I Went AMERICA All Over Las Vegas's Ass

I just got back from a weekend trip to Vegas with Joel, Joe, and Drew. Woo hoo! Our main reason for going was an outdoor concert festival called Vegoose. The headliner on Saturday night was Daft Punk, and they rocked. The cool thing about this concert festival is that almost half of the people go to it dressed in their Halloween costumes. We were no exception.

Here is Drew (fighter pilot), Joe (sailor), Joel (Captain Morgan), and Giraffe (Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia):


Here we are before the concert:


Another picture from the concert: Notice my jean jacket, american flag bandanna, and Farm Aid tshirt. I'm gunna rise up, kick some ass, drive a big truck, sew a flag, and go America all over your ass:


Joe, Joel, Giraffe, and Drew, the next day, after the concert:

Wildfires and Zombie Attacks

The wildfires in southern California have been on my mind this week. It's hard for me to comprehend what a city goes through in a natural disaster situation, whether it's a fire, a hurricane, or an earthquake. The shock of destruction. The evacuation. The worrying. The lack of safety. The looting.

I have often felt fortunate to live in Portland. We don't have wildfires, tornadoes, hurricanes, flash floods, tsunamis, acid rain, smog, or major earthquakes. I'm trying to think what major disasters we do have...

We do get a tiny earthquake every now and then, but it's the kind that most people sleep through. (Then the next day at work, people talk about having a dream about an earthquake--oh, no way, you had that same dream too?)

We also get a volcanic eruption every 150 years or so, but we should be okay for my lifetime, because Mt. St. Helens has already happened. I'm willing to play the numbers on this one. (I did take three Geology/Rocks for Jocks classes in college.)

We get tiny mudslides when it rains too much, but they only affect a couple people's route to work in the morning. I really can't think of anything, on a grand scale, that's devastating to the whole Portland community.

My coworker, Ben, reminded me that Portland is still highly susceptible to zombie attacks. True, true.

Waiters and Water Pitchers

Why do some waiters do the "side pour" with the water pitcher? Is it an ice thing?

If they're trying to impress me or work me for a better tip, it's not working. I repeat, it's not working. I'm not an "ice guy." The risk to return ratio just isn't worth it, in my opinion. There is a high probability for spilling, and I don't want a wet lap.

Abort the side pour.

Midweek Makeover

What's the recipe for the new-look blog?
Stripped-down architecture, new color palate, bloodshot eyes.

I was going to write a new post last night, but instead, I decided to revamp the blog. It was getting a little too vamp. Hopefully this is a signal that I'll be blogging more often, hopefully...

And Show It Begins

Fall is officially here. And you know how I know? Because new seasons of new crappy shows are on every network on every night. And I'm hooked.

I need two TiVos this time of year. Monday night at 8pm, I have one tuner on How I met Your Mother. I have the other tuner on Chuck. And I can't watch Monday Night Football. Luckily the score wasn't close.

The hardest part is figuring out which shows to commit to. I want to find the good ones, last year's Heroes and 30 Rock, and avoid the duds, like Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and The Nine, both of which got canceled last year before the end of the season. Coincidentally, both starred one of the Hackett brothers from the TV show Wings. Or maybe it wasn't a coincidence. Hmmmmmm.

Here are some quick comments on what I've seen so far (and to be fair I've only seen the early starts and Monday's lineup):

Kid Nation
It needs more "kid," less "nation." I like the premise--strand forty middle school kids in a deserted ghost town. They have to do everything for themselves. I was hoping it would be a little more like Lord of the Flies. More disorder, more arguing, less supplies provided for them. The biggest fights have been about washing dishes. Really? Rinsing dishes? These ghost town arguments sound like the same ones I had with my parents in a non-ghost town. The worst thing the bully of the show did was tag some "blue team" gang signs using chalk. Yeah, chalk. He should have pinched some specs. Verdict: I don't think I'm watching it again. I wanted to see some farming. I wanted to see some arguing. I wanted to see some crying. I wanted to see a nine-year-old fillet an armadillo for supper. This is just like a crappy, kid survivor.

Survivor China
Speaking of Survivor, season twenty three is taking place in China. The show has become repetitive and uninteresting, and that's why they moved it to China. Hopefully the can hook some of the 7 billion Chinese citizens into watching their show. Verdict: Dangit, it's still starving people competing for a stupid necklace and a pack of matches. If nothing else is on... maybe.

Chuck
I think I liked this show. It's hard to tell. This was the "pilot" episode, but I think I'm going to refer to it as the "spider bite" episode. This is a reference to the Spiderman (comic and tv show), or pretty much any superhero character, where they first have to explain how the powers came to be, before the show can get on a regular routine. Chuck's brain got accidentally overloaded with a bunch of government images from a government computer. The computer blew up. Now the government needs Chuck. He works at Best Buy, err... Buy More. Verdict: I want to see one or two more before I turn my thumb up or down. This show comes from the guy who wrote The OC (bitch!). It is produced, and the first episode was directed, by McG, of the Charlie's Angles movies fame and tv show Fastlane. So it will probably suck, but look actiony-good. This show might make it through this season purely based on the HCF (Hot Chick Factor). The blond CIA agent kicks ass and sports a nice one herself. Chuck has a brunette sister, just in case blonds turn some viewers off.

The Big Bang Theory
The cute ditsy girl from The John Ritter Show (that's not the name, but who cares or knows what it was called) moves in next to two uber-dweebs. Their interactions are awkward because they come from different words. Verdict: Nerds wrote this show. Nerds might be the only people watching this show. Nerds don't pull ratings. Their HCF cannot save them past episode six.


I'll blog again after I see a few more new shows. But I'll do some quick hits on returning shows that premiered a new season:

Family Guy Star Wars episode: Classic. Have watched it twice.

How I Met Your Mother: Ted's tramp stamp reminds me of my friend Nate's. Mandy more is a dirty ho-ma, which I like.

Heroes: It'll probably still be good, but I worry that their characters are too spread apart. Last year, each individual story wound together in an urgent way. The pace of the drama and the fighting drove us through the second half of the season to a big finale. Now, at the beginning of season two, everything is slow. Everything is disconnected. It doesn't feel as strong. But then again, it's only been one episode, and to be honest, I don't think they even thought they would make it to the end of season one.

WTF, Willy Wonka?

The Willy Wonka Candy Co. and I do not think on the same wavelength anymore. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up. Willy Wonka has certainly gone off his rocker.

What the frick--Nerds Rope?

Nerds, Rope?

Nerds Rope.

Nerds. Rope.

For those of you who haven't tried this stupid candy, I'll explain it to you. It's a big Red Rope licorice with a whole blunch a Nerds glued to it. Yes a sugary, crunchy, candy whip of stupidity and insult.



And the sad part is that I like Nerds. I grew up loving Nerds. It was my favorite trick-or-treating candy--those awesome little boxes that I'd take down in one bite (drink?). I don't eat Nerds all that often nowadays, but I've always been Pro-Nerds. Never have I been Anti-. Always Pro-.

I've supported all Nerds-related choices: Splitting the box in two? Yes. Funny little cartoon drawings? Yes. Sour Nerds? Yes. Coating the Nerds with another Nerd flavor? Yes. Snoop Dogg? Yesizzle.



Nerds Rope is one of those candies that Wonka should keep in the factory. Like the gumball that turns you into a giant blueberry. Or the soda pop that make you burp/fly. The great thing about regular Nerds is that they're small. They're crunchy. They're pure sugar, in the most simplest form. They deliver two flavors in each box. They a solid candy, but they are eaten like a drink. Like a can of pop, they have the little mouth spout in the top and everything.



Now, all of the sudden, Nerds Rope comes along and kills this beauty. A Twizzler raped a box of Nerds, and now this monstrosity is what children will be eating? Not my children.

Vacation, Day 7 - Cicadas

There are these weird, LOUD bugs here called cicadas.

Vacation, Day 6 - Shopping in Charleston

We went to Charleston today and took a tour of the historical downtown. It wasn't as cool as Savannah. Savannah's tours kick Charleston's tours asses. But when we went shopping in their flea market, there was a cool hat shop that sold old-timey hats, like Dean Martin and my Grandpa Bob used to wear. Next time you're in Charleston, stop by The Charleston Hat Man.

Vacation, Day 5 - The Pig

The most common supermarket in South Carolina has a cool name, Piggly Wiggly. I like to call it "The Wiggly Pig." Much like we in the Northwest may call Fred Meyer's, "Fredy's", my cousin says that the cool nickname for Piggly Wiggly is just "The Pig." And he knows it well, because he works there. At The Pig.

Vacation, Day 4 - The Cook-Out

Today, the hotel provided lunch for all the guests.

Vacation, Day 3 - Hilton Head, SC

I went to the beach today.

Vacation, Day 2 - Savannah, GA

I took a trolley tour of Savannah and saw all the highlights.

Vacation, Day 1 - In Flight

There was a seeing-eye dog on my flight.

June Ramblings

I made up a new word: "debezzling." It's kind of like embezzling, but the exact opposite. Instead of slowly stealing money from your company, you slowly and secretively invest money without expecting to see a return. I'm not saying it's a smart practice or something you should do, I'm just saying it's a new word. (Also, embezzle just seems like a weird word to me. It's a very serious, negative action, but it's so fun to spell, with those double Z's. Fun to say to... embezzzzzzzzzle.)

If I ever make a movie, I think I am going to ad a secondary title to the movie. Like instead of calling it "Death Blow" I'd call it this: "Death Blow: The Sequel to the Prequel." The title makes you think. It's kind of a "back to the future" kind of thing.

What is up with mint gum? Have you noticed how many different flavors of mint gum there are these days? Spearmint, wintergreen, peppermint, bubblemint, mint chocolate chip... the list goes on. WTF, where did all these mints come from? As far as I know, there is only one mint plant. Is the gum market so specific that R&D is having them diversify their mint portfolio to capture a larger customer base?

Is anyone else pissed off by the "proud parent" identifier on MySpace? Let me explain. On your myspace profile, you have a couple options to identify whether you have children or want them... none, someday, never, and proud parent. They don't let you choose "yes, I have kids." Just "proud parent." Why do they assume you're proud? What if you're ashamed? Or regretful? Or embarrassed? I would love to see somebody with some serious baby mama drama choose "ashamed parent." Someday... someday.

There have been a lot of threequels in the movie theaters lately. Spiderman 3. Pirates 3. Ocean's (1)3. They aren't that good. I mean, they're entertaining, like it held my attention while I'm in the theater. And they all look good, with their CGI special effects and everything. But I'm just disappointed with all of them. I wouldn't pay to see them again.

And lastly, I just wanted to officially declare that the Spiderman series has lost steam. How can I tell? Because Lloyd, the mechanic from "Wings," and Eric from "That 70's Show" are the villains. Yes, the villains, not the sidekicks or supporting cast. The villains. Doesn't any good actor want to play a villain? These are the only two guys we can get? Really? The goofy guy from Sideways and the skinny guy who calls himself Topher? Who will the villains for Spiderman 4 be, Tony Shalub and Will Valderama? (Oh, snap!)

The Jetta Effect

You may know that I like to invent words or sayings and then refer to them like people should know them. Like they are already common vernacular. For example, I invented the term “foaf” meaning Friend Of A Friend. Giraffe, can you please use that in a sentence? Yes. Last weekend, I went to a party at a foaf’s house and stole a chinchilla.

Anyway, back in college, I invented a theory or theorem (I never know the difference) which I named “The Jetta Effect.” It started because I have a habit of people watching, wherever I may be. And one of the most awkward times to stare at people is while they are driving a car. I tend to look at almost every driver that I pass on the freeway. And a lot of the time they will look back, and then we share awkward eye contact. Then I speed up and pass them.

I look for weird people, short people, hicks, grandmas, and most importantly, cute girls. After a while, I started to notice that cute girls drive Volkswagen Jettas. And I would get excited when about to pass a Jetta on the freeway. It is the single make and model of car that has the highest percentage of cute girl drivers. And so began The Jetta Effect.



The VW Jetta has all the right aspects that are attractive to girls that I am attracted to. It is small, but not tiny. It is cute, but still sporty. It is European, but does have room for junk in the trunk. It’s not too cheap, but not too expensive. It’s the baby bear—juuuuuust riiiiight.

The Jetta Effect has slightly higher than a 50% success rate in the target demographic, which tops all other makes and models of cars. Our demographic is 18-to-28 year old females, ranging from athletic to stuck-up. Most girls have shoulder-length hair or longer, mostly blonde and brunette or some kind of highlighted mix. Rarely black hair; I haven’t figured out why. Big sunglasses are common. So is rocking out to Top 40 radio. Don’t beat surprised to see rapping; this demographic likes their hip-hop. Some of these girls buy their Jetta with their own money, some are graduation presents, and some are just for daddy’s little girl.

So now that you are enlightened, next time you’re with your buddy and you pass a Jetta with a cute girl driving, you can say, “Jetta Effect.” And then explain my scientific findings, which actually aren't so scientific.



Oh, why The Jetta “Effect” you say? And not The Jetta “Rule” or The Jetta “Theory” or whatever... Well, “effect” just sounds better. It rolls off the tongue. I don’t want to get all grammatical on you, but the consonance and alliteration help it sound more awesomer.

Blazers for Free

Brian Berger from Sports Business Radio posted a blog about Comcast and the Portland Trailblazers creating a new cable channel that will broadcast most of their games. Here is my response to the new Comcast/Blazer channel:

I am a huge Blazers fan. I watched almost every single game last year, but I never attended one in person. I was able to watch 75-80% of their games from the comfort of my couch and 54-inch TV thanks to FSN and KGW.

In recent years, I used to go to 10-15 home games a year. Like many fans, rising ticket prices and the actions of the "jail blazers" caused me to be reluctant to spend my money on this organization. Lucky for me, the Blazers started showing more and more games on cable, which I already paid for. It was like getting more Blazers for free!

I always wondered whether broadcasting all these games was a good thing for the Blazers organization. As a fan, they were keeping me satisfied, but I don't believe they were making as much money off of me as they could. They didn't receive my spending money, because I was getting "free" games on tv.

The press release says that 81 of the 82 games will be televised. Plus, a lot of them will be in high-def. Next year, I will be getting 98.7% of the games for "free," since I already pay for cable and do not consider this an extra cost to me. I am happy about this, because I love the NBA, and I love having a hometown team to root for. But it's looking like the Blazers, for the second year in a row, will not directly receive even a dollar from my wallet.

Giraffes and Beer

Saturday was the First Annual Zoo Brew at the Oregon Zoo, here in Portland. It was a small-to-medium brew festival with maybe twenty local breweries. Most breweries came from Oregon, but a few from Washington, Idaho, and California (pretty much the states that snuggle up and touch Oregon).

Zoo Brew started at 5pm, and my ticket got me admission into the zoo, a special beer glass, and ten tastings. Additional tastings were $1 each. $5 gets you a full glass.

But the best part of Zoo Brew was that they let you leave the beer tents and wander the zoo with your beer. So what did I do? I spent five bucks, got a full glass of Moose Drool Brown Ale, and headed over to visit my homies in the giraffe pen. Here's a picture of me, my beer, and Rascal (he turned away, he's camera shy).



Matt Giraffe + Beer + A Giraffe = Happy Times

Summer's beginning, which means even more brew fests in town, the largest being the Oregon Brewers Festival down on the waterfront, July 26-29th. I hope you'll come and join me. And I hope they have giraffes there, too.

Lemon Your Widmer

My buddies and I created a website for Widmer Hefeweizen. It has funny videos of us catching lemons in all sorts of crazy ways. Tell your friends at school. Tell your boss at work. Tell your priest at confession. Just tell somebody about it.



We will be adding at least one new video of our own each week. But it has a feature where you can upload your own video. So go be a jackass, film yourself catching a lemon in your Widmer Hefeweizen, and post it on the site.

LEMON YOUR WIDMER WEBSITE

Also, look for the videos submitted by both Nick and Jess. They are now weblebrities.

Hi, my name is… Entourage

Hello my name is Entourage. And I’m a TV show that you used to like. But lately I’ve gone a little soft. Flaccid might be a better adjective than soft, because it more specifically describes what I’ve lost. My manhood.

Oh I used to be a show you liked. You watched me multiples times. You asked your friends about me. “Yo dude, have you seen Entourage? Oh, you’ve goootttttttaaaaa see Entourage.” I showed you the life you wanted to live. I had the characters that you wanted to be. You wanted to be Vince, the star. You wanted to be E, the buddy in charge. You wanted to be Ari, the smooth-talking asshole. You might have even wanted to be Turtle or Drama, the sidekicks. My guys lived out your dreams. Not just living in Cali, but living it up in Cali. The parties. The mansions. Escalades and Maseratis. And the ladies, the chicas, the honeys. Ooooooh man, the honeys. We’re on HBO, and we can show some T and A. Tits and ass, fellas. You’re welcome.

But these days, I seem a little weak. Like I’ve lost my game. Something’s not right. For some reason I’ve abandoned all those things you loved about me. So what have I been doing? Well, I’ve created a whole bunch of problems and have all the characters worrying all the time. (That’s some complex drama.) I created some awkward hetero male remorse and yearning between a fired agent and his former client. (Male tension, yes.) I’ve also hidden the hottest supporting character on the show, Sloan. (Wait, I do show her on the other end of a phone call once every four episodes.) But to be fair, I haven’t really shown any sex scenes. Off the top of my head, the two most recent sex plots featured 1) Turtle groping the girl from the Wayans Brothers' movie “White Chicks” and 2) the fat guy from MadTV trying to date rape Lloyd.

Guys, I need to know what you want from me. Are you looking for a fun show that makes all your wildest dreams come true? Or are you wanting a frustrating cock-tease show that resembles a shell of what it used to be? Are you looking to vicariously live through me or vicariously worry through me? Do you want to have fun? Do you? Because I am having an identity crisis. I’m confused.

I need your help. Seriously, I do. Please email me. I'm Entourage. Sunday nights on HBO.

Sun Sneezing

Every Spring, when the sun starts coming out again, I'm reminded of a seasonal affliction that I suffer from. No, not allergies. I suffer from sun sneezing. Or more scientifically, "photic sneeze reflex."

Never heard of it? Well, it's real, and here's what it is: I walk outdoors into direct sunlight. One to three seconds later, I sneeze once.

Sound weird? It is. 15-25% of humans have it. And it is more common in caucasians. Guess what? I am a caucasian human. Scientists haven't figured out exactly what causes it. Apparently the scientists have bigger issues to fix, like cancer and time travel. But one of the theories is that tears created to help adjust to the bright light leak into the nostrals and tickle some nerves, causing a sneeze. Another is that it is caused by a malfuction in the fifth cranial nerve, the trigeminal nerve. Yeahhhhh.

And another weird thing is that photic sneeze reflex is hereditary. Only one parent can have it to pass it along to the children. It is a "autosomal dominant trait." I have it. And my sister also has it. I'm not sure if my brother has it.

Weird stuff, this science.