Thursday, July 06, 2006

Hit me baby one more time

Ashlee Simpson got rid of her parrot nose and all of a sudden, she has jumped from a solid "8" to a debatable "10." We can even argue that she has usurped Jessica as the hottest sister. If Ashlee was in the NBA draft, we would be discussing her "upside"--younger, sluttier, writes her own songs, doesn't lip sync...wait was that her or Jessica? I can't even tell them apart these days.

Okay, let's try to figure out which Simp this is here... Blonde hair... Exposed cleavage... Wait a sec! Hold on! Black fingernails! Okay, that's Ashlee.

I saw her new video "Invisible" where she plays the most convincing boxer to ever where full makeup, high heels, and hair extentions in the ring. (Watch out Swank, if lip syncing pop stars could win Oscars for music videos, you'd be neck and neck in a catfight.)

Ashlee is totally stealing Jessica's signature moves. Blonde hair. Bad dancing. Singing against a wall and turning her head away to do a "side-pose" kind of thing. I wonder if the Simps all had a family dinner, and dad broke the news that Ash is the new cash cow. But Jess can still do chores to earn money, like mow the lawn, reply to Ash's fan mail, and maybe back up dance on the tour.

I always liked Ashlee before, because if I was ever in a bar/club/los angeles, I'd have a better shot with her than Jessica. Like a .0001% chance rather than a .0000% chance with Jessica. I'd totally go up and be all "Hey, do I know you from somewhere? Jesuit High, Portland, Oregon? Class of 2000? No? Hmm, you look really familiar, though... anyways, why don't you buy me a beer, babe. And none of that domestic shit. Microbrew me."

So what I guess I'm saying is that the times are changing. Be ready Jessica. If I run into you, you might just be lucky a get approached by me. Maybe.

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