I Went AMERICA All Over Las Vegas's Ass

I just got back from a weekend trip to Vegas with Joel, Joe, and Drew. Woo hoo! Our main reason for going was an outdoor concert festival called Vegoose. The headliner on Saturday night was Daft Punk, and they rocked. The cool thing about this concert festival is that almost half of the people go to it dressed in their Halloween costumes. We were no exception.

Here is Drew (fighter pilot), Joe (sailor), Joel (Captain Morgan), and Giraffe (Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia):


Here we are before the concert:


Another picture from the concert: Notice my jean jacket, american flag bandanna, and Farm Aid tshirt. I'm gunna rise up, kick some ass, drive a big truck, sew a flag, and go America all over your ass:


Joe, Joel, Giraffe, and Drew, the next day, after the concert:

Wildfires and Zombie Attacks

The wildfires in southern California have been on my mind this week. It's hard for me to comprehend what a city goes through in a natural disaster situation, whether it's a fire, a hurricane, or an earthquake. The shock of destruction. The evacuation. The worrying. The lack of safety. The looting.

I have often felt fortunate to live in Portland. We don't have wildfires, tornadoes, hurricanes, flash floods, tsunamis, acid rain, smog, or major earthquakes. I'm trying to think what major disasters we do have...

We do get a tiny earthquake every now and then, but it's the kind that most people sleep through. (Then the next day at work, people talk about having a dream about an earthquake--oh, no way, you had that same dream too?)

We also get a volcanic eruption every 150 years or so, but we should be okay for my lifetime, because Mt. St. Helens has already happened. I'm willing to play the numbers on this one. (I did take three Geology/Rocks for Jocks classes in college.)

We get tiny mudslides when it rains too much, but they only affect a couple people's route to work in the morning. I really can't think of anything, on a grand scale, that's devastating to the whole Portland community.

My coworker, Ben, reminded me that Portland is still highly susceptible to zombie attacks. True, true.

Waiters and Water Pitchers

Why do some waiters do the "side pour" with the water pitcher? Is it an ice thing?

If they're trying to impress me or work me for a better tip, it's not working. I repeat, it's not working. I'm not an "ice guy." The risk to return ratio just isn't worth it, in my opinion. There is a high probability for spilling, and I don't want a wet lap.

Abort the side pour.

Midweek Makeover

What's the recipe for the new-look blog?
Stripped-down architecture, new color palate, bloodshot eyes.

I was going to write a new post last night, but instead, I decided to revamp the blog. It was getting a little too vamp. Hopefully this is a signal that I'll be blogging more often, hopefully...

And Show It Begins

Fall is officially here. And you know how I know? Because new seasons of new crappy shows are on every network on every night. And I'm hooked.

I need two TiVos this time of year. Monday night at 8pm, I have one tuner on How I met Your Mother. I have the other tuner on Chuck. And I can't watch Monday Night Football. Luckily the score wasn't close.

The hardest part is figuring out which shows to commit to. I want to find the good ones, last year's Heroes and 30 Rock, and avoid the duds, like Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and The Nine, both of which got canceled last year before the end of the season. Coincidentally, both starred one of the Hackett brothers from the TV show Wings. Or maybe it wasn't a coincidence. Hmmmmmm.

Here are some quick comments on what I've seen so far (and to be fair I've only seen the early starts and Monday's lineup):

Kid Nation
It needs more "kid," less "nation." I like the premise--strand forty middle school kids in a deserted ghost town. They have to do everything for themselves. I was hoping it would be a little more like Lord of the Flies. More disorder, more arguing, less supplies provided for them. The biggest fights have been about washing dishes. Really? Rinsing dishes? These ghost town arguments sound like the same ones I had with my parents in a non-ghost town. The worst thing the bully of the show did was tag some "blue team" gang signs using chalk. Yeah, chalk. He should have pinched some specs. Verdict: I don't think I'm watching it again. I wanted to see some farming. I wanted to see some arguing. I wanted to see some crying. I wanted to see a nine-year-old fillet an armadillo for supper. This is just like a crappy, kid survivor.

Survivor China
Speaking of Survivor, season twenty three is taking place in China. The show has become repetitive and uninteresting, and that's why they moved it to China. Hopefully the can hook some of the 7 billion Chinese citizens into watching their show. Verdict: Dangit, it's still starving people competing for a stupid necklace and a pack of matches. If nothing else is on... maybe.

Chuck
I think I liked this show. It's hard to tell. This was the "pilot" episode, but I think I'm going to refer to it as the "spider bite" episode. This is a reference to the Spiderman (comic and tv show), or pretty much any superhero character, where they first have to explain how the powers came to be, before the show can get on a regular routine. Chuck's brain got accidentally overloaded with a bunch of government images from a government computer. The computer blew up. Now the government needs Chuck. He works at Best Buy, err... Buy More. Verdict: I want to see one or two more before I turn my thumb up or down. This show comes from the guy who wrote The OC (bitch!). It is produced, and the first episode was directed, by McG, of the Charlie's Angles movies fame and tv show Fastlane. So it will probably suck, but look actiony-good. This show might make it through this season purely based on the HCF (Hot Chick Factor). The blond CIA agent kicks ass and sports a nice one herself. Chuck has a brunette sister, just in case blonds turn some viewers off.

The Big Bang Theory
The cute ditsy girl from The John Ritter Show (that's not the name, but who cares or knows what it was called) moves in next to two uber-dweebs. Their interactions are awkward because they come from different words. Verdict: Nerds wrote this show. Nerds might be the only people watching this show. Nerds don't pull ratings. Their HCF cannot save them past episode six.


I'll blog again after I see a few more new shows. But I'll do some quick hits on returning shows that premiered a new season:

Family Guy Star Wars episode: Classic. Have watched it twice.

How I Met Your Mother: Ted's tramp stamp reminds me of my friend Nate's. Mandy more is a dirty ho-ma, which I like.

Heroes: It'll probably still be good, but I worry that their characters are too spread apart. Last year, each individual story wound together in an urgent way. The pace of the drama and the fighting drove us through the second half of the season to a big finale. Now, at the beginning of season two, everything is slow. Everything is disconnected. It doesn't feel as strong. But then again, it's only been one episode, and to be honest, I don't think they even thought they would make it to the end of season one.

WTF, Willy Wonka?

The Willy Wonka Candy Co. and I do not think on the same wavelength anymore. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up. Willy Wonka has certainly gone off his rocker.

What the frick--Nerds Rope?

Nerds, Rope?

Nerds Rope.

Nerds. Rope.

For those of you who haven't tried this stupid candy, I'll explain it to you. It's a big Red Rope licorice with a whole blunch a Nerds glued to it. Yes a sugary, crunchy, candy whip of stupidity and insult.



And the sad part is that I like Nerds. I grew up loving Nerds. It was my favorite trick-or-treating candy--those awesome little boxes that I'd take down in one bite (drink?). I don't eat Nerds all that often nowadays, but I've always been Pro-Nerds. Never have I been Anti-. Always Pro-.

I've supported all Nerds-related choices: Splitting the box in two? Yes. Funny little cartoon drawings? Yes. Sour Nerds? Yes. Coating the Nerds with another Nerd flavor? Yes. Snoop Dogg? Yesizzle.



Nerds Rope is one of those candies that Wonka should keep in the factory. Like the gumball that turns you into a giant blueberry. Or the soda pop that make you burp/fly. The great thing about regular Nerds is that they're small. They're crunchy. They're pure sugar, in the most simplest form. They deliver two flavors in each box. They a solid candy, but they are eaten like a drink. Like a can of pop, they have the little mouth spout in the top and everything.



Now, all of the sudden, Nerds Rope comes along and kills this beauty. A Twizzler raped a box of Nerds, and now this monstrosity is what children will be eating? Not my children.

Vacation, Day 7 - Cicadas

There are these weird, LOUD bugs here called cicadas.

Vacation, Day 6 - Shopping in Charleston

We went to Charleston today and took a tour of the historical downtown. It wasn't as cool as Savannah. Savannah's tours kick Charleston's tours asses. But when we went shopping in their flea market, there was a cool hat shop that sold old-timey hats, like Dean Martin and my Grandpa Bob used to wear. Next time you're in Charleston, stop by The Charleston Hat Man.

Vacation, Day 5 - The Pig

The most common supermarket in South Carolina has a cool name, Piggly Wiggly. I like to call it "The Wiggly Pig." Much like we in the Northwest may call Fred Meyer's, "Fredy's", my cousin says that the cool nickname for Piggly Wiggly is just "The Pig." And he knows it well, because he works there. At The Pig.

Vacation, Day 4 - The Cook-Out

Today, the hotel provided lunch for all the guests.

Vacation, Day 3 - Hilton Head, SC

I went to the beach today.

Vacation, Day 2 - Savannah, GA

I took a trolley tour of Savannah and saw all the highlights.

Vacation, Day 1 - In Flight

There was a seeing-eye dog on my flight.

June Ramblings

I made up a new word: "debezzling." It's kind of like embezzling, but the exact opposite. Instead of slowly stealing money from your company, you slowly and secretively invest money without expecting to see a return. I'm not saying it's a smart practice or something you should do, I'm just saying it's a new word. (Also, embezzle just seems like a weird word to me. It's a very serious, negative action, but it's so fun to spell, with those double Z's. Fun to say to... embezzzzzzzzzle.)

If I ever make a movie, I think I am going to ad a secondary title to the movie. Like instead of calling it "Death Blow" I'd call it this: "Death Blow: The Sequel to the Prequel." The title makes you think. It's kind of a "back to the future" kind of thing.

What is up with mint gum? Have you noticed how many different flavors of mint gum there are these days? Spearmint, wintergreen, peppermint, bubblemint, mint chocolate chip... the list goes on. WTF, where did all these mints come from? As far as I know, there is only one mint plant. Is the gum market so specific that R&D is having them diversify their mint portfolio to capture a larger customer base?

Is anyone else pissed off by the "proud parent" identifier on MySpace? Let me explain. On your myspace profile, you have a couple options to identify whether you have children or want them... none, someday, never, and proud parent. They don't let you choose "yes, I have kids." Just "proud parent." Why do they assume you're proud? What if you're ashamed? Or regretful? Or embarrassed? I would love to see somebody with some serious baby mama drama choose "ashamed parent." Someday... someday.

There have been a lot of threequels in the movie theaters lately. Spiderman 3. Pirates 3. Ocean's (1)3. They aren't that good. I mean, they're entertaining, like it held my attention while I'm in the theater. And they all look good, with their CGI special effects and everything. But I'm just disappointed with all of them. I wouldn't pay to see them again.

And lastly, I just wanted to officially declare that the Spiderman series has lost steam. How can I tell? Because Lloyd, the mechanic from "Wings," and Eric from "That 70's Show" are the villains. Yes, the villains, not the sidekicks or supporting cast. The villains. Doesn't any good actor want to play a villain? These are the only two guys we can get? Really? The goofy guy from Sideways and the skinny guy who calls himself Topher? Who will the villains for Spiderman 4 be, Tony Shalub and Will Valderama? (Oh, snap!)

The Jetta Effect

You may know that I like to invent words or sayings and then refer to them like people should know them. Like they are already common vernacular. For example, I invented the term “foaf” meaning Friend Of A Friend. Giraffe, can you please use that in a sentence? Yes. Last weekend, I went to a party at a foaf’s house and stole a chinchilla.

Anyway, back in college, I invented a theory or theorem (I never know the difference) which I named “The Jetta Effect.” It started because I have a habit of people watching, wherever I may be. And one of the most awkward times to stare at people is while they are driving a car. I tend to look at almost every driver that I pass on the freeway. And a lot of the time they will look back, and then we share awkward eye contact. Then I speed up and pass them.

I look for weird people, short people, hicks, grandmas, and most importantly, cute girls. After a while, I started to notice that cute girls drive Volkswagen Jettas. And I would get excited when about to pass a Jetta on the freeway. It is the single make and model of car that has the highest percentage of cute girl drivers. And so began The Jetta Effect.



The VW Jetta has all the right aspects that are attractive to girls that I am attracted to. It is small, but not tiny. It is cute, but still sporty. It is European, but does have room for junk in the trunk. It’s not too cheap, but not too expensive. It’s the baby bear—juuuuuust riiiiight.

The Jetta Effect has slightly higher than a 50% success rate in the target demographic, which tops all other makes and models of cars. Our demographic is 18-to-28 year old females, ranging from athletic to stuck-up. Most girls have shoulder-length hair or longer, mostly blonde and brunette or some kind of highlighted mix. Rarely black hair; I haven’t figured out why. Big sunglasses are common. So is rocking out to Top 40 radio. Don’t beat surprised to see rapping; this demographic likes their hip-hop. Some of these girls buy their Jetta with their own money, some are graduation presents, and some are just for daddy’s little girl.

So now that you are enlightened, next time you’re with your buddy and you pass a Jetta with a cute girl driving, you can say, “Jetta Effect.” And then explain my scientific findings, which actually aren't so scientific.



Oh, why The Jetta “Effect” you say? And not The Jetta “Rule” or The Jetta “Theory” or whatever... Well, “effect” just sounds better. It rolls off the tongue. I don’t want to get all grammatical on you, but the consonance and alliteration help it sound more awesomer.

Blazers for Free

Brian Berger from Sports Business Radio posted a blog about Comcast and the Portland Trailblazers creating a new cable channel that will broadcast most of their games. Here is my response to the new Comcast/Blazer channel:

I am a huge Blazers fan. I watched almost every single game last year, but I never attended one in person. I was able to watch 75-80% of their games from the comfort of my couch and 54-inch TV thanks to FSN and KGW.

In recent years, I used to go to 10-15 home games a year. Like many fans, rising ticket prices and the actions of the "jail blazers" caused me to be reluctant to spend my money on this organization. Lucky for me, the Blazers started showing more and more games on cable, which I already paid for. It was like getting more Blazers for free!

I always wondered whether broadcasting all these games was a good thing for the Blazers organization. As a fan, they were keeping me satisfied, but I don't believe they were making as much money off of me as they could. They didn't receive my spending money, because I was getting "free" games on tv.

The press release says that 81 of the 82 games will be televised. Plus, a lot of them will be in high-def. Next year, I will be getting 98.7% of the games for "free," since I already pay for cable and do not consider this an extra cost to me. I am happy about this, because I love the NBA, and I love having a hometown team to root for. But it's looking like the Blazers, for the second year in a row, will not directly receive even a dollar from my wallet.

Giraffes and Beer

Saturday was the First Annual Zoo Brew at the Oregon Zoo, here in Portland. It was a small-to-medium brew festival with maybe twenty local breweries. Most breweries came from Oregon, but a few from Washington, Idaho, and California (pretty much the states that snuggle up and touch Oregon).

Zoo Brew started at 5pm, and my ticket got me admission into the zoo, a special beer glass, and ten tastings. Additional tastings were $1 each. $5 gets you a full glass.

But the best part of Zoo Brew was that they let you leave the beer tents and wander the zoo with your beer. So what did I do? I spent five bucks, got a full glass of Moose Drool Brown Ale, and headed over to visit my homies in the giraffe pen. Here's a picture of me, my beer, and Rascal (he turned away, he's camera shy).



Matt Giraffe + Beer + A Giraffe = Happy Times

Summer's beginning, which means even more brew fests in town, the largest being the Oregon Brewers Festival down on the waterfront, July 26-29th. I hope you'll come and join me. And I hope they have giraffes there, too.

Lemon Your Widmer

My buddies and I created a website for Widmer Hefeweizen. It has funny videos of us catching lemons in all sorts of crazy ways. Tell your friends at school. Tell your boss at work. Tell your priest at confession. Just tell somebody about it.



We will be adding at least one new video of our own each week. But it has a feature where you can upload your own video. So go be a jackass, film yourself catching a lemon in your Widmer Hefeweizen, and post it on the site.

LEMON YOUR WIDMER WEBSITE

Also, look for the videos submitted by both Nick and Jess. They are now weblebrities.

Hi, my name is… Entourage

Hello my name is Entourage. And I’m a TV show that you used to like. But lately I’ve gone a little soft. Flaccid might be a better adjective than soft, because it more specifically describes what I’ve lost. My manhood.

Oh I used to be a show you liked. You watched me multiples times. You asked your friends about me. “Yo dude, have you seen Entourage? Oh, you’ve goootttttttaaaaa see Entourage.” I showed you the life you wanted to live. I had the characters that you wanted to be. You wanted to be Vince, the star. You wanted to be E, the buddy in charge. You wanted to be Ari, the smooth-talking asshole. You might have even wanted to be Turtle or Drama, the sidekicks. My guys lived out your dreams. Not just living in Cali, but living it up in Cali. The parties. The mansions. Escalades and Maseratis. And the ladies, the chicas, the honeys. Ooooooh man, the honeys. We’re on HBO, and we can show some T and A. Tits and ass, fellas. You’re welcome.

But these days, I seem a little weak. Like I’ve lost my game. Something’s not right. For some reason I’ve abandoned all those things you loved about me. So what have I been doing? Well, I’ve created a whole bunch of problems and have all the characters worrying all the time. (That’s some complex drama.) I created some awkward hetero male remorse and yearning between a fired agent and his former client. (Male tension, yes.) I’ve also hidden the hottest supporting character on the show, Sloan. (Wait, I do show her on the other end of a phone call once every four episodes.) But to be fair, I haven’t really shown any sex scenes. Off the top of my head, the two most recent sex plots featured 1) Turtle groping the girl from the Wayans Brothers' movie “White Chicks” and 2) the fat guy from MadTV trying to date rape Lloyd.

Guys, I need to know what you want from me. Are you looking for a fun show that makes all your wildest dreams come true? Or are you wanting a frustrating cock-tease show that resembles a shell of what it used to be? Are you looking to vicariously live through me or vicariously worry through me? Do you want to have fun? Do you? Because I am having an identity crisis. I’m confused.

I need your help. Seriously, I do. Please email me. I'm Entourage. Sunday nights on HBO.

Sun Sneezing

Every Spring, when the sun starts coming out again, I'm reminded of a seasonal affliction that I suffer from. No, not allergies. I suffer from sun sneezing. Or more scientifically, "photic sneeze reflex."

Never heard of it? Well, it's real, and here's what it is: I walk outdoors into direct sunlight. One to three seconds later, I sneeze once.

Sound weird? It is. 15-25% of humans have it. And it is more common in caucasians. Guess what? I am a caucasian human. Scientists haven't figured out exactly what causes it. Apparently the scientists have bigger issues to fix, like cancer and time travel. But one of the theories is that tears created to help adjust to the bright light leak into the nostrals and tickle some nerves, causing a sneeze. Another is that it is caused by a malfuction in the fifth cranial nerve, the trigeminal nerve. Yeahhhhh.

And another weird thing is that photic sneeze reflex is hereditary. Only one parent can have it to pass it along to the children. It is a "autosomal dominant trait." I have it. And my sister also has it. I'm not sure if my brother has it.

Weird stuff, this science.

Yo, Plait?

Yoplait yogurt is by far the best yogurt at the grocery store. This stuff is legen-dairy, and here is why.

Reason One: Flavors
They have the best, most fruity flavors. I want a yogurt where I can distinguish between strawberry and cherry--not just different hues of pink. To be honest, I want big hunkin' chunks of strawberries and cherries in my yogurt. Yeah, hunkin' chunks. I want the raspberry seeds caught between my teeth. I want the options of creative flavors. Harvest Peach. Lemon Burst. Strawberry Cheesecake. Cherry Orchard. Mixed Berry. And not to mention Key Lime Pie. KEY LIME PIE!!! End of story. Done deal.

Reason Two: Stirredness
Pre-stirred, baby. The fruit is mixed, spread, permeated, and dispersed. Why the heck would I voluntarily want to exercise my yogurt? I am not paying for a workout. Yoplait is the cliff notes of yogurt, it cuts right to the point. Jump on in, the water's fine.

Reason Three: Foil Lid
Yeah, that foil lid IS a little cocky, isn't it? It ticked me off a little at first, but in time I've grown to like it. I like my yogurt to have an edge; yogurt with a 'tude. As far as packaging goes, the foil lid makes little sense compared to a plastic lid. Yogurt is a viscous, sugary, sticky semi-liquid that spoils. To me, a thin, easily puncturable barrier makes little sense. It's like selling gasoline-filled water balloons or Dixie cups full of Brut cologne.

But I've seen the light. The foil lid and tapered shape are what visually distinguish Yoplait. It's like the yogurt with bling. And here's something I learned about the foil lid: You can use it as a spoon! In times of need (I don't know, camping? hiking? soccer camp?) you can fold the lid into a scoop shape. A plastic lid can't do that. Just be careful with your fillings.

Have Some Pride

Earlier today, I saw a commercial for a movie that is in theaters soon. I’ve never heard of it before—“Pride.”

Its formula is a little “copycat”—black and/or inner city high school sports team overcomes the odds, when nobody believed in them. Oh yeah, and it’s based on a true story. Remember the Titans. Glory Road. Coach Carter. Mighty Ducks. Miracle. There are ten or twenty others in recent years.

But this one is a little different, because of the sport it is based on. Not football. Not baseball. Not basketball. Not even hockey. This movie is based on… swimming? WTF? Swimming? Really?

But don’t worry. Just because the movie is based on a non-contact water sport, in Philadelphia in 1974, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t lack the drama and emotion that all the other movies based on real sports have. Just take a look at these emotional quotes from the trailer:

“You need to leave the swimming to the experts.”
“So you the expert now?”

“Remember, if you walk out, you are walking out on your life.”

“We’ve been chasing dreams for many, many years. Tomorrow you’ll all get an opportunity to fulfill some of those dreams.”

“This is our house coach!”

So go see Pride, in theaters March 23. Oh yeah, Bernie Mac is the pool/rec center’s janitor. Classic.



www.pridefilm.com

Thoughts in the shower...

Here is what I thought about in the shower this morning:

Girl Scout Cookies
What are the first things that immediately come to mind when I think about boy scouts? Um, whittling, tying knots, and helping old ladies cross the street. What are the first things that immediately come to mind when I think about girl scouts? Cookies. That's it, nothing else. Just cookies (which I recently learned are made by Kellogg's). Every year I feel worse and worse about girl scout cookies, with their high pressure selling tactics and mega-corporation cookies.

Samoas
I think this type of girl scout cookie has crack in it. They are that good. Not that I've ever had crack before, but I imagine that crack tastes like caramel and coconut topped with chocolate. No wonder it's so addicting.

"Just To Be Fair..."
If you're in an activity/event/competition with somebody and right before the event starts, they say to you, "Just to be fair, I should probably tell you that...," that's not being fair. It's more like saying, "I'm a cheater (or a professional) but you just don't know it. And to rub it in even more, I wanted to be the one who told you five seconds before you compete in this contest. Good luck, you have no chance."

Daniel Heder, Jon Heder's Twin Brother
It probably sucks to be the twin of a famous actor. And it's probably hard to tell a fan that you're not Napoleon Dynomite, you're his twin brother, when you look and sound exactly the same as your brother. "Ihaveatwinbrother, gawwshhhhhh."

Lever 2000
There was this soap that existed back in the '90s called Lever 2000. I don't know if it exists today. But their slogan/tagline was "Lever 2000, for all of your 2000 body parts." I'm calling BS on that advertising. I started counting in the shower today. Ten fingers, ten toes, okay that's twenty. Arms, elbows, armpits, chest, belly, rump, hips, thighs, knees, shins, calves, ankles, feet, neck, ears, cheeks, forehead, nose... That's like, 65 parts. Where the heck do they come up with 2000 parts? Am I supposed to eat this? Mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, large intestine. Okay, now we're up to like 71 parts. Even if you did open-chest surgery with this soap-- heart, lungs, liver, pancreas--that's like 141 parts. WTF? 2000? Plus, if they wanted to come off looking legit the shouldn't use a round number like 2000. Lever 1267 is more believable.

American Leprechauns
Why doesn't America have any cool magical creatures like leprechauns? I don't mean specifically leprechauns, but just some sort of magical fairytale creature. I know we got a late start as a country, but were all of the magical creature stories already taken by then? Like Ireland has leprechauns, Scotland has the loch ness monster, Eastern Europe has vampires, and China has dragons. What do we have? Do we have Native American stories, I guess? Maybe. But no offense to Native Americans, but a baked, vision quest coyote telling me what to do is not as cool as a dragon or a leprechaun. It's not as cool, that's just a fact.

Running Diary: The Oscars

I'm keeping a running diary during the 2007 Academy Awards, a la Bill Simmons (and Nick, although he only did it once). I probably won't comment too much on what I think of the movies, but more on what I think about what's going on during the awards show. Let's do this.

5:30 Alright, here we go. The show is starting. A couple days from now, I’m probably going to forget who won what. But here is something the Academy Awards will do that will last a lifetime. The awards received today will decide the adjectives for future movie trailers that we will all see. They decide whether credits for The Italian Job 2 say “Academy Award Nominated Mark Walberg” or “Academy Award Winner Mark Walberg.” Good luck tonight, Mark.

5:31 Wasn't Ellen DeGeneres supposed to be hosting? I think I’m watching a really long, unfunny Apple commercial or something. Five minute of closeups, a white background, and baby piano music. Mac and PC do it better.

5:36 Okay, here’s Ellen. She’s wearing a maroon, velvet pantsuit. Why not wear a dress, Ellen? What are you, gay? Come on, I'm just joking. You know I love Ellen. I like her stand up, all of her tv shows (mostly based upon some character named Ellen), and also her talk show. I wonder if she’ll dance around and rap like she does on her talk show? Fingers crossed.

5:38 Penelope Cruz is hot. No sign of Scarlett Johansson yet.

5:44 Ellen is dancing around and tamborining in the aisles with a gospel choir. Classic Ellen.

5:45 Other than the host, the first two people to speak at the Academy Awards are a British dude and an Aussie Chick. I just think that it’s weird, being an American Award. Great national pride, Academy. Also, I think it’s funny how Australians talk sometimes. Nicole Kidman says “America” like “Ameriker.”

5:49 Cutting away to the first commercial break, we see the voice announcers for the show. Bamm. It’s Don Lafontaine. The guy who has the job I want. Coolest movie announcer voice ever. I know he’s done over 5,000 movie trailer voiceovers (seriously, he has), but man is he blowing up lately or what? First, he was on Family Guy, then the Geico commercial, and now face time at the Oscars. Pretty soon he’ll be starring in movies! Which might clear up space for me to voice over some trailers.

5:53 Will Ferrel, Jack Black, and John C. Reily sing about how comedians never win Oscars. And the whole time, in my mind, I’m critiquing their singing. “Will, you were a little pitchy in the second verse, and Jack, you were singing through your nose. John, the vibrato was a little overpowering for a group performance. I’m going to have to say no to Hollywood.” Can you tell I’ve watched all six seasons of American Idol?

5:55 Be careful Hollywood, Mark Walberg will kick your ass. He was arrested 25 times as a kid.

6:00 Abigail Breslin, that little girl from Little Miss Sunshine, is presenting an award along with Will Smith’s son, Jayden, from that music video “Just the Two of Us.” First Abigail was in the Apple commercial intro, then Ellen talked to Abigail in the monologue, then she was clapping in an audience shot, and now she’s presenting? We’re only a half hour into the show and I’ve seen this little annoying girl six times. Stop shoving her down my throat. I wonder if she’s been in any other movies? Or will she be in the future? Any future role that she does that doesn't get nominated for an Oscar is a letdown, right? She's peaked at ten years old. And now, every movie she's in will say “Academy Award Nominated Abigail Breslin.” What about when she’s in high school? Does she turn in reports with a title page that says “Global Warming and the Effects on the California Coast by Academy Award Nominated Abigail Breslin?” I wonder if she is going to be a child actor who grows up to make halfway watchable romantic comedies like Drew Barrymore. Whatever the case, just stop showing her during the awards show. By the way, I hope she loses.

6:01 Will Smith’s son reads a wrong line from the teleprompter and brushes it off with style. It was actually pretty cute/funny. Which means it was probably scripted.

6:10 Ellen apologizes and clarifies: Penelope Cruz is a hot Spaniard, not a hot Mexican.

6:12 The Hollywood Sound Effects Choir performs. It’s a pretty cool performance. Scenes are shown without sound, and this choir of people makes all the sounds with their mouth. Cars, rainstorms, alomst any and every sound you can think. It’s pretty much the same thing that this group did in that car commercial. This wasn’t as cool as the car commercial, but still pretty cool if you’re seeing them for the first time. Also, it appears that Howie Mandell’s brother is the director.

6:17 Hey, there’s Jessica Biel. Still no sign of Scarlett.

6:22 Ladies and Gentlemen, Academy Award Nominated Mark Walberg.

6:26 Ellen introduces another performance. It’s the rolling-on-the-ground shadow artist troupe from that other car commercial. On one hand, I think this is cool, even cooler than the sound effects choir. But on the other hand, I’m thinking WTF? Is the Academy just watching NFL commercials and saying “Hey, we should get those guys for our show?” Presenting the next award, Jay Mohr and a can of Diet Pepsi.

6:28 Apparently, Dove did a viewer contest for their Cream Oil Body Wash. And the winning commercial was just aired during the Oscars, much like the viewer-submitted NFL and Doritos commercials that aired during the Super Bowl. We in the advertising industry are screwed if this trend continues. We’ll all lose our jobs to horrible, but zero-cost, viewer-produced commercials.

6:32 Randy Newman and James Taylor perform some song from Cars.
I fast-forward the TiVo.

6:34 Melissa Etheridge performs some song from An Incovenient Truth.
I fast-forward the Tivo.

6:42 This is how Cameron Diaz was announced: “The voice of Princess Fiona from the Shrek movies, Cameron Diaz.” Ok, it makes a little sense because it was the animation award, but still, to me it seemed like she could take it as an insult to not mention any other role she’s ever had. They said, “Cameron, you’re hot and a talented actress, but in our opinion the only good thing you’ve ever done is talk in those green monster cartoons. That’s all we’re going to mention.” “You mean you can’t say Being John Malkovich, The Gangs of New York, Something About Mary, and Shrek?” “Ummm, I think we’re just going to say Shrek.”

6:46 I always forget what Ben Affleck won an Oscar for. Forces of Nature? No… Changing Lanes? No… Daredevil? No… Gigli! It’s gotta be Gigli, right? Then what is it?… oh that’s right, he allegedly co-wrote Good Will Hunting.

6:47 All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

6:50 Borat is nominated for something! Oh no, I wonder what scene they’ll show! I’m worried that Borat will embarrass the Academy if they show the clip of him running naked through a hotel. Whew, dodged a bullet on that one. They chose to show the clip of him shitting into a bag at a dinner party.

6:54 Heading to commercial, we meet our backstage reporter, Chris Connelly. Yes, the same Chris Connelly from Yo! MTV News, MTV Rock N’ Jock Basketball VII, and RetroSexual: The 80’s. Okay, I know that this guy did some real MTV News specials about voting and the war overseas, and he also does human interest reports for SportsCenter sometimes, but I just can’t take him seriously after eight years of Rock N’ Jock. Apparently he’s legit, though, because Tom Hanks knows who he is.

7:11 Ellen goes into the audience and gets Steven Spielberg to take a picture of her and Clint Eastwood for her MySpace page. And then she continues to give Spielberg composition instructions to make the snapshot look better. So far Ellen is doing a good job hosting.

7:20 We come back from commercial. Naomi Watts is presenting. But still no Scarlett. I’m starting to think she didn’t show. Or maybe she didn’t get invited! She’s never had the best attitude, and lately, she has been skanking it up a little bit.

7:30 Two foreign people are presenting the award for Best Foreign Language Film. The Academy is finally taking my advice.

7:32 The German guy who won had a long speech and the orchestra started to play him off. He said, “No I have to say one more thing…” Good for you man. Don’t let some band director tell you when to stop talking. You just won the biggest award of your life, but they want to cut you off so that they can air one more Chevy commercial. He said his last thing, which was short, but I wish someone would just continue until they get physically yanked by a bouncer. And then when they do get yanked, let their body go limp like a ragdoll, all non-violent-protest style.

7:35 Congrats to Jennifer Hudson, whom I did not vote for on American Idol. Also, ladies and gentleman, Academy Award Nominated Abigail Breslin. You lost little girl. You didn’t cut it. Better luck never.

7:44 Jerry Seinfeld is presenting an award by doing a 2-minute bit on movie theater snacks. Classic Jerry. They showed him in the crowd a couple of times earlier tonight. I was wondering what he’s been up to lately. I know he doesn’t need to work; he has, like, 50 Ferraris. But I always hope he’ll do something else in tv. He’s too funny to quit. Maybe he could host the Oscars next year?

7:47 They’re naming the documentary award nominees. I don’t know who’s won yet, but if you haven’t seen it, rent An Inconvenience Truth. I haven’t seen the other nominated movies, so I can’t say anything good or bad about them. But I also order you to rent When The Levees Broke. You NEED to see these two movies, NOW. Spike Lee’s When The Levees Broke couldn’t even be nominated for an award because of some strange rule; it aired on HBO before hitting movie theaters. Lame, Academy. Lame.

7:56 Celine Dion is singing. This is so 1997. I fast-forward the TiVo.

8:00 Clint Eastwood translates Italian for Ennio Morricone. Wow, this is a random and awkward scenario. Who knew that Clint spoke Italian? And is this a special occasion, or does he do this all the time? Like a side job, for the UN?

8:06 Hot Spanish (not Mexican) actress Penelope Cruz is presenting an award. I’ve given up on Scarlett.

8:06 Another funny word in Australian; Hugh Jackman said “roster” but it sounded like “rasta.” Yes, Rasta, like the Jamaican religion. Big ups and irie to Hugh Jackman, mon.

8:16 Chris Connolley’s nasally voice greets us once again as we’re heading to commercial. Why is he even here? Twice in three hours—do we really need a backstage reporter if we’re only going to use him for a total of 35 seconds out of three hours? Sorry Connolley, you’re gone next year when Seinfeld hosts. Ray Romano, you’re in as backstage reporter, and we're giving you a total of five minutes.

8:19 Despite Sawyer’s advice, Kate is going back for Jack. Oh wait, it’s just a commercial. Lost. Wednesdays at 10pm.

8:21 Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, and some other people from a movie I didn’t see sing a lot. I fast-forward the TiVo.

8:27 I am getting worried. My TiVo is saying I have three minutes left, but the big awards haven’t been given out. Crap I think the show is running long and my DVR can't account for that. Damn you, technology. I might miss the ending. Why didn't I watch it live?

Yeah, I missed the ending. I don't know exactly what happened. But I went online to do a litte research. It turns out that Scorsese finally won. He has deserved this for years. He’d been previously nominate for Raging Bull, Last Temptation of Christ, Goodfellas, Gangs of New York, and The Aviator. He finally got it. Marty, call me in the morning. Congrats buddy.

DV-ARRRRRGGGGGGG!!!

I’m a little mad at my DVR right now. When I woke up this morning, all of my shows had been erased. Gone. Completely deleted. And I had no explanation why.

(Sidenote: A DVR is a Digital Video Recorder. Sometimes referred to as TiVo. TiVo is the Kleenex of DVRs. A DVR is like a magical VCR recorder that doesn’t need tapes--it’s all elecronical. If you are reading my blog, you are a person who should know what a DVR is, but then again sometimes gypsies and my mom read my blog. Okay now everyone is on the same page.)



I have Comcast’s Motorola DVR for HDTVs. It only costs $5 or $10 a month, sweet. It records HD channels for me, sweet. I can fastforward through commercials, sweet. I can rewind and watch funny parts again, sweet. It was a pretty sweet deal actually, until today, not sweet. I sat down to watch a recorded show while eating breakfast, and I see that I have no recorded shows and 100% memory available. What?!? Something is not right!

I do a little research on the world wide internets and find that this has happened to other people, too. Same service, same Motorola DVR. Some of those people got mad. And blogged in SCREAMING ALLCAPS. I don't blog in allcaps. I am somewhat relieved when I find that some internet geek found that the majority of these random erases can be fixed by calling Comcast. The Comcast person will send a reboot signal to my DVR, it will restart, and everything will be fine.

I called in, the lady tried it, and it did not work. The lady said to unplug it and replug it. Then, if that didn’t work, I was shit out of luck.

I was shit out of luck.

During my lunch break I called Comcast back to try and figure this thing out. I wanted to know why it erased all my stuff. The Comcast dude says that they at Comcast don't know what causes it to self erase. And that's what it really is, a self-erase. Had it just been a menu glitch or something else, their over-the-wire reboot would have fixed it. He didn't give a definite answer and passed the blame along to Motorola, saying that sometimes the machine has a perfect storm of computer code that tells it to self-erase. And Motorola is working on it. They will send out a firmware patch if it ever gets fixed. The good news is that this problem shouldn't happen again. It's not a hardware problem, just a random software glitch.

The good news is that the guy gave me a free month off of my Comcast bill for the trouble.

The bad news is that all my stuff is gone. Hours of comedy specials. A documentary or two that I wanted to backup on tape. Some episodes of Modern Marvels, Myth Busters, and Dirty Jobs that I hadn't watched yet. Hours of cooking shows that had recipes I was trying. Luckily I'm all caught up on Lost, 24, and American Idol.

Cyber Stung

I’m a little overwhelmed with all the news programs catching online predators. The one’s that set up sting operations and trap the perverts who try to have sex with young children. It’s becoming a little much.

Let me state that I’m not against local and national police doing these sting operations. I’m Pro-Sting. I don’t want these pedophiles out there prying on the innocence and/or ignorance of young teenagers. I think that this is an okay step in policing online communication. Currently, the mode of communication is MySpace or Facebook. But it seems like this problem has been around forever. It’s just the digital medium that’s changed.

These are concerns that people had with bulletin boards, then chat rooms, then instant messaging, and now online social networks. The only worrisome thing is that each progressive step in online communication reveals a little bit more information about the user, like a MySpace page providing information like the user’s age, high school, and pictures. Before these sites, a user could hide behind an ambiguous chat name.

So there, that’s said. I’m Pro-Sting. But I’m not Pro-Media-Blitz-The-Shit- Out-Of-The-Sting.



I can’t escape hearing about Operation Cyber Sting, or whatever that particular channel is calling their story. First there were national news shows, and now there are local news shows. And then there are all the fake news shows like Hollywood Access and Outside Edition. And the satirical news shows like The Daily Show and The Soup. And then talk shows like Leno and Conan. And I haven’t checked Univision or Telemundo yet, but I’m sure they’re covering it too.

And when the straight news isn't enough, the shows twist the angle and show the silly and stupid predators. I’m hearing about the stupid guy who gets caught twice in the same week by the same sting team. I’m hearing about the guy who gets caught and wants to know when the segment will air on tv. And so on and so on. Enough.

The sad thing is that these local news channels aren’t airing these segments for social justice. They’re airing them for ratings. If they continue to run this into the ground, the online pedophiles are just going to change up their tactics. They’ll talk amongst themselves or whatever they do. I don’t know if they have meetings or host a chat room, but they will get wise if we keep showing it to them at 11 o’clock every single night.

Why can’t the local media just let these stings happen in the background so that they continue to work for a longer period of time? Wouldn’t that seem like the most logical, most effective, most socially just thing to do? Yes, but that wouldn’t get the viewers ratings in, now.

Always Sunny in LOST

So, new episodes of Lost started back up last night. I'm not going to use my blog to talk about plot/hidden meanings/conspiracies. There are hundreds of Lost blogs that already do that (Lost + blog = Llog? Loblog? Stlog? I like stlog.). Anyway, there was one moment of the Lost episode that really shocked me: Seeing Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia standing in the jungle as an Others prison guard. He even had a rifle. This threw me off for the rest of an episode.



If you haven't seen the show, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you should. It's a comedy show on FX. It's been described as "Seinfeld on crack." It's about four not-too-intelligent friends who own a bar in Phily. Hilarity ensues. Episodes tackle subjects like underage drinking, birth control, firearms, national pride, but in a funny, entertaining way. Just watch it.



Well, the show's creator, Rob McElhenney, is also one of the show's writers and one of the four main characters, Mac. This guy, Rob McElhenney, is living the dream in my opinion. He created and wrote a comedy show. He got it made and run on an edgy cable network. And he acts in it, too. I would love to do this as a living. Write stories, act them out, and get paid. He's living the dream.

So WTF is he doing as a bit character on Lost? See, to me, I envision a struggling actor taking any supporting role he can get, and in his spare time he writes and pitches his comedy show to studios. But Mac already has his show. Why does he need to be an extra on Lost?

I did some research on the world wide internets and found out the story. Mac was in a restaurant and got approached by two fans who like Always Sunny. Turns out they were writers for Lost. Mac is a fan of Lost,wanted to see how a "real" show was run, and got invited to their set. They said hey dude want to be an extra. He said cool, no way. Done. People helping people. Scratching backs.

So I guess it turns out that he did it just for fun, because he loves Lost. I guess people guest star on other shows all the time. The cast of 24 is all over other shows. I mean how don't the guys on Heros recognize Sylar from CTU? And how come President David Palmer is trying to sell me car insurance?

Maybe the reason it felt so awkward to see Mac on Lost was because he is a writer/actor on a comedy show. Lost is a drama, a weird, fantastical drama, but serious acting nonetheless. I was just hoping to have Charlie pop out and go America all over the Others asses.

Celebrities Alergic to Couches?

It hurts my feelings when a celebrity is a guest on a late night talk show and then leaves when his or her segment is done. It hurts me as a viewer.

The guest might be an attractive model in a short dress, or maybe a politician who I want to hear more from, or just a funny comedian. Regardless of who they are or what they do, guests should be forced to sit on that side-couch to the left of the interview chair. They should not be allowed to leave when their five minutes are done.

The major reason I say this is because of the potential for awkward and/or unique interaction between dissimilar guests. I want to see what the comedian says to the Victoria Secret model. I want to see how the violin virtuoso compliments the metal guitar rocker on his new album. I want to see how Barack Obama reacts to Paris Hilton's idiotic comments.

This is my favorite part of the talk show setup. The first guest scooting over, and the second guest sitting next to the first. Usually celebrities have an agenda while on the show--to promote a new album, movie, charity, or whatever. But when their five minutes are done, and they are sitting on the side couch, they can just be themselves. Real. Natural. No agenda. I don't like it when a guest is "too busy" and has to leave. I get the feeling they came on the show just to shill their crappy tv show. But if they stick around, I know that they care, or at least are good sports and act like they care.

Comedians are probably the best side-couchers. They sit over there and interrupt with a relevant joke. Ha ha, people laugh. The host says a joke too. Ha ha, more laughs. And back to the interview. I like this. I smile. Veteran actors are good, too. They are confident and don't mind interrupting/joining in/sharing. Models are also good, because everyone wants to talk with a model. Some rocket scientist could be explaining solar physics to Conan O'Brien, and he would pause to see if Heidi Klum had some funny story that even partially relates to anything.

Sometimes the side-guest main-guest relationship doesn't work out. The people are just too different, one guest is shy, or one is really creepy. This isn't always a bad thing. As a viewer, I enjoy conflict as well. This week on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, Jimmy kicked Andy Dick off the side-couch for fondling Ivanka Trump. I wish there had been more kicking and fighting, but I'll take what I can get.



So, I propose a new ultimatum. All guest on late night talk show are required to stay until the credits roll. No exceptions. Except for models, because, I mean come on, who wouldn't bend the rules for a model?

Original, Groundbreaking Sports Headline

I haven’t blogged about sports in a while, but today I have something special. I have a hard-hitting, groundbreaking, monumental headline that I have seen no local or national sportswriters cover since Superbowl XLI ended yesterday.

And I can’t figure out why nobody in the media has covered it. My best guess at an explanation is that this story is being swept aside by these two major stories:
1. Peyton Manning finally succeeding in winning “the big game.”
2. Tony Dungy being the first African-American coach to win the Superbowl.

And those two things are great. They are big headlines. But every, and I mean EVERY, newspaper/news website/blog has something to say about those stories. I am providing you with a new headline/story/teaser that I guarantee no one else has.

And on top of discovering this story, I’m giving this one away. I want a professional to do some further research, add a little finesse, and then publish this story for all to read. If some national or local writer wants to take this and run with it, I’m giving him or her full reign. Write away. John Clayton, Peter King, Bill Simmons, Peter Hockaday, heck, even John Canzano, I allow you a crack at this headline.

Are you ready? Here is it:

Lovie Smith, the first (and only) African-American coach to lose the Superbowl.

I Feel Like A PC, Not a Mac.

I'm not sure if it's a virus, or the flu, or some sickness with flu-like symtoms, but something kicked my ass this weekend. From 5pm Friday to 9am Monday, I rarely left my couch. Multiple times to the bathroom. Once to the store. I was congested, sniffly, coughy, rumbly, and weak for more than two days.

My buddy Mike suggested that I might be sick from karma. He mentioned that less than a week ago I renounced the "bless you." Yeah, it might be karma and not a cold or flu. At this point, I'm not ruling anything out.

I'm headed on the right track to healthiness, though. Today I feel only half as bad as I did on Saturday and Sunday. I went into work for about an hour before I was told to go home. To be honest, I didn't want to be there, but I had some things that needed to be sent out quickly. It was much easier for me to just do them than to tell someone else how to do them.

Right now, I'm just pumping my body full of as much medicine and good things it can take: Tussin (not Robitussin. What, you think I'm made of money?), Vitamin C, Electrolytes, Sudafed, Ibuprofen, Halls with Menthol, McAffe, and Norton. Hopefully I'm on my way to feeling like a Mac again.

Relax. You're at Great Clips.

I just watched a commercial for the haircutting place, Great Clips. And it scared me. Not in a “scared for my life” kind of way, but in a “oh shit, they are going to screw up my hair” kind of way. I truly believe that if I go to Great Clips, I would leave with a worse haircut than when I entered. I would bet money that the people in the Great Clips commercial don’t get their hair cut there.

It’s no secret that I get my hair cut at SuperCuts. I’ve been going for years. Yes, it’s a low-budget chain, but they have some positive qualities. First, they are all educated at a SuperCuts school. So, their terminology is universal (like “a number two on the sides, blended, finger tight…”). Second, I can call ahead and not wait in a line. And third, I don’t like to put my name in the hat and get a random cutter. I try to request someone who I like and trust. Right now it’s Megan, aka “Snips,” at the Hollywood SuperCuts in NE Portland.

But I’ve always been hesitant of Great Clips and Precision Cuts. I had one bad experience at Great Clips (just bad in general, not worth mentioning). And my old roommate, Drew, had a bad one at Precision Cuts. His story goes something like the lady was mean, gave him lip, and half-asses his hair. But then when he went to pay, and she saw some twenties in his money clip, she started chatting it up like they were old friends. Nice, way to work for that tip.

I guess the reason I write this post is that these chains market themselves as shitty places. I’ve never seen a commercial or print ad talking about quality or service. It’s always about low prices and half-off coupons. And I guess that’s not wrong. It’s what they are, cheap national haircut chains. But that still doesn’t make me feel good or confident in going to their stores. I feel skeptical and unsure. A haircut is a service that I buy that directly affects my appearance and self-confidence for the next month. If it wasn’t for Megan aka “Snips” or the good SuperCutters in my past (January and Rick, what what), SuperCuts would not get my business.

And does anyone else find it funny that the shittiest, most low-budget national haircut chains have such lofty names, which do nothing to describe their product or service. Super Cuts. Great Clips. Precision Cuts. No offence, but super, great, and precise are probably not the adjectives that come to my mind. It’s more like, cheap, convenient, and adequate.

Lastly, I’m glad that Great Clips understand the hesitancy and nervousness I would experience while getting my hair cut at their stores. Because their tag line for their commercial promoting their $6.99 special is “Relax. You’re at Great Clips.” That’s the equivalent of “What’d you expect? Alberson’s soda.” And “Hope you’re not allergic to dog. Taco Bell.” Seriously, relax, take a deep breath, and we’ll try to not mess up your head. And if we do, you can’t blame us, because it cost you less than seven bucks. Great Clips.

Snow-Ho-Ho

Wow, it’s been a while. I appologize. I’ve been so busy with work and sleeping that I haven’t found time to write. But I'm back with a January update. So, let’s do six quick hits, then I’m out. You ready?

1. Homeless guys and urban raccoons. These are the things in my neighborhood that scare me at night. Let’s just say I’ve recently had small run-ins with both of these things after midnight on the way from my car to my apartment. I am not injured, but I am a little traumatized.

2. I’m sick of all the sniffling and sneezing at work. It always happens every winter. And all of the people saying “bless you” every five minutes is even worse. I have officially renounced blessing people. No more blessings from me, especially in a public setting. If you and I are alone, I might let a “bless you” slip accidentally, but I’m really trying to quit.

3. I am really excited about 2007. Not because there’s anything special happening this year. Just that I like the way I write my sevens. I totally have a kick-ass seven in my handwriting arsenal. You know the kind, right? The seven with the horizontal line through it. Kind of like a seven with arms. It might be my favorite numeral. Either seven or five.

4. Has anyone even seen a glass break while clinking during a “cheers.” I think that it would be cool to see. Would it be because the person aggressively clinks too hard? Or maybe because of a weak or cracked glass? And are there negative effects? Like dealing with shards of glass all over the table, possibly in people’s food. And what do you do about the karma? Breaking a glass during a cheers or a toast seems like bad luck to me. (These are things I think about…)

5. I think I want to invent a stroller with a gun rack attached to it. Not that I’m in to hunting or that I have any children. But I totally see the potential market for this product. I can easily imagine the type of mother who A) wants to accompany her husband on hunting trips and B) doesn’t want to pay for a babysitter. (Again, things that I think about…)

6. It snowed today here in Portland. Boo-yeah. About f-ing time. But I still had to walk to work. Dang.