Saturday, December 31, 2005

"You know what this is?...

It’s a celebration BITCHES!!!!”
(“Celebration” is a seasonal beer we all drank a lot of, plus it’s a Kayne lyric, and we all know how much I love Kanye. He’s my boy.)

Okay so, Pedro blogged about International Get Jolly Kicked Off His Flight Day, but I thought I’d put in my two cents and a few key memories. First of all, to explain, this was a reunion of sorts--five college friends who haven’t all seen each other in a year and a half. Well that’s only half-true. Some have seen others since graduation, but the gist of it is that we were all meeting up for a late lunch and tons of drinking--enough to try to get the airline to ban Nate from getting on his flight. And I should mention that this was on Tuesday Dec. 27th, starting at 2pm. I think it officially ended at midnight. But on a Tuesday, in the afternoon? Yep, that's just how we roll.

First of all here’s a picture of us all drinking at two in the afternoon.

From left to right:
Jeff aka Smitty aka Hakuna Matata.
Andy aka Holland aka A-Hole.
Matt aka M Grizzle aka Giraffe.
Nate aka Jollymon aka The Rancher.
Peter aka Pedro aka SanFran Sports Man.

Jeff Smith Shining Moment of the Night #1:
After a failed attempt to get our waiter’s attention, we decided to try to yell out his name. Not knowing his name, we all put in our guesses. I think Nate said his name would be Brian, I voted for Ken, but it was Jeff who correctly guessed Steve. His was so confident in his guess that he just yelled out “Hey Steve” and the waiter turned and gave us a surprising look, for his name WAS Steve. Bravo Jeff. (Steve in the orange shirt.)

Jeff Smith Shining Moment of the Night #2:
After hearing the Andy Holland “Tiff(any Amber) Theisen Story” Jeff decided why not try to look up her number by calling 411, or information, or whatever in Los Angeles. Andy had Miss Kelly Kapowski’s old cell number, but I guess she changed it recently (without calling Andy). Jeff could only get a listing for “S. Theisen,” decided that was close enough to T.A. Theisen, and left a message telling “Sarah” to tell “Tiff” to call Andy on his new Seattle cell phone number. Bravo, again, Jeff. Bravo.

Gotta love the random people you meet at a bar.
This is Frank aka Frank the Tank. A random old dude who hopped into a picture, chatted with us for an hour or two, played some competitive darts, and had a grand old time. Jolly gave him his business card from D.C. Frank and his wife are going to be visiting the nation's capital soon and might spend a night or two on Nate's couch. Or at least go out for a beer. Nate, let us know how that turns out.

Random people, part two.
This is Susan aka Suze. She is also a UO Alum, just like the five of us. She fancied Peter, although she thought he was a little young. Peter fancied her although he thought she was a little too much like his Aunt. Despite their differences, Peter got a hickey. (First Suze with Nate, then with Pedro.)

Later in the night, we ran into Kristin, a friend of Peter's, who was with a bachelorette party. Well of course we went with them when they left Kells to go to Ringlers. But I was unaware that Peter was holding a pint glass as we left. I’m not sure he remembered stealing it either; he was a little bit intoxicated. Long story short, I now own a Kell’s pint glass.

More pics of the night:

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Saturday Night Lame

So, Jolly posted a clip from SNL on his blog, and I was going to make a quick reply, but it got too long. So I am making in a blog post here.

Is anybody else a little disappointed with newer SNL cast members? I loved watching the show in recent years, but a couple things make me not that worried when I miss an episode.

I hate the guest hosts reading from the cue card. Especially the famous actors. You demand $10 million per film, but you can remember your lines for a four minute sketch?

The show gets less and less funny every year. The funny male cast members have left the show, and the male cast has always dominated the comedy of the show. Since Sandler, Spade, Ferrell, Fallon, Meadows, Morgan and Kattan have left, there isn't a strong cast to hold it up. Fred Armisen, Will Forte, Chris Parnell and Seth Myers are the main cast in my opinion, but none of them has that demanding feature about them. I think Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler are good, but not great. Horatio Sanz is lost without Jimmy Fallon (Gobi without Jarret). And if Darrell Hammond leaves, then they lose they're only veteran with real talent (record-setting 11 SNL seasons).

I feel that this Andy Samberg guy was brought in to be the next Sandler--being kookie, a little aloof, singing songs. Bill Hader is brought on to do impressions and be the next Fallon. Hader nailed an Al Pacino voice in an early episode this season, but looked nothing, NOTHING like him. (Speaking of Fallon, on his "Best of Fallon" SNL dvd, there is a 5 minute montage of his best impressions. Truly amazing how many voices/personalities he can do. Robin Williams, Chris Rock, Seinfeld, Sandler, Gilbert Gottfried, many others, not to mention singing like other people.)

I think they only keep around Finese Michell to do impressions of Denzel and Donovon McNabb. And only keep around Keenan Michell to do impressions of Donovon McNabb's Mom and Bill Cosby (wait, he can't do Cosby anymore since he did that Fat Albert movie). Ratchel Dratch just plain isn't funny.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Back with a Vengeance

Three topics for you today.

First is an advance warning on a cd that doesn’t come out until March. The rappers name is Rhymefest. He’s friends with Kanye. I downloaded his single off of iTunes called “Brand New.” Listen to it. It’s similar to Kanye’s style. Sampled, light (not aggressive rap), clever rhymes:

Now some women hit the mall and some shop at the thrift store
Some of 'em mix and match and make it look like they get more
Some of y'all know you wear a sixteen - squeezin' into a six
Damn - what you make them jeans rip for?

He actually wrote part (most?) of Kanye’s “Jesus Walks,” which was arguably the hit off the first cd that sent ‘Ye into every white boy and girl’s mp3 collection. (Yes there were a few white boys like me who had him back in 2003. Jolly, too.) But I just find it odd for a rapper to have a ghostwriter. I mean, I know that Whitney, Mariah, Britney, heck even The Spice Girls didn’t write all they’re lyrics (Ashlee Simpson does, which is why her lyrics are trite, but that’s another blog). But most rappers have the whole “feat. Jay-Z” thing where they let the other guy have a verse on the song. But Rhymefest hid in the shadow on a huge song and let Kanye sing and take credit for the rhymes. I mean Ryhme got a Grammy and didn’t sing or even have a recording contract! Ah well, now Kanye’s hooking him up. S’all good as long as everyone gets paid.

Hey guys I don’t mean to brag, but I’m the 64th best blog in Portland. Or maybe I do mean to brag. Ha, anyways, I have no idea what this site really is, but JJ found it searching for me on google. Maybe a better question is why my roommate is internet-stalking me…

Drink it Down
Okay so I have a business proposition. Although I have no market knowledge, no funding, and no bottling/distribution/promotion connections, I want to create, bottle, and sell a new specialty liquor. I’m thinking a very high end, smooth whiskey. What’s the name of my whiskey you ask?… Confidence. Confidence in a bottle.

So next time you’re at a bar, and you’re eyeing an attractive lady but you're a little too timid, walk up to the bartender and say, “I’ll have a shot of Confidence!” Pour it. Pound it. And go talk to her, Andy.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What's new pussy cat?

Woah woah woah woooahhhooooahh.

I'm still alive. I've just been busy/lazy/haven't found something to blog about.

Soon. Soon.

Monday, November 14, 2005


I have been getting my hair cut at Supercuts for more than a decade, and I am almost always satisfied with their service. I have liked them for numerous reasons, some being:

1. They have lots of locations.
2. I can call in advance so that I don’t have to wait in line.
3. All of their employees know the same lingo and jargon (ie a #2 clippers is 2/8ths of an inch, #3 is 3/8ths, “scrounded in the back” is a mix of a square and rounded neckline trim). You might know what I’m talking about. You might not. All that matters is that the person cutting my hair does.
4. Lastly, all their employees are trained the same way at a Supercuts University (or something). They all have little degrees with their names posted next to the mirror in front of you while you sit.

For these reasons, I have been happy with my haircuts and with Supercuts in general.

That being said, I had the scariest haircut of my life on Friday. No joke. The end result was a normal haircut, but the means to the end were horrific. My blood pressure was the highest its ever been. I actually ran out of adrenaline. She seemed normal enough at first. The only employee working in an empty Supercuts on a Friday at 7pm.

She was polite enough, but I should have seen the little clues. Forgetting to put an apron on me before she almost started buzzing my hair. Losing the scissors twice. Asking me questions, only so she could jump in and tell me her answer. Apologizing for missing some spots and saying she’ll go back over them a second time. Flipping out/spaz-answering the phone when a customer was calling. Attacking my hair with her scissors, using what I have named the “swoop and clip full-arm cut” instead of a gentle squeeze, as the scissor manufacturers intended. Turning the chair so I was not facing the mirror. I COULD NOT SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING!

Near the end of the cut, after several panic attacks and a mild heart attack, I saw her Supercuts Diploma. First, let me say that I saw it because the chair wasn’t pointed at the mirror, but at a ninety-degree angle. Second, and most importantly, the date on the diploma was October 21, 2005. Yep that’s right. I got a rookie, two weeks out of school. Maybe that’s why she was working the crappy Friday night shift. I should have put all the pieces together quicker.

You know how in movies they say “the names have been changed to protect the innocent?” Well, I’m not changing her name. I want to help protect the innocent. Her name is Karolyn Jones. She cuts in the back left corner of the Beaverton Town Center Supercuts. She has squiggly brown hair. Beware.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a sketchy cut at this specific Supercuts. I’ve only complained about this location. The other location in the area (185th and Walker) is excellent. Never made a complaint. Maybe they recruit the good hairdressers to the 185th store? I don’t know. Another weird coincidence is that the Burgerville one hundred yards from the bad Supercuts also has a bad track record. They are a Burgerville that trains new employees for the Portland area, and consistently takes forever and messes up orders. Long story short, stay away from Beaverton Town Center for all food/shopping/service needs.

Monday, November 07, 2005

4 Facts You Need to Know to Survive

Coca-cola is the puppet master and I am their puppet. Coke is discontinuing Vanilla Coke in the next few months (I think by the end of 2005!). How can they do that to me?! They introduce a flavor I like, that I love, and then snatch the bottle away from me. No more Diet Vanilla or Diet with Lemon, either. Corporate bullshit if you ask me.

They are going to replace Vanilla in the spring with New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. So I guess that okay, combining the forces of Cherry and Vanilla to make a new super cola. But I don’t like the arrogance and authority they nationally exercise.

And here’s another thing. The most recent Coke contest rewarded one in four bottle caps with a free liter bottle of Coke. A liter. A LITER. Think about that---a liter. How cocky is that? They give away a prize that A) no store carries in stock B) doesn’t fit in your car cup holder and C) is too bulky to carry around. Plus, who the hell drinks a whole LITER at once?

Those one in four contest are the devil. They could introduce New Broccoli Coke and I’d try it, as long as I was told that it was NEW, that it tasted good, and that I had a one in four chance of winning another New Broccoli Coke.

Anyway, New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke will soon be released with some type of sale or contest… one in four wins a free coke, or a trip to the final four. And I won’t want to, but I will try it. Dance, Matt, DANCE!!!

Being called by your given name, instead of your common name, sucks. Being called by your given name nine times within one minute by a complete stranger sucks forty fold. It angers you, it frustrates you, and it makes you want to yell at the person speaking.

Apparently this is the goal of the Wells Fargo branch located on NW 185th. They are trying to lose customers by over-personalizing the banking process. Every sentence the girl said to me either began with Matthew or ended with Matthew. Or both began AND ended with Matthew. (Grandma Giraffe doesn’t even call me Matthew. Nobody does. Seriously, nobody.)

I was a little T-O-ed when Safeway started ending the checkout process with “Thank you Mr… ahhhhh… Graff. You saved… ummm… 11% today.” Now I only wish, hope, and pray that Wells Fargo reverts to this single-name-identifying strategy. From now on, I’m using the drive through ATM for all banking needs. No more humans.

Alarm clocks are not your friend. I’m working again. Well, I’m freelancing, actually. This is kind of a good way of easing myself back into the working world. But let me tell you, sleeping in almost every day of the week is something that I am going to miss. Unemployment does have an upside, and it is called Sleep. I can’t even begin to find the value of planning to wake up “oh I don’t know, some time between nine and noon, probably.” Stupid alarm clock.

Motor tricycles are going to be all the rage in 2007. Don’t ask me why I know. Don’t ask me how I know. Just know that I know. And remember 16 months from now, that you read it here.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


So last night, JJ and I were waiting to turn left at a stoplight, and the girl in the car next to us totally picked her nose..... AND ATE IT! She dug deep. She really got in there good. She picked, then she licked. She picked and licked. And let me tell you, JJ was grossed out. Seriously sickened by the whole event. I wasn't as disgusted, but then again, I was driving and wasn't right next to her car.

And I thought, why didn't she disguise it? She could have covered with the other hand, right? Why didn’t she wait until she got somewhere more private, like at home or in a bathroom? Maybe she thought she WAS safe in her car. I mean I’ve gotten caught singing in the car, and that’s a little embarrassing. Being caught gold-mining must be ten times worse. But you dig your own grave. (Pun alert—DIG your own grave. Get it? DIG! *insert rimshot*)

So I did some quick research, I mean I am working right now, but I found this site that has some stats from two studies of “rhinotillexomania,” the fancy name for nose-picking. 8% of people say they’ve never picked, those liars. And 8% admit to the pick and lick. So now you know. Every time you’re at a stoplight, look to the car next to you. There’s an 8% chance that they’re a picker/eater. That means you’re idling next
to a picker/eater once every twelve lights. One in twelve. Now all you have to do is wait, watch, and catch them in the act. And then honk honk honk point point point.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Slicing and Dicing

So I carved some pumpkins with my brother Chris. Here's how they turned out. We have Pocket Aces, Mike from Monster's Inc. and, what else, a Giraffe.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Let's play Dress-Up

Okay, so Halloween is coming up in a couple of days, and I'm trying to figure out what costume to wear this year. Last year I was a toilet.

Here are some ideas on my list so far:

1) A U of O Graduate--pretty much a hippie with a tassle
2) Foosball (Table Soccer) Player--one of those small red or blue guys attached to the pole
3) A trucker--mullet, Ashton hat, and a cut-off flannel shirt
4) UPS Delivery Guy--I did this one five years ago, but I would add the tight brown shorts and thigh-high socks this time

So, what are your thoughts? Or do you have any other ideas? Or cool ones you've seen at a party?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Flat Tire Blues

No “flat tire” story ever goes this:

“So I was driving on a mildly warm Saturday afternoon, when I got a flat. I said, ‘Gosh darnit. Fricken A.’ Luckily I was next to parking lot, and I pulled in. By pure luck, a AAA truck guy was eating lunch in his truck, I waved him over, and he happily agreed to help me. Whole thing took five minutes, tops.”

Not that there’s anything over the top about that story. No Playmates were involved, no findings of a fifty-dollar bill or winning scratch-it tickets.

It’s just that in my experience, changing a tire doesn’t involve sunny weather (or daylight for the most part), quick response of AAA (if called), or an adequate shoulder to pull off a freeway. It is a time-consuming process that happens at the worst time and gets your clothes dirty. And it usually involves a small amount of swearing.

I’ve had a few bad ones:

1) The time back in high school when I got a flat on the first day of owning my car. And having learn how to change a tire for the first time, on gravel and on a hill nonetheless.

2) The time I had a blowout on I-5, pulled over to the gravel shoulder, had a RATTLESNAKE greet me while I was lying on the ground! Yeah that was fun. Not to mention semi trucks blazing by at 70 mph three feet from me. Always a safe feeling.

3) The time we were driving to our Wednesday night poker game on a rainy night in Eugene. I pulled into a Red Lion parking lot to change a tire in the rain and got drenched. Had local rent-a-cops, Securitas, question what I was doing. What does it look like I’m doing at nine at night in the rain under my car with a jack and a lug wrench? F U Securitas. Oh and having Kirk, Jolly, and Hocka watch me change the tire in the rain. I don’t know if I ever thanked you all for your help.

4) So that brings us to last night. JJ and I drove to our casino, Chips Casino, up in La Center, WA. (Talk to Will, mention our names, and he’ll hook you up.) Anyways, it’s 2am and we’re on the highway a quarter-mile heading out of town and we hear “that noise.” Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Awwww fuccccckkk.

Nowadays, I have AAA, for situations just like this. We call and then say they can probably be there in an hour. I decide that I’m too tired and impatient to wait that long, turn them down, and try a go at it myself. After getting out the jack, cranking down the spare from under the car, and all that stuff, I find that my new Explorer has independent rear suspension, not your regular wheel-and-axle setup. Well crap, I don’t know exactly where to put the jack, and I don’t want the car crashing down on me, so fuck it. We drive back a quarter-mile to the casino, park in front, and wait an hour for AAA. Didn't get home until after 4am.

But there is some good news to this story I guess. JJ went back into the casino to play Pai Gow for that hour, and won back most of the money he lost earlier playing poker. And today, Les Schwab Tires didn’t charge anything to fix the hole in the tire. Les Schwab rocks.

Giraffe. What.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Hoop Dreams

So I started a basketball team at my family's athletic club, the SAC. The team is composed of JJ and Terry (my roommates), Brian (college roommate), Houston and CD (old co-workers), Bryan and Jack (highschool friend and his friend), and myself. The eight of us are LOS WOMBATS.

Last night was our first game. This week, some people had some conflicts. One had to work, one had family in town, one was on vacation, and one had concert tickets. That left only four of us to play the game. Terry, Jack, CD, and I were ready for the challenge.

Not only was the other team younger than us (young college-aged guys), but there were nine of them. We played them four on five AND THEY HAD FOUR SUBS. This didn't phase us. After some positive thinking, strategizing, and successful practice shots, we were ready for them.

Two minutes into the game, we let 8-5. That's right youngins, you are about to get whooped by four random dudes.

Long story short, we lost 95-42. In a 50 minute game, we couldn't compete with one less man and no subs. I was happy with my playing. I made some good shots, some good passes. I made 3 of 4 foul shots. I decided not to dunk this game. I didn't think it would be the right thing to do at a family athletic club. Maybe next game. I pretty much played my ass off and carried this team.

The other guys on my team played well too.

Also, we have sweet green and white reversible jerseys.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I like cookie dough

#1. They are making an OC video game. Repeat: Attention Jolly, Attention Pedro: AN OC VIDEO GAME. No more waiting for Marissa to hook up with her girlfriend. No more waiting for Seth to sail to Portland on the Columbia. No more questioning if Ryan is the father; you can create the baby's mamma drama with the new OC video game! The article says that it will be like The Sims. Bonus-- you can create your own character! I'm making my character look like Jolly, giving him a nickname "The Falcon," and seeing how the OC treats him, bitch.

#2. Phase one of DeckFest 2005 is done. I will be staining it tomorrow, and then ripping apart the other side on Thursday. At least it looks like a deck now. And look at that kick-ass bench I made. Easy on the eyes, easy on the ass.

#3. I forgot how much I like eating cookie dough. Back in college, Kirk and I would buy those Tollhouse ready to bake cube cookies, and then just eat them. Ahhhh, soooo goood.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

All Decked Out

Oh man. Building a deck by one's self is a long, hard process.

Seriously, I've put so many hours into this deck, and all it looks like is open and airy framing. Tomorrow morning I start laying the actual cedar decking that goes on top of all the digging, leveling, measuring, cutting, hammering, and framing. I've done 80% of the work, but the last 20% is the part that makes the deck look like, well, a deck. Here's what I have so far...

And that is only the first half of the project! I have 500 sq feet down, 400 sq feet to go.

So, if anyone who lives in Portland wants to lend a couple hours of help in the next couple weeks (this means you--Brian, Andy, CD, Kool-Aid, Houston), my mom said she'd make some spaghetti or order a pizza. Beer could maybe be arranged with ample notification.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Four-Day Weekend Randomness

Wow. What a busy weekend. Went to Salem on Friday and went golfing. Went to Corvallis on Saturday to the OSU-PSU football game. Went up to Washington to go golfing on Sunday. And then stayed in town today and helped demolish my parents deck today. Anyway here are some random thoughts...

Two words I realize I say incorrectly, but do nothing to correct them:

TENNA SHOES-- Tennis shoes. I guess the "S" at the end of tennis gets lost in the mix? And I use this term for all athletic shoes. I don't think I own an actual pair of tennis shoes, but b-ball shoes, running shoes...

McMINIMUM'S-- McMenamin's. A local family chain of cool restaurants, movie theaters, and bars. We actually know the McMenamins, but I always say it wrong, and Houston has called me on in, multiple times.

So I went to QFC, a grocery store, around midnight and bought a) a 12-pack of Pop-tarts and b) a 20-oz Vanilla Coke, the Coke to drink now and the 'tarts for breakfast in the car early in the morning. The check out girl Jacqui, a blonde ditz, asks if I found everything okay, I say "yep, just the essentials." And then she scans the 'tarts and says in a loud, disgusted valley voice, "Ooo gross, Pop-Tarts are soooo disgusting." What? Since when are the grocery checkers told to give positive and negative feedback about customer purchases? It just ticked me off. I am thinking of saying something to the manager.

Lastly, OSU might not have a winning football program this year, but they finally have a real football stadium. And not one made of metal bleachers! Not saying I jumped ship, I'm a duck goddamnit. But Reser Stadium finally looks good. Luxury suites, two levels of seating, and the student section running the entire length of the field.

...okay and I know that unimployed people don't really have weekends, let alone three-day weekends, but this one felt like a four-day weekend.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Lightning Striking Again!

Did ya see it? Did ya? On ESPN2, "The Dos"? Did you see it? Cause I did. I saw hope. I saw the hope of a winning season. So you did see my boys, the Ducks, out there whooping some tail in Texas.

Did you see my boy, Martinez, and his golden foot? You know I've always been talking about how reliable he can be in the clutch, don't you? Well, did you see how his right shoe kept the Duckies in the game the first half? How he scored five field goals, tieing a school record? Heck, I think he hooked that one just so that he could share the record. That's how nice a kid my boy Marty is.

Did you see my boy, Stewert, straight outta middle school? The kid's so young he has to drive with a parent sitting shotgun. Yet he hoists up three linebackers up on his shoulders, carries them downfield, and turns a 5 yard push up the middle into a 33 yard strongman competition.

Did you see my boys, the receivers? My boy, D-Will, getting 130+ yards, but come on we all expected that. My boy, Colvin, stepping up as a sophmore. That's De La Salle High School for ya, they teach them boys how to play. (By the way, he's my boy also cause we both were born in Pittsburg, Cali. Pre-school in Oakland, represent, what.) And my boy, Dante, caught a TD. He stepped up from the backfield to a tight end in this new offense (really? okay, i guess everything is a little wierd with nine receivers lining up at once).

And I know you saw my boy, Clemens. Did you see his 348 passing yards? And his team leading 72 rushing yards? His two TD passes sans interceptions? Seriously, zero INT-s, none. Heck, he even let his little buddy Dixon do the QB dive from the 1-yard line for the touchdown. That's just how my boy, Kell, is--unselfish. The only thing he didn't do was receive a TD pass, and I could swear I saw Bellotti trying to put him in as a wideout while Dixon was snapping. But Kell, you know him, he said, "Put J-Kent in. Coach, let's get Lil' Ernie a pass."

I've always said that Clemens kid was something special. Last year, every time he threw an interception (10) or got sacked (40), I would reassure whoever I was with not to worry, this kid still has a good year in him. Have faith, cause this he has vision. He can run. He can throw. He can lead. I've been saying all along, he's the next Joey Heisman.

(btw, what ever happened to my boy, Jason Fifeman?)

Friday, August 19, 2005

Blaze, Laser, and Blazer....

Okay so there's an article on today's ESPN Page 2 by Kieran Darcy about how he is fed up with reality television. He's sick and tired of the Corals and the Trishelles and watching them compete. When all he wants to see is a new version of American Gladiators. And I agree. I loved, LOVED, that tennis ball game, Assault. Contestants running, using the crossbow and the Nerf-zooka. Oh man. And a couple years back, USA would run repeats during the lunch hour. (Now, semi-unimployed people like Holland and I are left with only Dawson's or Charmed to choose from.)

So read this article on

Then sign this petition to bring American Gladiators back.

And then maybe post some of your fondest memories of the Gladiator Games. I know Peter loved The Gauntlet, and Jolly, do you remember the game where the crawl-raced upside down on that winding track thing? Ah man, that was great.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

A Change for the Better

Due to recent comments and concerns, the GiRAFFe blog will no longer be a personal documentation to my weekly thoughts and actions. In sponsorship with National Geographic Northwest (NGNW) and cooperation with Wikipedia, this blog will now feature weekly postings of pictures of and facts about giraffes.

The Giraffe (Giraffa camelopardalis) is an even-toed ungulate mammal, the tallest of all land living animal species. Males can be 4.8 to 5.5 metres (16 to 18 feet) tall and weigh up to 900 kilograms (2000 pounds).

Native to Africa, the Giraffe is related to deer and cattle, but is placed in a separate family, the Giraffidae, consisting only of the giraffe and its closest relative, the Okapi.

Giraffes are famous for their long necks which allow them to browse on the leaves of trees, and elongated forelegs (which are much longer than the hind legs).

For more information about giraffes, this week's links is Wikipedia, the online community's free encyclopedia.

Giraffa camelopardalis. What.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I FUCKIN need you more than evvaaarrr!

Oh Dan Finnerty, how we love thee. To catch everyone up, The Dan Band is a professional cover band that only sings songs originally sang by women. They have been in Old School and Starsky and Hutch as the wedding band and the bahmistfah (?) band. And when I say professional, I mean professional. This is no rag tag group of karaoke wannabes. We’re talking full band, backup singers, audio/visual presentation introduction, special effects (well it was just a smoke in a hairspray-like can, but still), and choreography, oh the choreography! And quite a few “fuckin!s” and “shit!s” thrown into the songs.

My roommate JJ and I met up with Andy and one of his ladyfriends. Now I was fortunate enough to buy the tickets early and JJ and I sat at a cabaret table in the front row right next to the stage. Oh how I wish these could be my seats for, I don’t know, a Brittney concert, a Spice Girl concert, hell even a Hillary Duff concert, but still, these were prime seats.

So Dan interacted with the crowd in between medleys, and at one point came over and talked to JJ. Asked his name, where he was from, and then dedicated the next set of songs to JJ--and then they starting singing some Salt n Peppa songs “Shoop” “Whatta Man” and so on. (Can I get some fries with that shake shake booty, if looks could kill you would be a FUCKIN cutie, your a shotgun bang, JJ what's up with that thang?")

Now Dan is a very good singer, he can easily carry a tune. But what is awesome is all the sexual gestures he does during some very innocent love songs. Crotch grabs, hip thrusts, the whole lot. His two backup singer guys were dressed like accountants--glasses, suits, looked very boring, but they were doing the cheesiest “backup singer” moves behind Dan. Whatever was appropriate to the song, like during “I’m a slave for you” there are two accountants trusting and acting like seductress slaves in the back, and during “Geenie in bottle” doing harem belly dancing.

This show has to go down as one of the best I’ve seen. Yes, I’ve been to a lot of concerts, with big name bands. But this low-budg, let’s have some fun, make some sex jokes, sing women’s songs, and make everyone laugh style was ridiculously awesome. I’m going to tell everyone I see in the next three weeks about this concert. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to share a concert experience so much.

They have a live cd out that you can buy from their website. I don’t recommend it though. The site says they have a dvd coming out this fall. You really need to experience both the visual and audible performance to enjoy the whole package. Go to the website, and there is an “extras” page with videos, watch them.

“Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m FUCKIN falling apart, nothing I can say, total eclipse of the heart.”

Monday, July 25, 2005

The reason...

Got a new driver's licence today (it looks much better in person).

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Just Call Me Tony MoHawk

So today was the big huge 10k Nike Run Hit Wonder in Portland! I was joined by Mike "Speedy" Houston, the Tim "The Cheetah" Messa, and Andy "Mac Truck" Holland. We all ran, we all lived.
Here are some images:

Friday, July 15, 2005

Because I've got a Golden Ticket...

I've got a golden chance to make my way. And with a golden ticket it's a golden day!!!!

So Drew and I just got back from the new Wonka movie. Go see it. It's good. Anything Tim Burton touches is gold, gold I tell you! Depp was pretty good. Maybe his character just seemed odd, but I guess he was good at being that odd character. He was better in Pirates, and Sleepy Hollow, and Fear and Loathing, and Donnie Brasco, and Eddy Scissors. But he was still good in this.

The umpa lumpas are way different. There songs are all modern and produced. I kinda like the old songs better. And not just the umpa songs, but the golden ticket song, and the way Gene Wilder was freaking everyone out with his song on the boat...Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing?

Okay but here are some thoughts on the trailers that we saw right before the new Wonka movie.

#1 STEALTH. This movie will suck. Oh no, the plane with the most destructive weapons ever has a mind of it's own! This is crazy. Good idea on paper, bad movie on the screen. It has Jessica Biel in it. Since she left Seventh Heaven, she's done what?--Blade 4? And Jamie Foxx filmed this before Ray, I heard. He should take his Oscar money, and pay for this movie to not be released. And back to the plane--How does it refuel? Can artificial intelligence apply for a Visa card and then use it at the pump?

#2 THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED. Golf movie from Disney, based on a true story. A child plays in the US Open. Preview looked good. Good date movie. Good family movie. This will probably go with Disney's list--The Rookie, Remember the Titans, and Miracle. My boy Shia LeBeouf plays the main character, and let me tell you, this kid is good. He played Louis Stevens, from the Disney Channel Series "Even Stevens." I loved that show, seriously. They shouldn't have cancelled it. Also, he was in I Robot, and my brother and sister said he was good in another Disney movie called "Holes." I never saw it, but I trust the sibs.

#3 WALLACE AND GROMMIT, THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT. New claymation movie. Same old great cast of Wallace, the inventor dude, and his trusty dog sidekick Grommit. Trailer looked awesome. If you liked their show, you'll like this movie. Shout out to my buddy, P. Dudd. This movie is for you.

And last but not least....

#4 Wanna Fanta? Dontcha wanna? Wanna Fanta. Wanna Fanta.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

What did the Giraffe eat today?

That's the topic of discussion all around the jungle. Hyenas are asking. Lions are asking. Those deer-like things with the pointy horns are asking. So, what is The Giraffe eating?

A whole lotta tortilla chips, top ramen, and PB+J (I think that's how peanut butter and jelly would be spelled if they opened an ad agency: PB+J).

So what is new in Matt's CD player?

"Be" The new CD from Common. If you've never heard of him, he's a Chicago rapper. Very lyrical, about real issues. His newest CD is produced by Kanye, so if you like Kanye-type beats, then you'll love this CD.

"Monkey Business" by Black Eyed Peas. Don't Phunk with Hockaday's Heart is a classic. There's a song where they sample Jack Johnson, kinda works, kinda weird, because it's a song from like two years ago. There's a song with a James Brown hook, very groovy. Buy this CD, it's good. Here's something I've wondered about BEP now that they have massive success: What do Taboo and Apl feel about their roles in the group. Will is the main singer/rapper/producer and dominantly raps almost all the songs. Fergie sings on all the tracks. So the other two rappers sometimes don't even get their voices on all the tracks. And if they do, they go "Baby girl you make me feeelll. You know you make me feel so reallll. I love you more than sex appealll." And Taboo, those are your only words in the single off the new album. I'm not knocking him, but back in the day he got one third of the rhymes, now he gets to rhyme Real with Feel and Appeal.

"Demon Days" Gorillaz. Feel Good Inc. is a good single. All Alone is another one. What I like is the idea that The Gorillaz is an animated band. All the music is made by Damon Alburn, former frontman of Blur, and the band and all visual materials are animated by Jamie Hewlett. Watch the video, seriously.

Hey Rancher, you ain't the only one who learned how to read. I recently finished "The Green" by Troon McAllister. It's a fictional golf story about the American captain of The Ryder Cup picking a golf hustler to play on the team. It's written very well; it's a fast read. If you liked any of the Rick Reilly golf books, you'll like this better. I'm buying a copy for my dad for his birthday next week. And Nate, unfortunately, the only picture is on the cover.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Onward and Upward

So last night I met with my buddy and advertising guide, Mike, and we had a good conversation about what I need to do to land the art directing job that I want to get. (You might have heard Mike's "Turtle Song"...he's kind of a celeb within the Portland ad community.) We looked at everything I already had in my portfolio, decided what worked and didn't work, what needed revising, and what needed to be removed. I really respect what Mike has to say, because he went through this whole process a year or two ago.

What it seems like I need to do is totally immerse myself in improving my book by reading layout and typography books, cutting out cool illustrations in magazines and pinning them up on a wall, thumbing through the advertising annuals, people watching, and just overtime-working the creative parts of my mind.

You may be asking, "But Matt, how will you be able to make car payments, college loans, and rent without having a job?" Well, starting in a week, I will be collecting unimployment checks. This last for up to six months until I find work. The checks are not quite, but almost enough to cover most of my monthly bills, so while looking for work, I'll use the next few months to remake my portfolio. I also might be able make a couple bucks from my parents by rebuilding their deck. And then there's always online poker. So we'll see how the next few months go.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Sleeping in and then playing some X-Box

So, guess what?

I ain't got no job. As of Monday, I was "let go" from the ad agency I was working for. Financially, it sucks because I need to pay bills. Job-hunting-wise, it sucks because the market is hard to get into.

But I'm keeping a positive outlook for now. I wasn't doing exactly what I want to be doing in my career. I was doing more execution and production work and not the more creative and problem solving part of the process. But I was learning. This was one of the reasons my boss decided to let me go. He didn't want me getting stuck and trapped doing the production role.

We'll see what happens. Right now I'm evaluating what I want to do. I'm going to talk with all my contacts at different agencies and then take it from there.

Also, I'm running a lot lately. I need to train for the Run Hit Wonder. Already lost seven pounds. Boo yah!

More to come about the job later....

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I'm on holiday

Going for a week with The Fam to Eagle Crest, a SunRiver-ish / Black Butte-ish resort out near Redmond, Oregon. I hope to get a lot of reading and writing and running and golfing done while I'm there. My dad and sister are bringing their laptops, so hopefully I can get a few posts in. Hope there is a ethernet hookup somewhere there. Maybe one about my one year anniversary since graduating--a year in review as a real adult.

Happy graduation Andy. Sorry I couldn't come down.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Run with Sporks pointed down

Okay, so I'm sorry that I didn't post the next day. (And I thought the useage of swear words was a little harsh.) Apart from my brother's middle school graduation, my sister's high school graduation, a whole bunch of family stuff, my first advertising campaign where I get to be the art director, and my 23rd birthday, this weekend was pretty busy.

With that said, y'all need to fly out to Portland for the Nike Run Hit Wonder Drew Willis, Messa, and Jolly ran it last year. And they can tell ya it was awesome! Running to the music of 80s reject bands. And then after you run 10k (6.something miles for you Americans) you get to drink a beer and listen to Devo. Yeah!!! So fly out and join me running. Jolly you in?

Okay, lastly I've always wanted to get this in print, so here it goes. Back in high school my buddy Jeff Herbage and I were on a ski lift when this dialogue happened: "Dude, it's f***ing cold!" "You know what would be awesome right now?" "Hot chocolate." "Yeah, okay, but I was thinking strippers up here with us." So then and there J Herb and I thought up our line of Matt and Jeff's companies starting with our "Ski lift Stripper Gondolas--winter transportation and Entertainment."

From there we came up with a new sport "Putt Putt Bowling (or maybe Bowl Bowl Golf)" where it's like normal bowling except with putt putt obstacles--windmills, moats, clown's mouths, and lanes that bend and you have to bank your shot.

Another idea was to open a nice sit-down restaurant called "Sporks" where you receive a spork and knife. And I'm talking full on metal spork. I've never seen any spork except the plastic 3rd grade lunchroom untensil. These metal sporks would kick so much ass that people would steal them. And while we at Sporks don't condone or promote theivery, we do understand.

These are just a few ideas for "Matt and Jeff's" combination companies. If any of y'all have any ideas for combining two things into a singular store or service that Jeff and I can use, you are encouraged to post them.
Aight. That's all.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Quick hit and then back tomorrow

I was waiting until someone posted a post telling me to blog. Thanks Rancher.

So I moved this last weekend Sunday-Tuesday. I just got Comcast set up just now, kind of. Internet acting up. Phoenix just lost, dammit. And Steven A. Smith is yelling at the video camera. He needs to learn to just talk. Anyway, real post coming soon. It might involve a spork! Stay tuned.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

May The Force Be With...a whole bunch of nerds

So I just got back from Star Wars Revenge of the Sith. Midnight showing opening night. Drew, Mare, and I were in the huge theater with 500 nerds. Mike and Ian were in the next screen over. Costume contests, light-up light-saber spoons, and $4 bottled water. Cheering at intro music, wookie groans, and jedi jokes. Ah what an evening.

All in all, the movie was pretty awesome. Good fights, a little bit better action, no Jar Jar. Definitely see it. Maybe twice. Okay, off to get five hours of sleep.

Oh also, I just bought Mitch's (RIP) first CD "Strategic Grill Locations" from 2002. He tells the ant joke "I got an ant farm, but those guys don't farm shit." But he hasn't invented the "plus if I rip off your leg you'll look like snowmen" part yet, which he says is the part he added on "Mitch All Together."

Monday, May 16, 2005

Cashing Out

So my sister gave me guff and reminded me that a functioning blog needs continuous entries. I guess I got lazy and kind of half forgot / half neglected writing an entry. Here’s a Matt update (a Mupdate?).

One thing that I am currently thinking to do is to stop playing poker. I think I’m going to go on a temporary hiatus for a month or three and then evaluate what I want to do. So far in the 136 days of 2005, I’ve played poker for 216 hours. That averages to one hour and thirty-six minutes per day. I’m not sure I’m the same person who 22 months ago liked to figure out the strategy and be the cool guy that plays poker. I still like aspects about it, and I did F-ing own Johning F-ing Chan at the WSOP. I just feel there are other things I want to do that the time might service better. The activities include:

Writing and Reading- I someday hope to write a movie. I have purchased some novels and collections of modern short stories. I need to read them. I also hope to start writing some short stories, creating some characters, and see how things go. Two friends from high school who I had BITD (back in the day) talked about making movies with are graduating now and I need to be proactive if we’re ever going to do anything.

Music- For a period of three or four months my junior year of college, I started playing my roommate Brenda’s piano. I played for many years as a kid and felt I was forced. Now, I actually want to play. Those few months were fun, and then in late October my roommate broke my leg. I had a hard time getting up and down the stairs and couldn’t get to the piano, and then I got sidetracked and lost my desire to play. But the desire is back, and today I went and looked at buying a guy’s used piano.

Sports and Exercise- Sitting on my ass for an hour and a half every day for the past 22 months playing poker seems to have taken up time that I played sports (which did include semi-professional neighborhood croquet for two years. When Brian moves back to Oregon, he, Kirk, and I need to have a rematch battle royale). Anyways, the year before Brian broke my leg, I had trained all summer for the Hood to Coast distance relay race and had taken multiple tennis, basketball, and running PE classes. I just remember feeling so healthy. And I never got sick, not even sniffles.

So that’s about it. To wrap up: No poker for a bit. More reading. More writing. Maybe a piano (note to new roommates JJ and Terry: a digital piano, the kind where I can plug in headphones). And more sports and running. And more blog postings. Oh yeah, and in two weeks I’m moving in with two buddies, JJ and Terry, who live up in the Sylvan Hills, like halfway between Beaverton and downtown Portland.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Oh Cold Pizza, that's just cold

So here's my morning routine. Alarm goes off at 7:00, 7:09, 7:18, and 7:27 (and sometime 7:36). I take a shower, and then I watch Sportscenter/Cold Pizza while I get ready (until 8:00). Go downstairs and pack my bag/eat breakfast/watch more sports until 8:20 and leave for work.

So a couple of weeks ago, I think the co-hosts of ESPN2's Cold Pizza, Kit Hoover and Thea Andrews died. I can't otherwise rationally explain where they went. Kit, I could have done without. She was entertaining, but Thea was a good announcer/journalist/good-looking lady (I noticed no ring--I think she's available).

All of a sudden the bring in this new lady, with a weird haircut. I don't even know her name. only has info about Jay, Woody, and Skip. So they canned Kit and Thea, brought in weird hair lady, and every once and a while Linda Cohn does the show for a few days. Not that I don't like Linda, because I do, it's just that it looks like Cold Pizza can't make a decision/has no faith in their female co-anchors. I hate when shows do this. Switching up the talent without explanation like I'm not going to notice.

If anyone knows what happened to Thea, let me know. And if she is unimployed, I might be able to offer her a summer internship as my assistant. It's unpaid, though.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Rid's Kids

So lately I've been taking impromptu nighttime naps. I'm not planning these naps. They just happen and it's messing up my sleep schedule. And they're not the most comfortable naps either--they're kind where you wake up draped awkwardly on the couch and your neck has a hangover.

Now these have been happening mostly during the 6:00pm or 7:30pm NBA playoff games. And three times in the past week I've drifted off with my team ahead by double digits, only to wake up in the last minute or two of the game with my team barely holding a lead. Like the Mavs in Game 5. All of a sudden I wake up, have no clue what's going on, but T-Mac is shooting a freethrow, down 3 points, with 7 seconds to go. Tonight, I wake up with 45 seconds left to see Seattle win by 4. Somehow, my internal clock must be able to judge potential game-winning Sportscenter top plays and wake me up to watch them.

Also, let's give it up for my boy Rid today. Nice 18-foot jump shots off the dribble, nice assists, and what about the harlem globetrotters steal behind the back no look pass. That's my boy, Rid! And yes, "my boy", and not just because he was a duck too. I saw him at a party once, AND I talked to him once in a Business minor class. He missed the first day of class, and sat next to me on the second day in the back corner. The material sounded harder than it was (especially if you missed the first class) and at the 10 minute class break, Rid said to me "F*** this" and left. He never came back to class. He just walked out. We could have been friends. Could have been study buddies.

After we became best friends, he would have asked me if I thought he should leave college a year early for the draft. I would have supported his decision. And although I would stay my last year to get my degree, I would have moved in with him in Seattle after I graduated. I would have been the white guy in the third row at Key Arena wearing the baby blue Fubu track suit, not paying attention to half the game because I'm two-waying Sir Mix a Lot and Chopper from DaBand on my Tmobile Sidekick. Oh what? Hell yeah, we know Chopper. And we know Dylan too, but he's got a 'tude. That kid is just trouble, man.

I could have been a part of someone's Posse. Rid's posse-- Rid's Kids (that's what we would have called ourselves). Me, Nate Jolly, and Ben Lindquist--Rid's Kids.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Matisyahu, Hasidic Reggae, Mon

So I breifly saw this guy mentioned on Best Week Ever, I think in The Sizzler. Anyway, he's a Hasidic Jew Reggae Singer/Rapper/Beat Box. So you'd think that'd be funny right?

Wrong! He's actually really good. Seriously, he's good. Take a look. AND all the songs I found were live in concert--no studio effects to hide behind! So here's what I suggest:

1. Go to his site on and watch his full length music video. It's three minutes of your life you'll enjoy.

2. Go to where you can stream the full album. Click on the brown link in the middle of the page, above the "#1 Sumosonic". I recommend listening to the Beat Box track (along with the others).

3. Research about him at his website

4. Buy his CD at It's only $10. Seriously folks, represent.

Sorry Ladies, Conjugal Visits Not Allowed

Alright, this weekend Drew and I watched an E! True Hollywood Story Investigates show called “Love Behind Bars.” Just the title on the TV Guide Channel sparked my interest. Here’s the lowdown. I guess it’s common for nationally reported mass murders, many with life-sentences, to have people fall in love with them and contact them through letters and telephone. Some feel sorry for them and give support. Some believe they’re innocent and try to help. One lady got semi-brainwashed over the phone with a mass murderer and attempted to commit a copycat crime so that her man on the inside could be proven innocent (if the crimes were still being committed while he is behind bars)! Luckily she failed and then snapped out of it, but was sentenced for premeditated attempted murder! I wonder if she ever met the mass murderer she was trying to help on the inside.

Anyways, if you want to contact a prisoner here are a couple of them to look at:

Sandra from LA, convicted of transporting controlled substances, set for release in 2010, she enjoys art and literature.

Sherry from Sutter County, convicted of battery, 37 years old and looking to marry, she like computers, water sports, and candle lit dinners.

Lastly, Gregory from Dayton Ohio, he’s 23, likes traveling and a multitude of sports, incarcerated for robbery, goes by the nickname “DaPrince.”

Friday, April 22, 2005

Ancient History

So I found out today that some of my cereal boxes are obsolete. That the information on that two-year-old Rice-O-Roni is incorrect. That sugar isn't one of the food groups. And that I need to change the lyrics to my "Food Rap."

As of this week, there is no more Food Pyramid. There are now, like, twelve or something. And your Personalized Pyramid Plan is dependant upon the information you enter into their site: age, gender, exercise.

It's cool! They even have a special section where you can track your actual food calorie intake and physical activity. Or it least, it would be cool, but when you click on that link, the service is unavailable. I like the idea and effort though.

Crap it's 11:57PM and I only have 3 minutes to get in 3 more servings of vegetables and 2 serving of fruit. And one milk. Dang it, hold on. Day one, and I've already dishonored my Personalized Pyramid Plan, or my "Triple-P" as I like to call it.

So I was watching Making The Band 3 on MTV, and I realized a weird, possibly intentional similarity on these reality shows. It seems that these shows must require that at least one contestant has a parent who is on their deathbed or is fighting cancer (examples off the top of my head: Patty- Making the Band 3, mom is dying; Sarah- Real World Philly, mom is currently fighting cancer and is in keimo; Girl (name unknown) on America's Next Top Model, friend died... i'm sure there's more examples).

This might not be a new trend, but I'm just now noticing it, seems like 3 or 4 just this week! I'm starting to think that the casting agents on the show are looking for people with situations like this. If nothing happens, no biggie, they still have that person in the house or on the show. But if their tragedy happened, ie mom dies, then instant drama. The more I type, the more I think this is true. And that just seems wrong.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ice Capades

Do you remember the 2002 Winter Olympics? I do. And if you are like me, you were introduced to a previously unknown sport that unified and entertained every member of your household for a solid two weeks.

You talked about this sport with your friends. You explained the rules about scoring to your sister. You boasted how yes, it was silly, but you were sure you could easily make the Olympic team if you wanted, or at least take State. You might have even referred to this sport (and I use the term “sport” loosely) as Canadian Bowling, Frozen Shuffleboard, or That Rock Sliding Thing with the Sweepers with Brooms.

So tonight I went curling for the first time. And let me tell you something, it was all I hoped for and more. I met Portland’s own Evergreen Curling Club at the glorious Lloyd Center Mall Skating rink for and hour and a half of curling and sweeping education. No, there weren’t any ice skaters practicing routines while we played, but that could be a sport of its own, like dodgeball-skating-curling or something.

Anyway, they had teams playing their final league game on three of the courts and the club president taught us on the fourth court. We learned how to throw the stone, sweep the ice as the stone was moving, and play the game. Us rookies who didn’t have special curling shoe instead used duct tape on the bottom of one shoe for sliding when releasing the stone and when sweeping the moving stone. And a thing about sweeping- it warms up the ice a fraction of a degree and helps the stone both go farther and curve less. It has nothing to do with cleaning debris or smoothing the ice, like I had assumed.

The curling club members were all normal people or nerds. Not everyone was athletic, but everyone seemed to be having fun. All and all, I had a good time, and it only cost $5. Sadly, curling season is over until September. I need to get three buddies to form a team with me. We can make some real kick ass t-shirts.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

A child is born...

And he shall be named "Blog."