Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Resume Attached

Most of you know that I am currently unemployed and looking for work. After spending hundreds of hours of the past few months watching DVDs, I’ve found a new calling. I recently sent out a resume. Here is a copy of the cover letter.

Dear Dan Glickman,
President and CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA):

We have never met, but I am writing you today to express my great interest in working for your organization. In this cover letter I want to call attention to some unique characteristics that I believe immediately qualify me for hire at the MPAA.

I have included two lists of references on my resume. The first list is of the standard style, including former teachers, coworkers and employers who will say nothing but praise about my work ethic. The second list contains friends and internet forum buddies with similar tastes in movies. I have included this second list because people say that I can rate movies with extreme accuracy—G, PG, PG-13, parents strongly cautioned, everything. No joke! Just yesterday I was commenting to my brother that the movie Kill Bill Volume 1 should probably be rated R. He checked the box, and it WAS rated R. Incidents like this have led me to apply for a position on the Ratings Board of the MPAA.

I believe that I am very qualified for the job of sitting in a private air-conditioned theater, watching a movie, and then discussing what rating it deserves with colleagues possessing similar skills. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am very good at identifying the reasons for a movie’s particular rating. I am skilled in identifying swear words, violence, drug use, and nudity to name a few. Especially nudity. I was just joking about that last one. But seriously, I can identify nudity. And WILL identify nudity, when rating movies for your organization.

When you scan my resume, you might notice my lack of work experience in the movie industry. While most of my previous work experience is in the advertising and electronic production fields, I do have experience relevant to the MPAA. You might also notice the gap in employment during the second half of 2005. To the naked eye, this might seem like a hindrance in hiring me, but I assure you I have used this time to practice my rating skills. For the past couple of months, I haven't considered myself unimployed. I have considered myself Movie-Watching Enabled.

Attached to this cover letter, I have included the lists of movies I’ve rented using my Three-At-A-Time Blockbuster Online subscription. As you see this includes the 103 movies I’ve rented online and the 29 I’ve rented at actual Blockbuster stores. I want to clarify that these are only the movies I’ve rented THIS YEAR, and those figures do not account for movies seen at the theater or DVDs borrowed from family and friends. This intensive movie-watching regiment has helped sharpen and polish my rating assigning skills ten-fold.

Lastly, let me say, that I personally think that your 1994 decision to split the Parental Guidance category into PG and PG-13 subcategories was a great move. I believe that this amplified revision of the ratings system has helped parents and legal guardians make better decisions in choosing acceptable movies for their children. Many friends and acquaintances of mine doubted the decision at the time, but I strongly lobbied for the PG split. When hired to serve on your Ratings Board, I want to speak with you about another PG split. I believe that here in 2006 we need to subcategorize again to PG, PG-11, and PG-14, but that’s a discussion for another time.

In conclusion, thank you for reading my resume, and I hope to speak with you soon. You can always find my contact information at my newly revised website MattGiraffe.com (a mirror of MattGraff.com).


AH said...

I hope you get the job.

J-Mon said...

I'd hire you. But the better question is... seriouslyhow do you get that job. I want that job badly now.


Nick said...

Unemployment is for losers...wait...hold on a sec. MA! The Meatloaf! What is she doing back there? Anyway, as I was saying, who needs a job?

The Mysterious Mike Houston said...

i hope to see the return letter or tape-recorded response from the MPAA posted on this site in the future