Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Okay, so I came up with another invention. You can't steal it though. I'm moral trademarking it right now. If you steal this idea and make tons of money, you will pay with your soul. Or stock options. I accept both.

So here's the idea...HeliChips. Bags of chips that are packed in helium instead of...air? or whatever they normally have in them. But it's a bag of Tortilla chips, Sun Chips, or Doritos that has helium in it! Wouldn't that be freakin' awesome?!?!

Just think about ripping open a bag and then huffing chip vapors and talking like Simon or Theodore. "Meeee, I wannnnnt a hoooooola-hoooooop!" Oh man, I'm so excited just typing about it.

There are so many kinds of chips you could helium! (<---notice that I used "helium" as a verb, to helium something) Of course, we could do it with all the "itos" (Doritos, Fritos, Tostidos, Lays with Rigiditos). We could even do it with Cheetos! (another "ito.") Each different chip could have its own heliumed name, like Cheetos HeliCrunchy and Cheetos HeliPuffs.

Okay, time to wrap it up and get serious. Potential financial investors, here are the top three selling benefits of HeliChips:
1. Freaking awesome product. Unique. Funny voice alterations. Shared experiences. Smiles all around.

2. Huge target audience: Childen, Adults, College students, Stoners... the list goes on.

3. Cuts down on transportation costs. By packing our product in a lifting gas, our semi trucks will be lighter, and use less fuel. Another option could be delivering it in a blimp!

Investors, contact me.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

What? of the Loom

I saw a Fruit of the Loom commercial and was puzzled by the characters. If you are unaware, Fruit of the Loom, the underwear manufacturer, has mascots. In their commercials, grown men dress like giant fruit, and interact in daily social situations as the fruit. It’s unclear to me if they are “guys dressed as fruit” or if they are supposed to be magical, mythical, giant walking and talking fruit.

What is really puzzling to me is the specific fruits that the guys are supposed to be. I’ve always understood the guy dressed as a red apple. And the two guys that are dressed as grapes, green and red (purple grapes?).

It’s always the fourth fruit guy that confuses me. What the hell is he supposed to be? He looks kind of orange/brownish and kind of spikey/leafy. WTF are you, dude? Are you a clump of spaghetti? That’s not a fruit. Are you Animal from The Muppets? Again, not fruit.

And recently, the weird orange guy has been replaced by a weird leafy green guy. That's very confusing. Did the orange guy die? Did he get cut from the group? Was he rotten, but now he's in season?

It turns out that after a little internet research, the fourth fruit is supposed to be a fig leaf. I’m assuming that the internet is referring to the green guy. I know nothing about figs or fig leaves, but I think Adam and Eve had green bikinis on.

In conclusion, I’m confused why this company chose to associate fruit with their underwear. And secondly, why include a crappy fruit like a fig or a head of lettuce with cool fruits like apple and grape. I guess that choosing a banana is just a little too suggestive.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Lord of the Ring

Ladies who are in long term relationships (LTRs) should be required to wear some sort of long-term relationship ring. It has a similar function as an engagement ring--to alert and deter. At bars and house parties, it would help single guys avoid wasting time on ladies who already have a man. I won’t waste time on you, and you won’t get approached by single guys trying to hit on girls.

This is probably a win-win situation for both people in the LTR. I’m sure girls wouldn’t mind receiving this jewelry gift from their boyfriend. And I’m sure most guys would be willing to spend a few bucks if it keeps sketchy dudes away from their girlfriend.

I think this is a modern version of what they did back in the fifties and sixties--pinning. Am I saying that right, pinning? To "pin" a girl? Like after the sock hop, you "pin" her jacket or something, and then she uses her rotary phone to tell her friend how "dreamy" you are? And then together they sing a two-part call-and-response song ending in dancing and jazz hands. I think this is right. I'm pretty sure something like this happened in Grease or Bye Bye Birdie.

Oh, one last note. All of us single guys got together and approved one exception to this new LTR ring policy. If you’re one of those girls who is in a relationship, but is actively searching for a better boyfriend, then you are allowed to leave the ring at home. But only if you are serious about cheating on your boyfriend. Slutty girls can do this to, just as long as your boyfriend is not at the bar/party and has no chance of kicking my ass.


Why don't more holidays have "eves"? There are some good ones, like New Years Eve, Christmas Eve, and even Halloween is technically an eve. All usually have good parties, good food, and sometimes presents. I think that there should be more eves. Flag Eay Eve... President’s Day Eve... Evester...

I even want to have an eve for my birthday. I think that would be a good one. Kind of like two birthdays. Like a preparty and then an afterparty. (Then after the party?—The Hotel Lobby... Six in the Mornin’, Six in the Mornin’.)

Thanksgiving is this week, but so is a new holiday. And I think that the new holiday, Thanksgiving Eve (aka Evesgiving), should be a little bit different. Like instead of being thankful, you get to demand that others be thankful of you. Kind of like calling out why people should thank you on the next day (Thanksgiving).

“This Evesgiving, I want you to be thankful of me. I totally saved your ass by paying rent that one month. And what about when I picked you up from the airport? And you didn’t even offer to pay for gas? What was that? I need double thanks for that one…”

Happy Evesgiving.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Things I Think About When I See a Homeless Person

Today I saw a homeless person pushing a cart down the street. He had all of his belongings in his shopping cart, and it was a little chilly outside. And this made me think.

Do grocery stores get to write of the stolen shopping carts on their taxes? Like, is that a "charitable donation?" Or can they put stolen carts in the "net loss" category? Do they buy 200 new cart with the foresight that 10-15 will get stolen?

If they see the act of stealing, do they chase after the getaway cart?

Do grocery stores file police reports for stolen carts? “Hello, 911? It’s Safeway. We just got cart jacked! Yes, again!” Cops would then pull over a homeless guy and search the VIN number of the cart? "So, buddy, you just found the cart in a ditch, you say? Likely story. We're taking you downtown and putting you in a lineup. Book him, Murphy."

Homeless people are getting free reign here. Stealing carts when and wherever they want! They’re getting away with murder! Well, not murder. It’s just an expression. But I’m sure that some homeless people have gotten away with murder, but that’s another blog.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Trick or... Frozen Stuffed Sandwich?

I had an uneventful Halloween day this year. I didn't go to a party or to a bar. I had a new costume that we made a work, but I didn't wear it out. The past couple years, I have had a run of some good ones--a toilet, UPS delivery man, "From Corvalis" (pretty much a hunting hick). I did go to a buddy's housewarming/halloween party last weekend and saw some good costumes.

But for the actual Halloween day, I just stayed in and watch the NBA openers on TNT and did some reading. I wasn't really feeling "Halloween-y" this year. No pumpkin carving, no fake spiderwebs, and no candy. I didn't buy any. So I tried to avoid trick-or-treaters. I closed the blinds at my apartment and turned off the lights. And this actually worked.

The whole night, I only got one doorbell ring. When I answered it, I was greeted by a brother-sister trick-or-treating duo. The were probably 5 and 7 years old. One was a ballerina and one was a turtle. (Guess which was which? Hint--if the boy was in a tutu, I would have said "One was a ballerino.")

Well crap, I didn't have any candy, so I improvised... HOT POCKETS! Yes, the ballerina and the turtle left my apartment with nutricious, delicious Hot Pockets. If only I were that lucky as a child! The only thing I can remember getting that wasn't candy was a toothbrush (the dentist in the neighborhood), and a toothbrush is no fun.