Hi, my name is… Entourage

Hello my name is Entourage. And I’m a TV show that you used to like. But lately I’ve gone a little soft. Flaccid might be a better adjective than soft, because it more specifically describes what I’ve lost. My manhood.

Oh I used to be a show you liked. You watched me multiples times. You asked your friends about me. “Yo dude, have you seen Entourage? Oh, you’ve goootttttttaaaaa see Entourage.” I showed you the life you wanted to live. I had the characters that you wanted to be. You wanted to be Vince, the star. You wanted to be E, the buddy in charge. You wanted to be Ari, the smooth-talking asshole. You might have even wanted to be Turtle or Drama, the sidekicks. My guys lived out your dreams. Not just living in Cali, but living it up in Cali. The parties. The mansions. Escalades and Maseratis. And the ladies, the chicas, the honeys. Ooooooh man, the honeys. We’re on HBO, and we can show some T and A. Tits and ass, fellas. You’re welcome.

But these days, I seem a little weak. Like I’ve lost my game. Something’s not right. For some reason I’ve abandoned all those things you loved about me. So what have I been doing? Well, I’ve created a whole bunch of problems and have all the characters worrying all the time. (That’s some complex drama.) I created some awkward hetero male remorse and yearning between a fired agent and his former client. (Male tension, yes.) I’ve also hidden the hottest supporting character on the show, Sloan. (Wait, I do show her on the other end of a phone call once every four episodes.) But to be fair, I haven’t really shown any sex scenes. Off the top of my head, the two most recent sex plots featured 1) Turtle groping the girl from the Wayans Brothers' movie “White Chicks” and 2) the fat guy from MadTV trying to date rape Lloyd.

Guys, I need to know what you want from me. Are you looking for a fun show that makes all your wildest dreams come true? Or are you wanting a frustrating cock-tease show that resembles a shell of what it used to be? Are you looking to vicariously live through me or vicariously worry through me? Do you want to have fun? Do you? Because I am having an identity crisis. I’m confused.

I need your help. Seriously, I do. Please email me. I'm Entourage. Sunday nights on HBO.