Monday, August 14, 2006

You've changed, change.

What am I talking about today? I'm talking about Currency. Coinage. Money. Cash. Chips. Cabbage. Green. Tender. Notes. Dough.

Quarters
So I'm paying for some fast food at the drive thru window, and I notice two new state quarters that I hadn't seen! One from 2006, the other from 2005 (Nebraska and Kansas). Not only have I stopped noticing the new quarters, I have also stopped collecting them. And I assume that you have too.

Do you remember those chart-like booklets/posters made out of cardboard that we all got a couple years back? The know the one. Where you push in the quarter so you can display the unique side for everyone to see its collecting splendor. (Except that you keep it in your sock drawer or in the back of the hall closet where nobody can see it.)

Who would have guessed that three years later, we all got ADCD (Attention Deficit Collecting Disorder) and forgot all about the quarters. Did we even make it halfway through? I don't think so. It sucks that I quit before my home states got their quarters. (Sorry Cali and Oregon, I tried.) (No, I didn't.) Damn the western states for waiting so long to join the union. I blame Meriwether Clark and his frequent rest-stop bathroom breaks.

Dimes
I have nothing bad to say about you, dime. Some might comment on how small and thin you are, but size doesn't matter little buddy. Keep on doing your thing.

Nickels

I think it's a little odd that nickels are twice as big as dimes, but worth half the value. That's a little messed up in my opinion. Shouldn't the coins size reflect its value? Like the bigger it is, the more the coin is worth. So in size it should go Quarter-Dime-Nickel-Penny. Maybe back in 1776, the Chief Officer of Coinage read the work order wrong and switched up the casting sizes and then tried playing it off as that's the way Ben Franklin wanted it. "G.W., I agree with you. There should be an orderly system, but you know B-Frank, he's one zany dude. Let's just go with the way the molds are now."

Also, I have here three new-ish nickels and all three of them have a different picture of Jefferson on the front. WTF? Are we doing pictorials on our coins now? So here's the rundown. There's the normal one where T.J. is facing the left. (This is the Old School T.J. coin.) Then there's this new one where he's facing to the right. (I don't understand why? Is this his "good side?") And then there's another new one where he's staring straight into my soul! (Also it looks like somebody or something is lurking the the background! Look out T.J., it's a ghost! Oh no! Maybe if you weren't so fixated on me, then you wouldn't have gotten attacked by a ghost with your back turned.)



Pennies
I hate to say this, but you need to go. You have no use. You take up space. You don't match the color of the other coins. You're all up in my grill, and you need to step off, holmes. Step off. You're only real purpose is to help distinguish between the Dollar Tree Store and the 99-Cents Store. Even Walmart rolls back in larger incredments these days. Seriously, you don't even buy a gumball or anything. All the people who could tell me stories of what you used to buy are dead. It's not just me, the other coins are talking, too. Sacagawea's been talking trash behind you're back since she got on the scene. I'm sorry to say it George, but you need to go. You're still on the dollar though, and that should be a relevant denomination for at least another ten years. Before we switch to the Euro.

Sacagawea
Nobody uses you. Nobody likes you. There is no secure space for you in my wallet, and I don't want you jingling and jangling in my pocket. You're not socially accepted. I feel like you were a clever idea our government had after looking at coins from other countries. And I'm not buying it. You're a knock-off. The only things that dispense you are stamp machines, which are pushers for the government. I vow to do everything in my power to reject your use.

Oh, and I noticed your ploy of showing a baby on your face side. That's pretty low. What's next, a puppy on the tails side?



Silver Dollar and Two-Dollar Bill
Just saying "Hey." Sup, guys? Haven't seen you in a while. Man, we had some good times. Birthdays! Remember my birthdays. Cards from Grandparents and other family members. Good times, good times. Yes, I started getting more money as gifts as I got older, but I would have happily accepted ten $2 bills instead of a $20. When I get older, I'm totally giving you as gifts to the next generation. Payin' it forward.
Half Dollar

Let me break it down to ya. This isn't easy to say, because I like you, but it needs to be said. You need to lose weight. You're just too big. You look like a quarter, which is cool, quarters are all the rage. But you're obese. You're like Quarter's fatter, older brother.

You don't carry well. You clog up vending machines. You are too hard to flip when calling head or tails. You're like the coin version of Jared from Subway circa 1999. I tell you this because I like you. You still have time to win me over. I'm not writing you off like the penny and that cocky bitch, Saca. You have some worth, especially as inflation goes up and we eventually drop the penny and the nickel. (Sorry nickel, you're next.)

So Halfy, eat some six-inch subs, man. Walk instead of taking the bus. Get your face on a tv commercial. Shed those fat pants. Do these things. Seriously. You're so money and you don't even know it.

4 comments:

Brick said...

Good post, dude, but you gotta do more research. Abe Lincoln is on the penny, not G.W.

I disagree with you about Saca. She's just misunderstood. On my last Vegas trip I took a pocketful of Squawbacks to use for tips. She's just trying to find her way and try to succeed where Susan B. and Dwight E. failed.

Also, pennies should not be eliminated. I agree they are useless, but their elimination would cause many charities to lose much needed income. I changed my mind. Pennies should be destroyed. Those fuckers are annoying. Also, when then half-penny was abolished 150 years ago, it was about equal in value to what a dime is worth today.

Also, our large number of currency denominations makes no sense. We should switch to the Vegas system:

Coins:

25¢
$1

Bills:
$5
$25
$100

Having a $5 bill and a $10 is just imbecilic.

Jones said...

Uhhh...my quarter book is all up to date. Does that make me a loser?

drew said...

Why do you hate Native Americans?

James Wood said...

Brilliant!

Thanks for saying what we're all thinking.

I also hate how the MAX vending machine dispense Saca's. One time I only had a $20 and I bought a $1.50ish ticket - wow 18 Saca's = about 33 pounds of metal in my pants. Thanks; my belt doesn't have enough work to do already.