The Jetta Effect

You may know that I like to invent words or sayings and then refer to them like people should know them. Like they are already common vernacular. For example, I invented the term “foaf” meaning Friend Of A Friend. Giraffe, can you please use that in a sentence? Yes. Last weekend, I went to a party at a foaf’s house and stole a chinchilla.

Anyway, back in college, I invented a theory or theorem (I never know the difference) which I named “The Jetta Effect.” It started because I have a habit of people watching, wherever I may be. And one of the most awkward times to stare at people is while they are driving a car. I tend to look at almost every driver that I pass on the freeway. And a lot of the time they will look back, and then we share awkward eye contact. Then I speed up and pass them.

I look for weird people, short people, hicks, grandmas, and most importantly, cute girls. After a while, I started to notice that cute girls drive Volkswagen Jettas. And I would get excited when about to pass a Jetta on the freeway. It is the single make and model of car that has the highest percentage of cute girl drivers. And so began The Jetta Effect.



The VW Jetta has all the right aspects that are attractive to girls that I am attracted to. It is small, but not tiny. It is cute, but still sporty. It is European, but does have room for junk in the trunk. It’s not too cheap, but not too expensive. It’s the baby bear—juuuuuust riiiiight.

The Jetta Effect has slightly higher than a 50% success rate in the target demographic, which tops all other makes and models of cars. Our demographic is 18-to-28 year old females, ranging from athletic to stuck-up. Most girls have shoulder-length hair or longer, mostly blonde and brunette or some kind of highlighted mix. Rarely black hair; I haven’t figured out why. Big sunglasses are common. So is rocking out to Top 40 radio. Don’t beat surprised to see rapping; this demographic likes their hip-hop. Some of these girls buy their Jetta with their own money, some are graduation presents, and some are just for daddy’s little girl.

So now that you are enlightened, next time you’re with your buddy and you pass a Jetta with a cute girl driving, you can say, “Jetta Effect.” And then explain my scientific findings, which actually aren't so scientific.



Oh, why The Jetta “Effect” you say? And not The Jetta “Rule” or The Jetta “Theory” or whatever... Well, “effect” just sounds better. It rolls off the tongue. I don’t want to get all grammatical on you, but the consonance and alliteration help it sound more awesomer.

Blazers for Free

Brian Berger from Sports Business Radio posted a blog about Comcast and the Portland Trailblazers creating a new cable channel that will broadcast most of their games. Here is my response to the new Comcast/Blazer channel:

I am a huge Blazers fan. I watched almost every single game last year, but I never attended one in person. I was able to watch 75-80% of their games from the comfort of my couch and 54-inch TV thanks to FSN and KGW.

In recent years, I used to go to 10-15 home games a year. Like many fans, rising ticket prices and the actions of the "jail blazers" caused me to be reluctant to spend my money on this organization. Lucky for me, the Blazers started showing more and more games on cable, which I already paid for. It was like getting more Blazers for free!

I always wondered whether broadcasting all these games was a good thing for the Blazers organization. As a fan, they were keeping me satisfied, but I don't believe they were making as much money off of me as they could. They didn't receive my spending money, because I was getting "free" games on tv.

The press release says that 81 of the 82 games will be televised. Plus, a lot of them will be in high-def. Next year, I will be getting 98.7% of the games for "free," since I already pay for cable and do not consider this an extra cost to me. I am happy about this, because I love the NBA, and I love having a hometown team to root for. But it's looking like the Blazers, for the second year in a row, will not directly receive even a dollar from my wallet.

Giraffes and Beer

Saturday was the First Annual Zoo Brew at the Oregon Zoo, here in Portland. It was a small-to-medium brew festival with maybe twenty local breweries. Most breweries came from Oregon, but a few from Washington, Idaho, and California (pretty much the states that snuggle up and touch Oregon).

Zoo Brew started at 5pm, and my ticket got me admission into the zoo, a special beer glass, and ten tastings. Additional tastings were $1 each. $5 gets you a full glass.

But the best part of Zoo Brew was that they let you leave the beer tents and wander the zoo with your beer. So what did I do? I spent five bucks, got a full glass of Moose Drool Brown Ale, and headed over to visit my homies in the giraffe pen. Here's a picture of me, my beer, and Rascal (he turned away, he's camera shy).



Matt Giraffe + Beer + A Giraffe = Happy Times

Summer's beginning, which means even more brew fests in town, the largest being the Oregon Brewers Festival down on the waterfront, July 26-29th. I hope you'll come and join me. And I hope they have giraffes there, too.

Lemon Your Widmer

My buddies and I created a website for Widmer Hefeweizen. It has funny videos of us catching lemons in all sorts of crazy ways. Tell your friends at school. Tell your boss at work. Tell your priest at confession. Just tell somebody about it.



We will be adding at least one new video of our own each week. But it has a feature where you can upload your own video. So go be a jackass, film yourself catching a lemon in your Widmer Hefeweizen, and post it on the site.

LEMON YOUR WIDMER WEBSITE

Also, look for the videos submitted by both Nick and Jess. They are now weblebrities.