Monday, March 19, 2007

Yo, Plait?

Yoplait yogurt is by far the best yogurt at the grocery store. This stuff is legen-dairy, and here is why.

Reason One: Flavors
They have the best, most fruity flavors. I want a yogurt where I can distinguish between strawberry and cherry--not just different hues of pink. To be honest, I want big hunkin' chunks of strawberries and cherries in my yogurt. Yeah, hunkin' chunks. I want the raspberry seeds caught between my teeth. I want the options of creative flavors. Harvest Peach. Lemon Burst. Strawberry Cheesecake. Cherry Orchard. Mixed Berry. And not to mention Key Lime Pie. KEY LIME PIE!!! End of story. Done deal.

Reason Two: Stirredness
Pre-stirred, baby. The fruit is mixed, spread, permeated, and dispersed. Why the heck would I voluntarily want to exercise my yogurt? I am not paying for a workout. Yoplait is the cliff notes of yogurt, it cuts right to the point. Jump on in, the water's fine.

Reason Three: Foil Lid
Yeah, that foil lid IS a little cocky, isn't it? It ticked me off a little at first, but in time I've grown to like it. I like my yogurt to have an edge; yogurt with a 'tude. As far as packaging goes, the foil lid makes little sense compared to a plastic lid. Yogurt is a viscous, sugary, sticky semi-liquid that spoils. To me, a thin, easily puncturable barrier makes little sense. It's like selling gasoline-filled water balloons or Dixie cups full of Brut cologne.

But I've seen the light. The foil lid and tapered shape are what visually distinguish Yoplait. It's like the yogurt with bling. And here's something I learned about the foil lid: You can use it as a spoon! In times of need (I don't know, camping? hiking? soccer camp?) you can fold the lid into a scoop shape. A plastic lid can't do that. Just be careful with your fillings.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Have Some Pride

Earlier today, I saw a commercial for a movie that is in theaters soon. I’ve never heard of it before—“Pride.”

Its formula is a little “copycat”—black and/or inner city high school sports team overcomes the odds, when nobody believed in them. Oh yeah, and it’s based on a true story. Remember the Titans. Glory Road. Coach Carter. Mighty Ducks. Miracle. There are ten or twenty others in recent years.

But this one is a little different, because of the sport it is based on. Not football. Not baseball. Not basketball. Not even hockey. This movie is based on… swimming? WTF? Swimming? Really?

But don’t worry. Just because the movie is based on a non-contact water sport, in Philadelphia in 1974, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t lack the drama and emotion that all the other movies based on real sports have. Just take a look at these emotional quotes from the trailer:

“You need to leave the swimming to the experts.”
“So you the expert now?”

“Remember, if you walk out, you are walking out on your life.”

We’ve been chasing dreams for many, many years. Tomorrow you’ll all get an opportunity to fulfill some of those dreams.”

“This is our house coach!”

So go see Pride, in theaters March 23. Oh yeah, Bernie Mac is the pool/rec center’s janitor. Classic.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Thoughts in the shower...

Here is what I thought about in the shower this morning:

Girl Scout Cookies
What are the first things that immediately come to mind when I think about boy scouts? Um, whittling, tying knots, and helping old ladies cross the street. What are the first things that immediately come to mind when I think about girl scouts? Cookies. That's it, nothing else. Just cookies (which I recently learned are made by Kellogg's). Every year I feel worse and worse about girl scout cookies, with their high pressure selling tactics and mega-corporation cookies.

I think this type of girl scout cookie has crack in it. They are that good. Not that I've ever had crack before, but I imagine that crack tastes like caramel and coconut topped with chocolate. No wonder it's so addicting.

"Just To Be Fair..."
If you're in an activity/event/competition with somebody and right before the event starts, they say to you, "Just to be fair, I should probably tell you that...," that's not being fair. It's more like saying, "I'm a cheater (or a professional) but you just don't know it. And to rub it in even more, I wanted to be the one who told you five seconds before you compete in this contest. Good luck, you have no chance."

Daniel Heder, Jon Heder's Twin Brother
It probably sucks to be the twin of a famous actor. And it's probably hard to tell a fan that you're not Napoleon Dynomite, you're his twin brother, when you look and sound exactly the same as your brother. "Ihaveatwinbrother, gawwshhhhhh."

Lever 2000
There was this soap that existed back in the '90s called Lever 2000. I don't know if it exists today. But their slogan/tagline was "Lever 2000, for all of your 2000 body parts." I'm calling BS on that advertising. I started counting in the shower today. Ten fingers, ten toes, okay that's twenty. Arms, elbows, armpits, chest, belly, rump, hips, thighs, knees, shins, calves, ankles, feet, neck, ears, cheeks, forehead, nose... That's like, 65 parts. Where the heck do they come up with 2000 parts? Am I supposed to eat this? Mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, large intestine. Okay, now we're up to like 71 parts. Even if you did open-chest surgery with this soap-- heart, lungs, liver, pancreas--that's like 141 parts. WTF? 2000? Plus, if they wanted to come off looking legit the shouldn't use a round number like 2000. Lever 1267 is more believable.

American Leprechauns
Why doesn't America have any cool magical creatures like leprechauns? I don't mean specifically leprechauns, but just some sort of magical fairytale creature. I know we got a late start as a country, but were all of the magical creature stories already taken by then? Like Ireland has leprechauns, Scotland has the loch ness monster, Eastern Europe has vampires, and China has dragons. What do we have? Do we have Native American stories, I guess? Maybe. But no offense to Native Americans, but a baked, vision quest coyote telling me what to do is not as cool as a dragon or a leprechaun. It's not as cool, that's just a fact.