Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Jetta Effect

You may know that I like to invent words or sayings and then refer to them like people should know them. Like they are already common vernacular. For example, I invented the term “foaf” meaning Friend Of A Friend. Giraffe, can you please use that in a sentence? Yes. Last weekend, I went to a party at a foaf’s house and stole a chinchilla.

Anyway, back in college, I invented a theory or theorem (I never know the difference) which I named “The Jetta Effect.” It started because I have a habit of people watching, wherever I may be. And one of the most awkward times to stare at people is while they are driving a car. I tend to look at almost every driver that I pass on the freeway. And a lot of the time they will look back, and then we share awkward eye contact. Then I speed up and pass them.

I look for weird people, short people, hicks, grandmas, and most importantly, cute girls. After a while, I started to notice that cute girls drive Volkswagen Jettas. And I would get excited when about to pass a Jetta on the freeway. It is the single make and model of car that has the highest percentage of cute girl drivers. And so began The Jetta Effect.

The VW Jetta has all the right aspects that are attractive to girls that I am attracted to. It is small, but not tiny. It is cute, but still sporty. It is European, but does have room for junk in the trunk. It’s not too cheap, but not too expensive. It’s the baby bear—juuuuuust riiiiight.

The Jetta Effect has slightly higher than a 50% success rate in the target demographic, which tops all other makes and models of cars. Our demographic is 18-to-28 year old females, ranging from athletic to stuck-up. Most girls have shoulder-length hair or longer, mostly blonde and brunette or some kind of highlighted mix. Rarely black hair; I haven’t figured out why. Big sunglasses are common. So is rocking out to Top 40 radio. Don’t beat surprised to see rapping; this demographic likes their hip-hop. Some of these girls buy their Jetta with their own money, some are graduation presents, and some are just for daddy’s little girl.

So now that you are enlightened, next time you’re with your buddy and you pass a Jetta with a cute girl driving, you can say, “Jetta Effect.” And then explain my scientific findings, which actually aren't so scientific.

Oh, why The Jetta “Effect” you say? And not The Jetta “Rule” or The Jetta “Theory” or whatever... Well, “effect” just sounds better. It rolls off the tongue. I don’t want to get all grammatical on you, but the consonance and alliteration help it sound more awesomer.


Drew said...

I have a theory about Mazda Miatas, but I don't think it is appropriate for this family website.

Joel said...

That would be a theory Matt. A therom is something that can be proven :) (go Math Major)

And I agree with drew above. Please find some more appropriate topics of conversation

Margaret said...

I shamefully have to agree that, like every other 20-25 year old girl in the city, I too drive a Jetta. The best part is that it can be used to judge a girl's IQ. Ever seen a parking lot with about 35 silver Jettas? Yes, it happens. And its a bitch.