertising campaign where I get to be the art director, and my 23rd birthday, this weekend was pretty busy.

With that said, y'all need to fly out to Portland for the Nike Run Hit Wonder Drew Willis, Messa, and Jolly ran it last year. And they can tell ya it was awesome! Running to the music of 80s reject bands. And then after you run 10k (6.something miles for you Americans) you get to drink a beer and listen to Devo. Yeah!!! So fly out and join me running. Jolly you in?

Okay, lastly I've always wanted to get this in print, so here it goes. Back in high school my buddy Jeff Herbage and I were on a ski lift when this dialogue happened: "Dude, it's f***ing cold!" "You know what would be awesome right now?" "Hot chocolate." "Yeah, okay, but I was thinking strippers up here with us." So then and there J Herb and I thought up our line of Matt and Jeff's companies starting with our "Ski lift Stripper Gondolas--winter transportation and Entertainment."

From there we came up with a new sport "Putt Putt Bowling (or maybe Bowl Bowl Golf)" where it's like normal bowling except with putt putt obstacles--windmills, moats, clown's mouths, and lanes that bend and you have to bank your shot.

Another idea was to open a nice sit-down restaurant called "Sporks" where you receive a spork and knife. And I'm talking full on metal spork. I've never seen any spork except the plastic 3rd grade lunchroom untensil. These metal sporks would kick so much ass that people would steal them. And while we at Sporks don't condone or promote theivery, we do understand.

These are just a few ideas for "Matt and Jeff's" combination companies. If any of y'all have any ideas for combining two things into a singular store or service that Jeff and I can use, you are encouraged to post them.
Aight. That's all.

Quick hit and then back tomorrow

2005-06-01T21:02:00.000-07:00

I was waiting until someone posted a post telling me to blog. Thanks Rancher.

So I moved this last weekend Sunday-Tuesday. I just got Comcast set up just now, kind of. Internet acting up. Phoenix just lost, dammit. And Steven A. Smith is yelling at the video camera. He needs to learn to just talk. Anyway, real post coming soon. It might involve a spork! Stay tuned.