Hi, my name is… Entourage

Hello my name is Entourage. And I’m a TV show that you used to like. But lately I’ve gone a little soft. Flaccid might be a better adjective than soft, because it more specifically describes what I’ve lost. My manhood.

Oh I used to be a show you liked. You watched me multiples times. You asked your friends about me. “Yo dude, have you seen Entourage? Oh, you’ve goootttttttaaaaa see Entourage.” I showed you the life you wanted to live. I had the characters that you wanted to be. You wanted to be Vince, the star. You wanted to be E, the buddy in charge. You wanted to be Ari, the smooth-talking asshole. You might have even wanted to be Turtle or Drama, the sidekicks. My guys lived out your dreams. Not just living in Cali, but living it up in Cali. The parties. The mansions. Escalades and Maseratis. And the ladies, the chicas, the honeys. Ooooooh man, the honeys. We’re on HBO, and we can show some T and A. Tits and ass, fellas. You’re welcome.

But these days, I seem a little weak. Like I’ve lost my game. Something’s not right. For some reason I’ve abandoned all those things you loved about me. So what have I been doing? Well, I’ve created a whole bunch of problems and have all the characters worrying all the time. (That’s some complex drama.) I created some awkward hetero male remorse and yearning between a fired agent and his former client. (Male tension, yes.) I’ve also hidden the hottest supporting character on the show, Sloan. (Wait, I do show her on the other end of a phone call once every four episodes.) But to be fair, I haven’t really shown any sex scenes. Off the top of my head, the two most recent sex plots featured 1) Turtle groping the girl from the Wayans Brothers' movie “White Chicks” and 2) the fat guy from MadTV trying to date rape Lloyd.

Guys, I need to know what you want from me. Are you looking for a fun show that makes all your wildest dreams come true? Or are you wanting a frustrating cock-tease show that resembles a shell of what it used to be? Are you looking to vicariously live through me or vicariously worry through me? Do you want to have fun? Do you? Because I am having an identity crisis. I’m confused.

I need your help. Seriously, I do. Please email me. I'm Entourage. Sunday nights on HBO.

Sun Sneezing

Every Spring, when the sun starts coming out again, I'm reminded of a seasonal affliction that I suffer from. No, not allergies. I suffer from sun sneezing. Or more scientifically, "photic sneeze reflex."

Never heard of it? Well, it's real, and here's what it is: I walk outdoors into direct sunlight. One to three seconds later, I sneeze once.

Sound weird? It is. 15-25% of humans have it. And it is more common in caucasians. Guess what? I am a caucasian human. Scientists haven't figured out exactly what causes it. Apparently the scientists have bigger issues to fix, like cancer and time travel. But one of the theories is that tears created to help adjust to the bright light leak into the nostrals and tickle some nerves, causing a sneeze. Another is that it is caused by a malfuction in the fifth cranial nerve, the trigeminal nerve. Yeahhhhh.

And another weird thing is that photic sneeze reflex is hereditary. Only one parent can have it to pass it along to the children. It is a "autosomal dominant trait." I have it. And my sister also has it. I'm not sure if my brother has it.

Weird stuff, this science.