Monday, November 07, 2005

4 Facts You Need to Know to Survive

Coca-cola is the puppet master and I am their puppet. Coke is discontinuing Vanilla Coke in the next few months (I think by the end of 2005!). How can they do that to me?! They introduce a flavor I like, that I love, and then snatch the bottle away from me. No more Diet Vanilla or Diet with Lemon, either. Corporate bullshit if you ask me.

They are going to replace Vanilla in the spring with New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. So I guess that okay, combining the forces of Cherry and Vanilla to make a new super cola. But I don’t like the arrogance and authority they nationally exercise.

And here’s another thing. The most recent Coke contest rewarded one in four bottle caps with a free liter bottle of Coke. A liter. A LITER. Think about that---a liter. How cocky is that? They give away a prize that A) no store carries in stock B) doesn’t fit in your car cup holder and C) is too bulky to carry around. Plus, who the hell drinks a whole LITER at once?

Those one in four contest are the devil. They could introduce New Broccoli Coke and I’d try it, as long as I was told that it was NEW, that it tasted good, and that I had a one in four chance of winning another New Broccoli Coke.

Anyway, New Black Cherry Vanilla Coke will soon be released with some type of sale or contest… one in four wins a free coke, or a trip to the final four. And I won’t want to, but I will try it. Dance, Matt, DANCE!!!

Being called by your given name, instead of your common name, sucks. Being called by your given name nine times within one minute by a complete stranger sucks forty fold. It angers you, it frustrates you, and it makes you want to yell at the person speaking.

Apparently this is the goal of the Wells Fargo branch located on NW 185th. They are trying to lose customers by over-personalizing the banking process. Every sentence the girl said to me either began with Matthew or ended with Matthew. Or both began AND ended with Matthew. (Grandma Giraffe doesn’t even call me Matthew. Nobody does. Seriously, nobody.)

I was a little T-O-ed when Safeway started ending the checkout process with “Thank you Mr… ahhhhh… Graff. You saved… ummm… 11% today.” Now I only wish, hope, and pray that Wells Fargo reverts to this single-name-identifying strategy. From now on, I’m using the drive through ATM for all banking needs. No more humans.

Alarm clocks are not your friend. I’m working again. Well, I’m freelancing, actually. This is kind of a good way of easing myself back into the working world. But let me tell you, sleeping in almost every day of the week is something that I am going to miss. Unemployment does have an upside, and it is called Sleep. I can’t even begin to find the value of planning to wake up “oh I don’t know, some time between nine and noon, probably.” Stupid alarm clock.

Motor tricycles are going to be all the rage in 2007. Don’t ask me why I know. Don’t ask me how I know. Just know that I know. And remember 16 months from now, that you read it here.


Folie said...

I love your blog man. I find the rants rather amusing. Also i couldnt agree more with Alarm clocks are not your friend. That statement is all to true.

War said...

Damn, I love Diet Vanilla Coke too...

holland said...

I agree on every count of this blogpost.

Alarm going off at 6:15 every morning is really starting to cramp my style.

J-Mon said...

Woah - the best coke of all-time is coke zero. It's like regular coke with all of the flavor but none of the guilt.

Boo-yah. And alarm clocks are your friend, you would miss all sorts of shit with out them. Although the internal alarm clocks certainly work like half of the time.

motorcycle tricycles? You gotta stop sniffing the coke mon. I dont care if it has a great vanilla aroma.

I cant remember your fourth thing but I am sure I disagree with that too.


Giraffe said...

What weird non-time-tested sugar substitute does Coke Zero use? And how long before they find that when they splenda-spin the calories out of sugar makes your intestines rot?

Coke Zero: none of the calories, ten times the cancer.

War said...

Coke Zero doesn't use splenda -- it uses the same stuff as Diet Coke I think. Coke Zero has actually been around in Europe for many years -- why they waited so long to introduce this glorious product to the U.S. of A is beyond me.

Giraffe said...

It uses some of the same stuff as diet coke (aspertame ie nutra-sweet) but also has acesulfame potassium, some weird accidental sweetener finding with one less electrons or something.

Regardless of its health risks, motorcycles are still prone to flipping and skidding.
Motortricycles 2007, what.

Kat said...

You can get Vanilla Coke at Dairy Queen any dang time. They put the Vanilla in themselves, so it doesn't matter if the company stops producing it!