Thursday, August 17, 2006

Monday, August 14, 2006

You've changed, change.

What am I talking about today? I'm talking about Currency. Coinage. Money. Cash. Chips. Cabbage. Green. Tender. Notes. Dough.

So I'm paying for some fast food at the drive thru window, and I notice two new state quarters that I hadn't seen! One from 2006, the other from 2005 (Nebraska and Kansas). Not only have I stopped noticing the new quarters, I have also stopped collecting them. And I assume that you have too.

Do you remember those chart-like booklets/posters made out of cardboard that we all got a couple years back? The know the one. Where you push in the quarter so you can display the unique side for everyone to see its collecting splendor. (Except that you keep it in your sock drawer or in the back of the hall closet where nobody can see it.)

Who would have guessed that three years later, we all got ADCD (Attention Deficit Collecting Disorder) and forgot all about the quarters. Did we even make it halfway through? I don't think so. It sucks that I quit before my home states got their quarters. (Sorry Cali and Oregon, I tried.) (No, I didn't.) Damn the western states for waiting so long to join the union. I blame Meriwether Clark and his frequent rest-stop bathroom breaks.

I have nothing bad to say about you, dime. Some might comment on how small and thin you are, but size doesn't matter little buddy. Keep on doing your thing.


I think it's a little odd that nickels are twice as big as dimes, but worth half the value. That's a little messed up in my opinion. Shouldn't the coins size reflect its value? Like the bigger it is, the more the coin is worth. So in size it should go Quarter-Dime-Nickel-Penny. Maybe back in 1776, the Chief Officer of Coinage read the work order wrong and switched up the casting sizes and then tried playing it off as that's the way Ben Franklin wanted it. "G.W., I agree with you. There should be an orderly system, but you know B-Frank, he's one zany dude. Let's just go with the way the molds are now."

Also, I have here three new-ish nickels and all three of them have a different picture of Jefferson on the front. WTF? Are we doing pictorials on our coins now? So here's the rundown. There's the normal one where T.J. is facing the left. (This is the Old School T.J. coin.) Then there's this new one where he's facing to the right. (I don't understand why? Is this his "good side?") And then there's another new one where he's staring straight into my soul! (Also it looks like somebody or something is lurking the the background! Look out T.J., it's a ghost! Oh no! Maybe if you weren't so fixated on me, then you wouldn't have gotten attacked by a ghost with your back turned.)

I hate to say this, but you need to go. You have no use. You take up space. You don't match the color of the other coins. You're all up in my grill, and you need to step off, holmes. Step off. You're only real purpose is to help distinguish between the Dollar Tree Store and the 99-Cents Store. Even Walmart rolls back in larger incredments these days. Seriously, you don't even buy a gumball or anything. All the people who could tell me stories of what you used to buy are dead. It's not just me, the other coins are talking, too. Sacagawea's been talking trash behind you're back since she got on the scene. I'm sorry to say it George, but you need to go. You're still on the dollar though, and that should be a relevant denomination for at least another ten years. Before we switch to the Euro.

Nobody uses you. Nobody likes you. There is no secure space for you in my wallet, and I don't want you jingling and jangling in my pocket. You're not socially accepted. I feel like you were a clever idea our government had after looking at coins from other countries. And I'm not buying it. You're a knock-off. The only things that dispense you are stamp machines, which are pushers for the government. I vow to do everything in my power to reject your use.

Oh, and I noticed your ploy of showing a baby on your face side. That's pretty low. What's next, a puppy on the tails side?

Silver Dollar and Two-Dollar Bill
Just saying "Hey." Sup, guys? Haven't seen you in a while. Man, we had some good times. Birthdays! Remember my birthdays. Cards from Grandparents and other family members. Good times, good times. Yes, I started getting more money as gifts as I got older, but I would have happily accepted ten $2 bills instead of a $20. When I get older, I'm totally giving you as gifts to the next generation. Payin' it forward.
Half Dollar

Let me break it down to ya. This isn't easy to say, because I like you, but it needs to be said. You need to lose weight. You're just too big. You look like a quarter, which is cool, quarters are all the rage. But you're obese. You're like Quarter's fatter, older brother.

You don't carry well. You clog up vending machines. You are too hard to flip when calling head or tails. You're like the coin version of Jared from Subway circa 1999. I tell you this because I like you. You still have time to win me over. I'm not writing you off like the penny and that cocky bitch, Saca. You have some worth, especially as inflation goes up and we eventually drop the penny and the nickel. (Sorry nickel, you're next.)

So Halfy, eat some six-inch subs, man. Walk instead of taking the bus. Get your face on a tv commercial. Shed those fat pants. Do these things. Seriously. You're so money and you don't even know it.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Who could hate Shaun White? Me.

How good is it to be Shaun White right now? This kid is blowing up. He’s not even 20, and he’s at the top of his game. He’s bigger than Jack White, bigger than Barry White, bigger than Reggie White, and even bigger than E.B. White (Shout out to Templeton: What up, rat!). He has mad endorsements. I’ve recently seen him on two commercials: HP laptops and SportsCenter. He’s in video games. He has a clothing line. He has eight X Games metals and an Olympic Gold Metal (2006 Winter Halfpipe). He’s a hero, or at least a roll model, to today’s youth. And on top of all this, he seems like a genuinely nice and grounded kid.

So is it wrong for me to hate him? Why do I ask? Because I do.

I hate his hair. I hate his smile. I hate the way he spells his name Shaun and not Shawn or Sean. I hate his clothing line. I hate his myspace page. I hate when he rides switch (goofy if he’s snowboarding). I hate that he listens to music while he does halfpipe. I hate that he is trying to one-up Tony Hawk’s 900 by attempting a 1080 in competition. I don’t hate his voice, but I do hate his post-competition interviews. I hate his nickname “Flying Tomato,” but I hear that he hates the nickname too, so maybe I like it, not sure on that one yet. I hate that he probably doesn’t hate me. I hate his sponsors, unless they want to throw me some free gear. On second though, I do hate his voice.

Why do I hate Shaun White? I don’t know. I don’t think I can give you a definitive answer. Maybe because he is successful at such a young age. Maybe I’m jealous because I never made it big in extreme/alternative sports. Maybe because I think he looks weird. I remember when he was cute little kid. Now he has Olsen Twin Syndrome, where puberty kicks in and you aren’t that cute anymore (sorry Mary Kate, but it’s true). Right now, I might have a hard time picking him out of a police lineup with Carrot Top and Rocky, that guy from the Cher movie, Mask. Yes, that’s mean, but it’s true.

I guess I just feel that it’s wrong that he’s on top of the world. Shaun White can do no wrong. Everyone loves him. Think of the worst thing he could do, and he wouldn’t get in trouble. The worst thing ever. He could like, skate up to the Vatican, stab the Pope in the back with a pocketknife, do an ollie, skate away, and not get in trouble. He’d probably even get a new sponsor out of the event, like Leatherman or something. In fact, they’d probably name a trick after the whole thing. You’d see highlights on SportsCenter later that night: the “Backside No-Pope,” invented by Shaun White. Scott VanPelt says, “Shaun White, with powers comparable to Wonderboy!!!” and then Stu Scott throws in a “Boo-yah!”

I wonder if I’m the only one who feels this way. Maybe so. I might search to see if there is a anti-fan page, or a hate site or something. And Shaun, don't worry. I'm not crazy or a stalker, and I would never "Backside No-Pope" you. The whole blog was a little cathartic, and who knows how I'll feel about you in a few years (when you stop winning metals). And seriously, Burton, Birdhouse, MountainDew, Sony, Oakley, T-Mobile, if any of y’all want to send some gear my way, I might consider changing my beliefs and/or opinions on this blog subject and maybe other topics, too. The Giraffe can be bought.