Friday, June 23, 2006

GrapeNuts and Bird Piss

They might as well call GrapeNuts cereal PixieGold, or UnicornFarts or RainbowFruit. Because those words are just a descriptive of the cereal as are the words "grape" and "nuts."

I was very dissapointed by the lies that Post Cereal includes in the naming of its cereal. GrapeNuts tastes neither like grapes, nor nuts. I don't think grapes and nuts are even ingredients in the cereal, which is total BS. A proper description of GrapeNuts cereal is this--CrunchySawdust. Taste and texture. CunchySawdust. I heard that is was the healthiest cereal, and now I know why. Because there isn't much fat, sugar, or any other "bad things" in sawdust.

Hey! Here's an idea! What if there was a cereal like Lucky Charms except instead of sugar marshmallow shapes it was different colors and flavors of jello jigglers? That would be awesome. And we could call it Jigglers. But we would have no affiliating with Jiggles Exotic Dancing in Wilsonville, or any strip club named Jiggles for that matter. It's a children's cereal, come on now. But wouldn't that be a fun cereal? Little jello cubes!

Do birds pee? I thought about this after a bird shit on my windshield. I've many times had birds shit on my car. But I've never seen a bird pee on cars.

I've seen a bird shit on a person while we were all standing outside for a fire drill in high school. I've killed two birds with the throw of a single rock, true story. But I've never seen a bird pee.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


I hate them. I want to kill the little bastards. Two legs, good. Four legs, good. Eight legs, bad. I don't think I've ever met something with eight legs that I've liked. It just seems unnatural. And they are vengeful mofos, you just wait and see. Piss off a spider and you're in for it.

Can I admit something to you? I'm a little bit afraid of spiders. I can handle most of them. I'll naturally stomp or squish with the best of them, but there's a point where that confidence and hunting instinct turns to fear. And that point is when the body of the spider gets to the size of a nickel, not the whole spider with legs, we're just talking the body. That's when those things, at least in my instinctual mind, turn from insects into animals.

And then they fight back. Spiders have big spider teeth that leave bites that bleed, that bleed badly. And they can climb up walks and jump like little ninjas. And I'm scared of little spider ninjas. At that point, maybe the spider and I can come to an agreement and share the apartment. But I will not do its dishes. Or laundry.

I don't like killing a spider that crunches when I squish it. Not the best feeling. You can kind feel and hear it at the same time, a weird mix of the senses. Not pleasant. Also, what about the sprinting spider that runs from the kleenex of death. And when you do kill him, he leaves a huge smear mark of guts and green spider blood. What a little f*cker. Now I have to clean the wall, you little bastard. Told you they were vengeful.

And you want to know what is the worst? When a spider is just chillin' on the wall, and you go to squish it with toilet paper, and just as you're about to get the bastard, he jumps. He supermans off the wall and falls behind the dresser in your bedroom. Shit. Now you have to worry about spider revenge. That's like doing a driveby and missing. Now you have a pissed off wall crawler in your bedroom. And he knows you tried to kill him. Now you have to worry about him rapelling down from the ceiling onto your bed at night. You'll wake up with you legs looking like chicken pox from all the spider bites you'll receive while you sleep. Damn spider vengence.

And what about the people with those spider vacuums. (Tangent: "Vacuum" is such a weird word. I misspell it almost every time. Doesn't it seem like it should be spelled "vaccum?") Spider vacuums--what is up with these? You're so afraid of spiders, that you're willing to drop eighty bucks on a hand-vac with a spider tray. I imagine the spider vengence in this situation is pretty high. Like if the vacuum doesn't kill them, they just live in the vacuum bag, waiting until you go do dump them in the garbage. But all the spiders in there have devised a plan. They've been waiting for the bag to open, and now they all jump at your face and bite your eyes. Or what if you get a nickel-body spider and he plugs up the vacuum hose because he's so big. And he's staring at you, like "you're so dead if I get out of this hose." That's why I don't have a spider-vac. I don't want to piss off the nickel-spiders.

The movie Arachnaphobia sacred me as a child.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Remove the Lens Cap

Last weekend I drove up to Tacoma for a wedding, and to Seattle to help my sister move back from college for the summer. Over the next few days, I’ll post some quick hits/random thoughts from the weekend:

What qualifies you to be a wedding photographer? From what I can discern, it doesn’t take much. You must wear your hair in a long ponytail. You must wear your sunglasses on top of your head while inside the church. You must wear sandals. You must hire your semi-hot girlfriend/wife as your assistant (who knows if she’s getting paid for this?).

(Sidenote: I thought she was pretty good looking. Dark hair, black shirt, tight black pants. One of those really tiny, but extremely sparkly nose ring stud-things. That lets you know she gets down.) Back to photographer requirements...

You must wear a very large hip bag/fanny pack with what I assume is extra film, batteries, and business cards (that’s called networking, bitches). You must squat/lay/kneel in the church aisle while taking pictures from every angle imaginable. No standing and snapping photos allowed.

So I think that’s it. Let’s review:
sunglasses in hair
girlfriend assistant who is a “7” or an “8,” nosering recommended
fanny pack
squat and shoot
Now you are a professional wedding photographer.

If you follow these guidelines, I am pretty sure that you will get tons of work. Don't worry; people won’t request to see your previous work, because look at you, you are clearly an experienced wedding photographer.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Oh, Mitch